Lettuce Not

(I am the cashier at a supermarket. Someone unusual has decided to shop here today.)

Me: “Hello, ma’am, how are you today?”

Customer: “LETTUCE!”

Me “Uhh… lettuce?”

Customer: “GRAPES!”

Me: “Do you want lettuce and grapes?”

Customer: “HONEY ALL OVER MY BODY!”

Me: “Um… ma’am, the honey is over on aisle seven—”

Customer: *leaning over the counter* “I don’t want that honey. Just you, baaaby!”

Me: “Ma’am, are you drunk?”

Customer: “No, just drunk on my love for you. Come, rub that lettuce all over my p****!”

Me: “Ma’am, please leave me alone.”

Customer: “Kiss me!”

(She leans over and tries to kiss my neck. I call security and they drag her away.)

Customer: “Only yooouuu…”

(It turned out that the woman was very intoxicated.)