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Love’s Labours Lost

, , , , | Romantic | March 31, 2014

(I’ve been chatting up a girl I met through an online dating service. We have a good deal in common, and have hit it off almost immediately. She has recently told me how she used to secretly name the chickens on the farm where she grew up, and we’ve since moved on to other subjects, thoroughly enjoying the banter. For the record, I’m very active in the local theatre, and admittedly have exceedingly high standards when it comes to dating.)

Woman I Like: “I’ve never been able to go to Red Lobster since I was a kid. I always feel so bad for the lobsters in the tank.”

Me: “You don’t have to order them, you know.”

Woman I Like: “I know, but they’re still going to be ordered at some point.”

Me: “But they’re delicious, so it’s not like their sacrifice is in vain.”

Woman I Like: *jokingly* “You’re heartless. You know that, right?”

Me: “I had an inkling.”

Woman I Like: “Seriously, though. When I was a kid, I kept asking my dad to buy them so I could set them free.”

Me: “Where would you have put them?”

Woman I Like: “The pond behind my house.”

Me: “You know lobsters are salt-water creatures, right?”

Woman I Like: “I was eight. I had no concept of salinity.”

Me: “Did you name them too?”

Woman I Like: “Maybe…”

Me: “What did you name them?”

Woman I Like: “…Ted.”

Me: “You named all the lobsters Ted?”

Woman I Like: “Well, a few of them.”

Me: “And then they were eaten.”

Woman I Like: *laughing* “Yes! It’s horrible! I feel so bad for Ted!”

Me: “Don’t worry, I’m sure he was properly eulogised. ‘Alas, poor Ted! I knew him, [Woman I Like], a lobster of infinite zest. He had borne me in his claws a thousand times.” Okay, I’m done.

Woman I Like: *confused* “Okay… Done with what?”

Me: “Parodying Hamlet.”

Woman I Like: “Parodying what?”

Me:Hamlet, the Shakespeare play. The bit where he’s holding the skull…”

Woman I Like: “Oh, sorry. I really have no idea what you’re talking about.”

(We saw each other a couple of times after that, but it was really over at that point. The theatre geek in me just couldn’t let me get past it.)

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