The Lizard Part Of Your Brain Says “No”

(I work in an electrical shop in northern England. I’m helping a pair of ladies get some things together to buy on finance. One is middle-aged; the other is in her mid-twenties. They’re both pleasant, polite people. The older customer asks if I’m local. I get asked this because my accent is not very strong.)

Me: “Yes, I’m from [Area I’m From]. I know I don’t sound local.”

Older Customer: “You went to a private school?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Which one?”

Me: “[School].”

Customer: “Oh, I know that one! I’m a teacher. A friend of mine sent his son there. He’s an Arab. His name is Ahmed.”

Me: “I can’t say I know him. It was a big school; I was there a long time ago.”

Customer: “So, is this just a temporary job for you?”

Me: “No, I’m permanent, but I’m not planning to stay forever.”

Customer: “What would you like to do?”

Me: “I’d like to be a writer.”

Customer: “Oh, lovely! Hey, what do you think about attacking Syria?”

(The UK Parliament has just voted to start bombing Syria. This seems like an odd turn in the conversation, but she’s a nice lady, if a bit odd, so I humour her. We talk for a few minutes about what’s happening in the Middle East, but I try to bring the talk back to work, when she says:)

Customer: “You know what? You should read David Icke! He predicted the war was going to happen thirty years ago.”

(The younger customer shuffles in her seat a little.)

Me: *confused* “Um, isn’t he the guy who says the world is being secretly controlled by lizards?”

Customer: “Oh, no, they’re Reptilians. From outer space. Isn’t that right?”

Younger Customer: “Reptilians.”

Me: *thinking that this is getting weird* “Um… Okay. I don’t really follow conspiracy theories.”

Customer: “It’s not a theory. I try to tell this to the kids when I’m teaching them. I’m trying to open their minds and make them think, instead of just believing what they’re told. But then the parents complain.”

Me: *trying very hard not to just say, “No s***!”* “Your total comes to—”

Customer: “Hey, add me on Facebook; I’ll tell you all about it. My name is [Customer].”

Me: “I’m going to go get someone who can put the finance application through.”

(I got up and asked one of the trainee members of staff to finish the application. It was good training for them, but I’m a bit worried my colleague ended up getting her thetans counted or something.)