So Sorry That Our Hate Crime Means You Might Have To Type Something…

, , , | Legal | September 3, 2018

(A female friend and her girlfriend have been assaulted because they are lesbians. At our police station, a police officer takes the complaint.)

Friend’s Girlfriend: “You didn’t write the homophobic nature of assault. It’s an aggravating factor.”

Police Officer: “But as soon as we say it’s a hate crime, we have too much paperwork to do!”

Friend & Girlfriend: “…”

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Tailgate Meet Their Tail-Fate

, , , , , , , | Legal | September 2, 2018

I’m driving home from work after a closing shift one evening. It’s 11:30 pm and traffic is extremely light on my highway, with only two other cars maybe 100 yards ahead of me. For some reason, one of the cars begins to tailgate the other. There is no traffic, and they are both in the slow lane going a reasonable speed. The tailgater could easily just pass, but no. He just starts inching closer and closer to the other car until he’s practically on his bumper. I actually slow down to put some more distance between their car and mine because I think it might cause an accident, he’s so ridiculously close.

After a full minute and a half of this, the tailgater finally decides to whip around the other car. Then, a siren comes on.

It turns out, the “slow” car was actually an undercover cop, who of course immediately pulled the tailgater over. I kept driving obviously, a happy witness to instant justice.

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Not What They Mean When They Say To Hand Out Your Resumé

, , , , | Legal | September 1, 2018

Sadly, this is a story about my son. A few years ago he broke into a home, and loaded items into his backpack and left. Sadly for him, luckily for the police, when putting items in the backpack, he removed some papers to make room.

The papers?

Copies of his resumé with full name and contact information.

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Bringing A Knife To A Gun-Flight

, , , , | Legal | August 31, 2018

I work as a general screener at an airport, and mostly frisk for weapons, sharp objects, LAGs, and such.

A family of four comes through, and the old lady takes a while due to her pockets being full of stuff.

Her son comes back from the bag collection towards me, as my female colleague begins her sixteen steps, and starts screaming at us that they are “pure” [nationality] and she is an old woman, so how dare we search her, especially since I’m the foreigner here. I am actually the same as him, but mixed. He starts asking for our badge number and name; I’m about to get a flight supervisor as my colleague signals to me that she found a knife.

Turns out the old lady concealed a knife with an eight-inch blade under her armpit because her family told her she couldn’t bring it on the plane. She intended to use it to cut fruit.

The police and airline ask us our opinion if they should be let through or if there is a risk of more items. I look at him and say that the concealment of the item ought to automatically warrant a full search of their person and baggage. They don’t make their flight that day.

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America: The Land Of The Litigated

, , , , , | Legal | August 30, 2018

(My boss is either from India or a first-generation US citizen, as are the manager and two other employees. Every few months we’ll have an Indian temp who is either saving up for their new life in the States, or just looking for work experience abroad. I’m working with one of the temps when she needs something from the cabinet under the open register.)

Me: “Careful, the drawer’s open.”

Temp: “I’ll sue.”

Me: *nodding* “Good, you understand how America works.”

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