M-ad Women

(My store has ads in magazines that run monthly. Typically, they bring us quite a bit of business. I get a phone call about it.)

Customer: “I want you to stop sending these magazines!”

Me: “Ma’am, this company does not send out independent ads. Are you referring to a magazine?”

Customer: “Yes and you need to stop sending it!”

Me: “Ma’am, we have no control over who is on the list for the magazines. If you wish to cancel your subscriptions to one of the magazines we advertise in, you will have to contact the magazine company itself.”

Customer: “I contacted YOU! I am so sick of getting these every month!”

Me: “Ma’am, we are just a company featured in the magazine. We have no control over your subscription.”

Customer: “Are you stupid? Just stop sending me the magazine!”

Me: “Ma’am, who do you think you have called?”

Customer: “[Name Of My Store].”

Me: “Yes, that is us. What is the name of the magazine?”

Customer: “[Name Of Magazine].”

Me: “So, we are the company that has an ad. We are not the same company that makes the magazine, as you can see from the very different names. I am unsure as to why you have contacted us. On the back page of the magazine, there will be a number of the correct company to contact for this.”

Customer: “Oh my God! Just stop sending them!”

Me: “Ma’am, once again, this is not the magazine company nor do we have any control over what they do. You have to call them. Not us. You can call every ad in that book, but no one will be able to help you unless you call the magazine company itself.”

Customer: “You are useless! Tell your boss to stop sending them!” *click*

(One month later I get a phone call:)

Customer: “WHY ARE YOU STILL SENDING ME MAGAZINES? I CANCELLED!”

Me: “Ma’am, as I told you then and I am going to tell you now, this is my store, not the magazine.”

Customer: “Cancel the d*** magazine!”

Me: “We are still not the magazine company!”

Customer: “You useless idiot! What do I have to do in order to get you to do your job? Stop. Sending. The. Magazine. To. Me.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, I have tried my best to be polite and nice to you. I cannot dumb this down any further. We are a retail store. We run an ad in that magazine. For some reason, you have it in your head that a random ad in a magazine is the right number to call to end the magazine subscription. It is not. It is simply not. The only way to cancel the subscription is to call the people who actually make the magazine, instead of harassing ads that have no control or contact with the magazine except to send in new ads once a month. Now, open the magazine, find the number listed for the magazine and please stop calling here and harassing me. There is not a single logical reason that calling us would end a magazine subscription.”

Customer: “How dare you!”

Me: “Call the magazine. Not us.” *hangs up*

(Five minutes later:)

Customer: “I want to talk to your boss!”

Me: “I am the boss. Call the magazine company. Now please, leave us alone and figure out how ads and magazines work. I checked the magazine myself and our ad is on page six. There is no reason that a magazine company would put their number in the middle of their magazine. Their number is on the back. Call that number.”

Customer: “I should sue you! End my subscription or I WILL sue.”

Me: “Ma’am, you cannot sue because you are harassing someone else. You also cannot sue someone who has told you who to get the service you want for a month straight. We sell home supplies, as you can tell by our ad and by the name of our store. I will ask once more: call the company you actually want and leave us alone.”

Customer: “Will you end my subscription if I stop calling?”

Me: *facepalm*

(I learned her number and posted next to every phone that no one is allowed to answer it. She called for two more months and finally the calls stopped. I think she finally got it.)