No Red Alerts For This Red Light

, , , , , | Legal | June 4, 2018

(I pull up to a red light next to a police officer.)

Officer: “You want to race to the next light?”

Me: *surprised* “Sure!”

(I won! No, I didn’t get pulled over; we were both on bicycles. Possibly the first and only time a police officer has challenged someone to a road race.)

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You’re A Dog, You Like Socks, And Paying Off Your Student Loans

, , , , | Legal | June 3, 2018

(I am sitting at home, enjoying my day off when an out of state area code phone number calls my home phone. Upon answering, I am greeted with an automated greeting letting me know that this is “Amanda” and that my student loans are in danger of going into default even though they have been cleared for years now. Knowing it’s a scam, I pull up my music library on my cell phone and pick a song to play by the comedy metal band “Psychostick.” I press the number for a “representative” and wait for them to answer.)

Telescammer: *in obvious non-English accent* “Hello, this is [Bogus Student Loan Office]; my name is Mary. May I have your—”

Psychostick: “I’m a dog and I like socks! I like socks! I’m a dog! I’m a dog and I like socks! I like socks! I’m a dog! GIMME THAT SOCK! OM NOM NOM! GIMME THAT—”

Telescammer: *click*

(Haven’t heard from them since.)

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Let’s The Fraudsters Hit The Floor

, , , | Legal | June 2, 2018

(Years ago, I was working in my hometown’s dollar store. One night it suddenly starts pouring outside. I am very concerned about having slippery floors, so I grab the wet floor signs and set them on either side of my register where people first walk in. A couple of customers have come in, so I use the dry mop to soak up the water. It isn’t two minutes later when a customer walks in and falls while I have my back turned. I run over to him.)

Me: “Sir, are you okay?”

Man: “…”

Me: “Do you need help up? Would you like a chair to sit in?”

Man: “…no.”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

(I watch as he limps away, looking at a spot on his shin. The man later comes up to my counter with his purchases.)

Man: “Since I fell, I should have my stuff for free.”

Me: *thinking he is joking* “Haha, yeah…”

Man: *mumbles* “I’m probably going to have to talk to my lawyer.”

(Confused, I finish taking care of him and he leaves. I go to talk with my supervisor about everything. She later receives a phone call. I hear her laughing across the store after it’s finished. The supervisor brings me into the office.)

Supervisor: “You are never going to believe the phone call I just got. The man who was in here earlier was yelling about how he was pissed that you didn’t offer to pay for his items. He then said he was going to sue the store because he fell. I have looked at the camera and you can clearly see the Caution: Wet Floor signs two feet in front of him, and you just dry-mopped the floor right before he came in!”

Me: *laughing, too* “He thought because he fell I needed to pay for his items? That’s not exactly how that works.”

Boss: “Yeah, but get this: you can clearly see him standing in the door waiting for you to walk away before coming in. He was also limping on the other foot before he fell! Looks like he just wanted someone to pay for a previous injury. Good thing you were on top of everything!”

(I had to write a statement about the events of that night. Luckily it never went anywhere so there was no court case. The store manager thanked me for my diligence about the floors that night!)

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Hopefully, He Doesn’t Look As Stupid As He Sounds

| Legal | May 31, 2018

Me: “Hi, how can I help you sir?”

Customer: “Do you guys sell pallets?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t.”

Customer: “… but there’s a whole bunch behind your store just sitting there.”

Me: “Yes, but we reuse those. We don’t sell them.”

Customer: “Well, is it illegal if I steal one of them?”

Me: “Repeat what you just said to yourself.”

Customer: *thinks for a second* “Oh.”

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Minimally Criminal

| Legal | May 30, 2018

Me: “Good Afternoon, Civil Department.”

Caller: “Hi, I’d like to know what happened in my son’s case today.”

Me: “I can’t tell you any details, but I can tell you if they have finished. Can you give me the case number?”

Caller: “Oh, I don’t have one.”

Me: “Are you sure this is a civil case and not criminal?”

Caller: “Definitely Civil. Not Criminal! My son’s not a criminal!”

Me: “Okay, could I get a last name to see if I can find it that way?”

Caller: “The name is *****.”

Me: “Okay, that name isn’t showing up at all. Are you sure its not a Criminal case?”

Caller: “MY SON IS NOT A CRIMINAL! How dare you suggest it, you b****!”

Me: “Okay… can you tell me what the case was about?”

Caller: “Oh, kidnapping and assault.”

Me: *transfers to Criminal*

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