The Highs and Lows Of Parenting

, , , , , | Legal Right | September 1, 2009

Me: “9-1-1. Police, fire, or ambulance?”

Caller: “Police.”

Me: “What’s your emergency?”

Caller: “Is it illegal for a 14-year-old to be drinking Jack Daniels?”

Me: “Yes, it is.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. And, one more question. Is it illegal for a 14-year-old to be smoking marijuana?”

Me: “Yes, it is, ma’am.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. My son told me it wasn’t. I’d like you to arrest my son, please. He’s been doing this for a couple of years now!”

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Guilty, Yet Guiltless

, , | Legal Right | July 1, 2009

Me: “Hi, is [Customer] there?”

Customer: “This is him.”

Me: “Hi, [Customer]. I’m calling about your order.”

Customer: “Oh, great! What do you need?”

Me: “Well, sir, you, unfortunately, forgot to sign both your money orders.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “We can’t cash them if they’re not signed. They’re like checks that way.”

Customer: “So? When that happens, you should just sign it for us. You must write checks to yourselves for customers all the time.”

Me: “No, sir, that’s called fraud.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “So… that’s illegal.”

Customer: “So?”

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There Are No Crimes, Only Unbelievably Well-Timed Accidents

, , , | Legal Right | May 30, 2009

Me: “[Law Office]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, I need an attorney for my grandson. He was arrested for stealing a car.”

Me: “Okay, can you give me details?”

Caller: “Yes, he was at the bar and after he decided to leave, he got in the wrong car and left with it. He didn’t mean to do it. He was just confused.”

Me: “What kind of car did he steal?”

Caller: “A charcoal-grey Jeep Liberty…”

Me: “Okay, and what type of car does he have?”

Caller: “Oh, he doesn’t own a car…”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t think I can help you.”

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Advice Is Cheap, Especially From Opposing Counsel

, , , | Legal Right | April 29, 2009

Me: “This is [Law Firm]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I’m calling about the court date tomorrow. Do I have to appear there?”

Me: “Well… I see from the file that you are the defendant, while we represent the plaintiff. Did I get that right?”

Caller: “Yes. Do I have to appear there?”

Me: “You do realize that you are talking to your opponent’s lawyer?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Well, okay. You don’t really have to appear. If you don’t appear in court, you’ll lose the case, though, because you’re not represented by anybody else.”

Caller: “So, I don’t have to appear there?”

Me: “No, not in the strict sense of the word ‘have to.’ But you do realize that you are calling the opposite lawyer, don’t you?”

Caller: “Yes, I do.”

Me: “Very well. I take you won’t come, then?”

Caller: “No, I won’t.”

Me: “Okay, very well. Thanks for the call.”

Caller: “Goodbye, and thanks for the advice!”

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Your Urgency Is Not My Emergency

, , , | Legal | June 1, 2008

Me: “9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”

Caller: “My phone’s been shut off and the only number I can call is 9-1-1.”

Me: “Are you calling about your phone being shut off or do you have an emergency?”

Caller: “My phone. I paid my bill. It should be working.”

Me: “You’ll have to take that up with the phone company.”

Caller: “Well, can you tell them to turn it back on? I paid my bill.”

Me: “No, you’ll need to contact them. This is the police department and this is an emergency line. I’m going to have to disconnect the call. You need to contact the phone company to get your phone turned back on.”

Caller: “But my phone’s not working! I need it fixed now!”

Me: “I’m sorry. This is the police department. We can’t fix your phone. You’ll need to hang up and contact your phone company. We can’t do anything about your phone.”

Caller: “Well, that’s not right! I need help. My phone isn’t working and what if I need it? What if I have an emergency?”

Me: “You just dialed 9-1-1.”

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