Lipstuck On That Punchline

(I have gone to my local pharmacy to see if they have a cream suitable to put on a small insect bite on my 8-month-old’s face. They do not. I have also picked up some formula, and a lipstick for myself. The assistant has already been very confrontational with me, telling me off for not taking the baby to see a doctor about the bite. I am feeling very uncomfortable as she puts the rest of my items through the till, so I try and lighten the mood.)

Me: *to baby, in a joking voice* “Don’t worry, little man, a bit of concealer and you’ll be ready to impress the ladies in no time!”

Assistant: “What?! You can’t do that!”

Me: “Of course I won’t. I was joking.”

Assistant: “Do you have any idea how dangerous that could be? You have no idea what’s in those sort of products! Besides, babies are already beautiful!”

Me: “Yes, I’m sorry; I should not have made a joke about it.”

(She pulls the lipstick I have bought out of the basket.)

Assistant: “See! I knew you weren’t joking! You can’t put this on your child’s face!”

Me: “That’s for me. That’s bright red lipstick!”

Assistant: “Lipstick! That’s even worse! Why would you put lipstick on a baby?!”

Me: “I’m not going to put lipstick on my baby!”

Assistant: “I’m not going to sell this to you. Go home and take your baby to the doctor as you are supposed to.”

(I hurried out, feeling pretty tearful. I dutifully went to the doctor, who quite frankly was perplexed why I was there for such a minor problem! My son’s face cleared up within a day, and at no point did he wear the lipstick — it just wasn’t his colour!)