It’s Like They Assessed It From The Nosebleed Seats

(I get a phone call from my daughter’s school.)

Caller: “Mr. [My Name], we believe your daughter may have been in a fight at school. However, she is refusing to say anything. Would you mind coming along to get this sorted?”

Me: “My wife works closer to school; I’ll call her. Why do you think our daughter was in a fight?”

Caller: “She came into her English lesson with a nosebleed.”

Me: “She gets those from time to time.”

Caller: “We believe she was in a fight.”

Me: “Was there anything else to suggest she was?”

Caller: “She came into her lesson with a nosebleed.”

Me: “Yes, I know that. What else?”

Caller: “That’s it.”

Me: “And you say she said nothing?”

Caller: “That she had a nosebleed.”

Me: “So, my daughter came into her lesson, with a nosebleed, said it was a nosebleed, and there was nothing else to suggest she was in a fight.”

Caller: “She had a nosebleed.”

Me: “I’m curious; can you check my daughter’s record, as we requested that her frequent nosebleeds be noted down?”

Caller: “Yes, it’s here. I had to pull up her record to get your phone number.”

Me: “And you still think she was in a fight?”

Caller: “Yes.”

(I give in and call my wife. When I get home that evening, she’s having an argument on the phone.)

Wife: “I don’t care. I don’t want someone like that at my daughter’s school! A cabbage would be smarter than her!”

Daughter: *whispering to me* “We all call her ‘cabbage’ after she photocopied an entire book without collating it.”

(After she hung up, my wife refused to tell me what happened at school, saying she’d already lost enough brain cells, and sadly my daughter wasn’t in the room at that point, so I may never find out.)