Monthly Roundup: June 2018

, | Friendly Healthy Hopeless Learning Legal Related Right Romantic Working | July 2, 2018

It’s time for the June roundup! Our editors have decided among themselves which stories in June deserve the extra attention, regardless of the number of thumbs-ups they received. Out of the 807 stories we posted in the month, we’ve singled out fourteen.

If there are any stories from the last month you feel we should have included, please let us know in the comments!

Don’t forget to vote for your favorite stories in the poll below! Note: You can choose up to three. The winner of the previous roundup poll was Sued To Satisfaction, from the Right category!

 

Has The Authority To Tell You How It Is – I have less than zero authority to give you a discount, which is also the number of f***’s I give.

Dusting Off The Scum – Don’t do the crime if you can’t turn off the cameras.

Their Biggest Handicap Is Themself – Don’t piss off a mama bear!

What The Check Are You Playing At –  Checks will bounce, like customers will off of windows.

Not The Kind Of “Fall Into My Arms” Story We’re Used To – Old people come fully armed and ready to serve.

No Red Alerts For This Red Light – Cops are humans too.

It’s Not The Postman Going Postal Today – What happens when you take their “rules” and throw it right back at them.

They’re All Tuned In To Each Other – This is going to get you all rent out of shape.

They Went Back To The Future – Growing old together doesn’t mean growing up!

If You Treat The Cows Like Crap… – The second half of this title needs no explanation.

Sometimes You Just Have To Bear With Them – They were bear-ly aware.

These Finals Are A Piece Of Cake – This dorm is not the norm… sadly.

The Worst Of Times Brings Out The Best In People – Where were YOU when 9/11 happened?

Don’t Know Their Own Monkey-Business – Know your monkeys, or the little monkeys will teach you.

 

Please choose your favorite story of the month!

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When The Yelper Got Yelped

, , | Legal | July 1, 2018

(A new potential client texts:)

Potential Client: “I want to get my dog groomed this Saturday.”

Groomer: “Thank you for your interest; currently we are booked until [date out three weeks]. Can I get more information on your dog?”

Potential Client: “If you don’t get me in this Saturday I’m going to post on every review site every day!”

Groomer: “Sorry, we don’t groom for terrorists and any libel will be dealt with by my lawyer.”

(The groomer then screen-shot the texts and shared with local and national groomer groups online to blacklist him.)

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Innocent Until Proven Innocent

, , , , , | Legal | June 30, 2018

(The store I work for hires non-violent ex-cons. One of my coworkers was a thief who stole electronics. Recently, some electronics have gone missing. When reports started two weeks ago, he had been here for a few months already. Many have a feeling it’s him but don’t want to falsely accuse just based on past behavior. Our managers have said to keep an eye out and that valuables can be kept in a locked office; an internal investigation is under way and they’ll get the police involved when required. One coworker, however, goes straight up to the ex-thief.)

Coworker: “Hey! I know it’s you. There’s no way it can be anyone else. Hand that mp3 player over. You have no right to get into my bag!” *pushes*

Ex-Thief: “I swear, it’s really not me! Let them investigate.”

Coworker: “No one needs to. You’re a d*** thief and we all know that!”

Manager: “Hey! Calm down. We said we’d investigate. If he’s the thief then he’s going back to jail, but if not, a false accusation is hurtful.”

Coworker: “This is ridiculous. It. Is. Him. I’m calling the police right now.”

Ex-Thief: “You know what? Why not just call the police and get this over with?”

Me: “I think we all know he’s the likely suspect, but he’s innocent until proven guilty.”

Ex-Thief: “[Manager], how about I take a few days off work, perhaps?”

Manager: “I think that would be fine.”

Coworker: “No! He’s going to just leave and we’ll never see him or our missing stuff again!”

(In the end, the managers did an immediate search of the employee room. They found a missing cell phone wrapped in an eyeglass cloth… with the company name which someone remembered that the angry coworker had glasses from. Yes, HE turned out to be the actual thief, and it was proven by security camera later. His “missing” mp3 player turned out to be in his own bag. Police agreed.)

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Their Biggest Crime Is Their Stupidity

, , , , | Legal | June 29, 2018

(We’ve taken on quite a bit of seasonal backroom help for the holidays. I’m the store manager, and security calls me one day to let me know they’ve caught one of the temporary employees removing a huge amount of merchandise through the back and loading it into their personal vehicle. They’ve taken the employee to the security room and have called the police, who should be arriving shortly. I arrive to find the employee completely at ease, laughing, as though they aren’t in trouble.)

Employee: “Hey, boss! Can you believe this fuss?”

Me: “I have your termination papers here. We prefer to handle this prior to police.”

Employee: “Whoa, termination? What?”

Me: “You stole from the store; you’re being fired.”

Employee: “Whoa, hey…”

(I ignore the employee, turning to the police officers who have arrived and getting the lengthy list of items the employee stole that security has typed up. The officer’s eyebrows shoot up.)

Officer: “Okay, this is definitely a felony charge here.”

Employee: *eavesdropping* “Whoa, wait, what? Felony. This is impossible.”

Officer: “We’ll need to get some more info from…”

Employee: “Hey! I can’t be fired! I can’t be arrested! It’s impossible to steal from your job.”

Me: “Uh, no.”

Employee: “No, it’s… See, I just sell it somewhere else. It’s the same as the store! I wouldn’t have taken stuff if I knew I’d be arrested and fired.”

Officer: *sighing* “Let’s read you your rights there, Einstein.”

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No So Street(sign) Smart

, , , , , , , | Legal | June 28, 2018

(My husband works for a volunteer organization that builds homes for people in need. They have a lot of problems with a neighbor who doesn’t want any of their trucks parked — legally — on the public street in front of his house. Despite the fact that he has a long driveway and a garage, he has somehow found a way to put up “No Parking” signs on his side of the street AND the opposite side of the street.)

Volunteer: “Wow, that was a long walk! I had to park all the way down the block and walk here.”

Husband: “Yeah… The neighbor across the street put up these ‘No Parking’ signs, so we are trying to work around it, even though we have to lug all of this construction equipment down the street.”

Volunteer: “Seriously?” *she inspects a sign, and makes a quick phone call* “These are not regulation signs.”

Husband: “What?”

Volunteer: “I work for the county office. The city has to put those up, and there is no record a ‘No Parking’ sign on this street.”

(She then proceeds to call the non-emergency police phone number, and by lunch an officer comes by to write him a ticket and to take the signs down.)

Neighbor: “I don’t want to look at those f****** trucks all day! You can’t make me take my signs down!”

Officer: “Sir, you can either take the signs down, or I can take them down and take you to the station.”

(Eventually, the neighbor took the signs down, glaring at the volunteers the whole time. I feel sorry for the family that will eventually have to put up with this guy!)

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