Like Giving Candy To An Army

(My mother-in-law texts me for my husband’s APO. Before I give it to her, I double-check with my husband via Skype chat, asking if he wants her to have it.)

Husband: “Yeah, it’s okay. Just tell her not to send me candy because I’m trying to eat less sweets, just like before I deployed. Beef jerky and non-sugary mints are good, as well as useful stuff like razors, soap, deodorant, and toothpaste. And tell her not to send anything she’d want me to bring back home, because I don’t want to have to try to pack extra bulls*** when it’s time to head back.”

(I relay this to her as, “[Husband] says to not send candy or useless junk, but please send jerky, razors, soap, deodorant, and/or toothpaste.” A few days later, she texts me, asking if there’s anything specific he has said he needed.)

Me: “He asked me to pick up a few things for him, but I’ve already bought them and will be shipping them out later this week.”

Mother-In-Law: “Okay, well, I’m going to send him a big bag of those Red Hots candies.”

Me: “I told you that [Husband] asked that you not send him any candy, though. If you want to send him something cinnamon, send him cinnamon-flavored mints, the kind that don’t melt. I’ve got a small container of them for him in the stuff I’m sending.”

Mother-In-Law: “Well, he didn’t tell me not to send candy, so I’m sending them, anyway.”

(Later that evening, my husband video calls me over Skype and asks if I’d picked up the things he’d asked for.)

Me: “Yeah, I did and will send them soon.” *pause* “By the way, your mom says she’s sending you a big bag of Red Hots in her care package.”

Husband: *sighs* “I thought you told her not to send me candy. I know I asked you to tell her.”

Me: *rolls eyes* “Yeah, I did tell her, but she said that you didn’t tell her, so she was sending it, anyway.”

Husband: *rolls eyes and shrugs* “I’m sure [Soldier] would like to have a giant bag of those.”

(I feel sorry for my husband, because she’s probably going to send him lots of useless junk alongside the candy. But on the bright side: if she sends him crap that he doesn’t want or need, there are plenty of other soldiers who will appreciate it.)