Loco Nuts

(A customer sits down at the bar and proceeds to wave her arms at me as if I cannot see her.)

Customer: “Um, hi! Bartenderrrr! Hi! I need to order a drink!”

Me: “Okay. Let me finish taking this order and I’ll be right with you.”

Customer: “Okayyy, but I’m really thirstyyy!”

(The customer and her friends giggle as if it’s the first time I’ve heard anyone say this. I finish with the order and walk over to her.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am. What can I get for you?”

Customer: “I really, really, really want something fun and fruity. How about a Malibu and pineapple? Ooooh, and do you have cherry juice? I love cherry juice!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. We have grenadine. Give me one moment and I’ll get that for you.”

(I go to make her drink. It’s one and a quarter ounce of Malibu, which is a coconut rum, three ounces of pineapple juice, and a splash of grenadine. I hand her the drink. She squeals when she sees that I’ve poked the straw through a cherry.)

Customer: “That’s just adorrrable!”

(I walk over to aid another customer, but the original customer calls me back.)

Customer: “Oh, my god! UGH! Bartender! BarrrrrTENDER!”

Me: “Yes? Is something wrong?”

Customer: “Oh my GODDDD! I cannot drink this. You put coconut in this! I hate coconut! I didn’t ask for coconut!”

Me: “Wait. I thought you said Malibu?”

Customer: “I DID. But you put something with coconut in it. Do you even know what you’re doing?”

(I try to explain that Malibu is a coconut rum, but the customer isn’t listening.)

Customer: “I want a new drink… Now! Remake this without the coconut!”

Me: “If you want, I can make that drink with white rum instead of coconut rum.”

Customer: “Yes! Just a Malibu and Pineapple with the cherry juice. But no coconut! I hate coconut! Just Malibu, pineapple juice, and cherries! NO COCONUT!”

(I ignore the fact that she’s talking to me as if I’m five. I make the drink with white rum and hand it to her.)

Customer: “Oh, my God. This is so much better. You should have just made it like this the first time. I don’t blame you, though. Don’t worry, honey. I can tell you’re new with drinks.”

(The customer drinks a few, and pays her bill.)

Customer: “You really should be careful. People could be allergic to things, you know. Imagine if I had a coconut allergy! Oh, you just need to pay ATTENTION. You could save somebody’s life!”

(I smiled through gritted teeth and watched her walk out the door. When she finally left, the remaining bar guests gave me a round of applause. I bowed.)