A Life-Guarded Sense Of Self
(I am a seasonal surf lifesaver at a beach popular with tourists. I have just pulled a child, who was screaming and flailing about, out of deep water, and brought him on to the sand.)
Mother: “Oh, my goodness! How did that happen?”
Me: “You okay, buddy?”
Kid: “Yeah.”
Me: “What were you doing out that far?”
Kid: “I kind of just doggy paddled, then when I put my feet down there was no, like, bottom.”
Me: “Ah. Did you swallow any water?”
Kid: “Nah.”
Mother: “How did this happen?”
Me: “Maybe when he’s ready to go back in, it would be best to have an adult in with him.”
Mother: “You saying this is my fault?”
Me: “No, I’m saying that he may not be a strong enough swimmer to be swimming alone in the ocean just yet.”
Mother: “He swims in the lake at home all the time!”
Me: “A lake and an ocean are very different.”
Mother: “All I’m saying is, this wouldn’t happen back home. Kids just don’t drown in America.”
Me: “Just make sure someone is with him if he goes back in the water, okay?”
Mother: “Oh, so, you’re the beach police, now?”
Me: “Yeah, actually, I am.”
Mother: “Smarta**.”
