Made Him Sul-furious

(You know how in every teacher-assigned group project in school there’s always that one group where one person does ALL the work while the others goof off? I was ALWAYS in that group. This time it happened in chemistry, where we were supposed to be doing a 10-page research paper on Marie Curie. While I was doing research my group-mates – a guy and a girl – were busy shopping on a website for free condoms ON THE SCHOOL’S COMPUTERS.)

Me: “Guys, how about you do that at home and help me do the actual work here?”

Guy: “Nah, you’re fine.”

Girl: “Yeah, you got this. You do your thing we’ll do ours.”

Me: “You guys do know what the term ‘group project’ means, right? Do some actual work for a change.”

Guy: “Yeah, yeah, we’ll get to it.”

(I roll my eyes and continue working while they talk about different flavored condoms. After class I go to our teacher and tell her the problem I’m having. She tells me she noticed there seemed to be issues in the group but she wanted to give me a chance to handle it on my own before she stepped in. She then tells me to keep doing what I’m doing and that she’ll grade me separately from my group-mates. On the due date I turn in the full paper with only my name on it. A few days later our teacher passes the papers back and hands me mine.)

Guy: “So what did we get?”

Me: “Well, I got an A+.”

Guy & Girl: “All right!” *high-fiving*

Me: *smiling* “No, no, no. I got an A+.”

Girl: “What do you mean? It was a group project!”

Teacher: *coming over* “Yes, and [My Name] was the only one in the group who did any work. Therefore she got the grade she earned while you two get the grade you earned: you did no work, you didn’t turn in a paper, so you both get zeros.”

Guy: *shocked and furious* “WHAT?! You can’t do that!”

Teacher: “I just did.” *walks away*

(That day we’re doing an experiment using sulfuric acid. Still furious with me for getting them in trouble, the guy in my group pours the ENTIRE beaker of sulfuric acid on my bare hand as I’m reaching across the table. Luckily it was heavily-diluted high school grade acid and my hand was over the sink so I immediately stuck it under the faucet and turned the cold water tap on full, glaring at the guy without blinking.)

Me: *coldly* “Thank you; now I have you on assault.”

Guy: *getting uncomfortable because not only did the acid not burn me but I’m still not blinking as I stare at him* “You don’t have s***.”

Teacher: “Actually, she has you on either aggravated assault or assault with a deadly weapon with 27 witnesses. [My Name], do you want me to call the police?”

(I didn’t have her call the police, nor do I really think she would’ve; she just wanted to scare him, as did I. He and the girl never bothered me again and always did their fair share of the group work after that.)