Lumping To Conclusions

CONTENT WARNING: Mention of cancer

Regular: “I was here as usual last Friday, and my favorite checkout lady wasn’t here!”

Me: “Oh, yes. Sorry, I had a doctor’s appointment.”

Regular: “Nothing too bad, I hope.”

Me: *Happy to be open about such things.* “I found a lump. I was getting it tested for breast cancer.”

Regular: “Were you vaccinated as a kid?”

Me: “Uh… yeah?”

Regular: “Well then, that’s why you got cancer!”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Regular: “Because you got vaccinated as a kid, you’re getting cancer now! That’s why it’s so common these days!”

Me: “I guess you’re right.”

Regular: *Smiling.* “Of course I’m right!”

Me: “I mean, if I hadn’t been vaccinated as a kid, I would have died young, and never would have lived to be in my fifties and be old enough to be at risk of breast cancer.”

Regular: “What? No, that’s not what I—”

Me: “—anyway, I have other customers! Your total is [total]. Have a day, [Regular]!”

She wasn’t my regular after that. Also, my lump was just a lipoma! Do your self-exams, people!