An Internet Connection Emergency!

, , , , , | Legal | June 22, 2020

This story takes place back in ye olden days of dial-up Internet.  

The place where I worked at the time had two phone systems so you had to dial a prefix to select the line. Unlike most places where it was a single digit, they decided to get more convoluted and used three-digit prefixes — 922 for an internal line and 991 for an external line. Why they picked those number combinations, I have no idea.

One day, a non-technically-inclined coworker needed to take a laptop on a trip and he needed the IT folks to set up the dialing program for him so that he could get his email. In order to test that it was working, they set the number to 991 1-800-[number]. Then, they made the mistake of not wiping the prefix before handing it to the employee.

This employee didn’t know that he would need to look up what he needed to dial to get an outside line from his hotel and change it on his laptop. He just plugged in his laptop and tried to connect. It just so happened that his hotel used nine to get an outside line, so his machine was dialing 9-911 over and over and over again trying to connect. He had no idea why it wasn’t connecting, so he was blissfully unaware of just who he was calling until hotel security showed up at his door.

Fortunately, the authorities understood that he had not done it intentionally, so there were no serious consequences for him, but the poor guy was too afraid to try to connect his laptop for the rest of the trip.

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Working Pro Bonehead

, , , | Legal | June 19, 2020

Me: “Good morning, [Attorney]’s office.”

Man: “Yes, hi, I need [Attorney] to help me with my real-estate matter—”

Me: “[Attorney] does not practice real-estate law.”

Man: *Not listening* “—in New Jersey—”

Me: “[Attorney] only practices law in Maryland.”

Man: *Still not listening* “—and I have no money now, but I’m sure I’d be able to pay them once the matter is thoroughly settled.”

Me: “[Attorney] does not now and has never worked pro bono; they require a retainer and a signed Representation Agreement upfront.”

Man: “Oh… so will they meet with me or what?”

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Wanted, Dead Or Alive, For The Crime Of Scamming

, , | Legal | June 16, 2020

Recently, scammers have been calling my grandmother’s landline using local numbers. She has caller ID, so if the scammers call using, say, John Doe’s number, it shows up as such. I live nearby and visit nearly every day to make sure she’s okay, so I’ve intercepted quite a few of these calls. 

The phone rings, showing John Doe as the caller.

Me: “Hey, Gram, are you expecting a call from John Doe?”

Grandma: “No, he’s in [Local Hospital].”

I answer the phone.

Me: “John! How’s that anal leakage?”

Caller: “Um…” *Click*

A moment later, the same number comes up, this time listed as “unknown caller.” I can’t believe they’re actually this stupid, so I answer. The caller has an accent you rarely hear in the middle of Bumble, Nowhere.

Me: “County Mortuary.”

Caller: “Uh, I— Sorry, what?”

Me: “County Mortuary.”

Caller: “I need to speak with [Badly Butchered Version Of My Grandmother’s Name].”

Me: “I’m sorry, who’s calling?”

Caller: “Um. I need to speak with—”

Me: “Do you need a body picked up?”

Caller: *Confused* “No. I—”

Me: “Are you calling for the status of an autopsy?”

Caller: *Frustrated* “No, I—”

Me: “I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name.”

Caller: “Where is [Badly Butchered Name]?”

Me: “I don’t see her name on any of the drawers. Was she supposed to be picked up? Which facility are you calling from?”

Caller: *Angry* “She lives there!”

Me: “If anybody lives here, I have a problem.”

Caller: *As he hangs up* “What the f***…”

My grandmother gave me a stern look for messing with the caller but couldn’t hold it for long.


This story has been included in our June 2020 roundup as one of that month’s most memorable stories!

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Should’ve Left That Confession In The Drafts

, , , , , | Legal | June 13, 2020

Back when they first made texting and driving illegal, a lot of people were still doing it.

My friend is rammed by another woman in a parking garage. When the police officer shows up, he thinks the woman who rammed my friend was just looking for a parking space, so he is writing a warning. 

Woman: “I’m so sorry; I shouldn’t have been texting—”

Police Officer: “What?! Texting?!”

He ripped up the warning and gave her a very expensive ticket, instead.


This story has been included in our June 2020 roundup as one of that month’s most memorable stories!

Want to read the next story? Click here!

Want to see the roundup? Click here!

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Law-Breakers Are Bigger In Texas

, , , , | Legal | June 6, 2020

I grew up in a tourist town in Colorado which got a lot of traffic from out of state. While local drivers aren’t always sane, the tourists tend to be even worse. Speed limits are broken, stop signs are ignored, double yellow lines are crossed, etc.

One day, my uncle is visiting and has picked me up from school. As we’re heading home, we see a driver from Texas obviously break a law, narrowly avoiding an accident.

Me: “Well, Texas drivers do tend to go crazy around here.”

Uncle: “[My Name], that’s not very nice. Different states have different laws; they can’t be expected to know them all.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure a red light still means ‘stop’ in Texas.”

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