Allow Me To Deposit Some Reality Right Here

, , , , | Legal | May 21, 2018

(I work for a telephone company and one of the laws governing unpaid accounts is that after a certain length of time they become “statute barred” for approximately six years, which means that the statute of limitations has expired and we can no longer collect from the ex-customer or refuse service due to an unpaid account. There are some “customers” who know to the day how long they have to wait before once again getting service they have no intention of paying for. Often a family will cycle between companies and family members getting free service most of the time. Then the company changes their policy so that even if their account is “statute barred,” the “customer” is considered a poor risk and can get basic dial tone only — which we cannot not refuse — but absolutely no services like long distance or calling features, or they can open a “deposit” account where we get our money up front, and a full service package comes with a very hefty deposit. When I get someone who is just past the date, I sometimes slip into passive-aggressive mode.)

Customer: “Hi. I would like to set up service.”

Me: “Certainly. Have you had service with us before?”

Customer: “No, I haven’t.”

Me: “Very well. We need to set up an account for you.” *collects identification information* “Oh, it looks like we have an old account from just over six years ago for you.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. I guess I forgot.”

Me: “No problem. Well, it looks like you left owing us money, so you have a choice between a restricted account or a deposit account.”

Customer: “What is a restricted account?”

(I explain how it is dial tone and local dialing ONLY.)

Customer: “But I want features: long distance, Internet, and TV.”

Me: “Then you would require a deposit account.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Because you left your last service without paying your bill.”

Customer: “But I don’t owe you any money.”

Me: “No, you don’t.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

Customer: “So when can I get service?”

Me: “After the deposit posts to your account.”

Customer: “But I don’t owe you any money.”

Me: “No, you don’t.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

Customer: “How much is the deposit?”

(For the size of the service package and the equipment it is — no kidding — $1800. I advise the customer it is the charge for three months service in advance, plus the value of the equipment.)

Customer: “How about hooking me up, and I’ll pay the deposit in instalments?” *clearly no intent to pay*

Me: “I’m sorry, but the computer will not complete the processing of your order until the full amount of the deposit posts to the account.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “…”

Customer: *becoming more and more agitated as they can’t find the loophole to get free service* “BUT I DON’T OWE YOU ANY MONEY!”

Me: “No, you don’t.”

Customer: “WHY DO I HAVE TO PAY A DEPOSIT?”

Me: “Since you did not pay your balance when you last had service, you are now considered a high risk for non-payment and the company wants their money up front.”

Customer: “F*** YOU!” *click*

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Banking On Common Sense

, , , | Legal | May 20, 2018

(I am out taking care of some errands one afternoon when I turn down the street for my bank and see several police cars, all with lights flashing, in the bank’s parking lot. I immediately pull off into an empty parking lot and turn around going back the way I came. Just then one of the police cars comes FLYING out of the bank’s parking lot and pulls me over.)

Officer: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

Me: “Um, no, sir. I don’t.”

Officer: “Well, I noticed you headed for the bank but you turned back around.”

Me: “Yes, sir, I did.”

Officer: “Well, I just noticed that when you saw us you immediately turned around.”

Me: “This is true.”

Officer: *staring at me expectantly* “Okay…?”

Me: *confused* “Okay?”

Officer: *clearly still waiting for an explanation* “Sooo…?”

Me: *still confused about why I got pulled over* “Sooo… why am I going to go into a bank surrounded by cops?”

(He literally jumped back in surprise like that question had never crossed his mind. He let me go with a warning to “Be careful out there.” Way ahead of you, buddy.)

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Global Positioning Showers

| Legal | May 25, 2013

(I work at a drug testing facility. I am having an e-mail exchange with one of Parole Officers that refers me a lot of clients.)

Parole Officer: “Has [new client] shown up yet?”

Me: “He was supposed to come to me about a week ago, but nope, still nothing.”

Parole Officer: “Okay, he’s on his way. He’s not the brightest crayon in the box, so you might have to explain the procedures to him a few times.”

Me: “Cool, good to know.”

(Several minutes pass.)

Parole Officer: “He apparently can’t find you. He called me a few minutes ago to say he was in the shower. I am confused.”

Me: “That’s a new one.”

Parole Officer: “I know, right? Job security.”

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Driving Miss Crazy, Part 2

, , , , | Legal Right | December 21, 2009

(We’ve had to close down a road due to a car crash in a snow storm. Fire trucks and ambulances are there with lights flashing to block the road. I’m at one side of the street directing traffic.)

Driver: *slows down looking at the scene* “What happened?”

Me: “Accident, ma’am. Please keep moving.”

Driver: “Can I go down the street? It’s a shortcut.”

Me: “The road is closed, but you need to keep moving. You are going to cause another accident.”

Driver: “I didn’t cause any accident! I’m a good driver. How dare you imply that I’m not?! I’m just trying to get home. Why are you being so rude?! I will have your badge, you little b****!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you are not going to move then you need to pull to the side of the road now!”

Driver: “I pay your salary! You are supposed to help people! Don’t you want me to get home? I have a family, you know!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you do not pull to the side of the road right now or drive away I am going to arrest you.”

Driver: “Fine!”

(With that, she drives straight down the closed street and nearly hits me. Due to all the snow she loses control and crashes into one of the parked cruisers.)

Driver: “This is all your fault! Why didn’t you tell me the road was closed?!”

 

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Fast, Furious, And Fined

, , , | Legal Right | November 25, 2009

(I’m a police officer and have just pulled over a driver for speeding.)

Me: “Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?”

Driver: “Yes… I was speeding.”

Me: “Ah, so you know you were speeding.”

Driver: “Yes, but I’ve got a movie due back in eight minutes!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that’s not a real reason to be speeding–”

Driver: “Well, fine! You pay the one dollar late fee!”

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