Like His Pond, His Argument Is Shallow

(I work tech support for a manufacturer of pond equipment. My job is supposed to be explaining tech, and helping fix faults for our customers.)

Customer: “Yeah… so, I have one of your outdoor pond pumps, but it doesn’t work.”

Me: “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “Well, actually I just don’t have the instructions for it, so I don’t know how to make it work. I know it’s self-cleaning, but I don’t know how to make it work.”

(This is strange, as all products come with instructions. Also, though we do have self-cleaning pumps, they cost thousands of pounds. As a result, they are rarely used by the general public.)

Me: “What model is it? Maybe I can email you our electronic copy.”

Customer: “Thanks, man. It’s [four-year-old model number].”

Me: “Okay, I’m sending you a copy of those instructions now. However, I should warn you that it’s not self-cleaning. It is, however, easy clean.”

Customer: “What?! I only bought it because it was self-cleaning!”

Me: “Well, easy clean is better than nothing, and it is a good pump. What did you have before?”

Customer: “I had [five-year-old pump].”

Me: “That’s still a good upgrade; let me know when you have the instructions.”

(There is a pause as the customer checks his email.)

Customer: “You screwed up man; this picture is all wrong!”

Me: “Those are the instructions for [four-year-old model]. If it doesn’t look like that; you must have a different pump.”

Customer: “No, man! The guy I bought it from said it was [four-year-old pump].”

Me: “Who did you buy it from?”

Customer: “Some guy online!”

Me: “Do you think that maybe he lied?”

(A lot of cursing ensues. Eventually, he starts describing the product. I quickly recognize it as a very old product of ours.)

Me: “I think I know what you have, sir. It’s actually a [10-year-old product]. Let me just send you the instructions.”

Customer: “That’s it, man! Is that one self-cleaning too?”

Me: “Sir, that one’s not even easy clean. You’ve just significantly downgraded your system.”

Customer: “S*** man! This is bull-s***! What the h*** am I supposed to do with this s***?!”

Me: “If I were you, sir, I’d look into getting your money back from the seller you purchased your pump from. I’d also reinstall your old pump into your pond.”

Customer: “F*** that s***! Give me my f****** money back! It’s your pump! You f****** fix it!”

Me: “Sir, I work technical support for the manufacturer of that pump. We haven’t made them in years, and we haven’t sold them in years. You did not buy it from us, nor do you have any kind of guarantee with us. If you had come to a store for your needs, rather than under-cutting us all by going online for the cheapest deal, we could have told you exactly what you were buying. Instead, you bought an unknown product from an unknown source, with no protection or research. That is entirely on you, buddy. It is not my fault.”

(There is a long pause before the line goes dead.)