Hopefully, He Doesn’t Look As Stupid As He Sounds

| Legal | May 31, 2018

Me: “Hi, how can I help you sir?”

Customer: “Do you guys sell pallets?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t.”

Customer: “… but there’s a whole bunch behind your store just sitting there.”

Me: “Yes, but we reuse those. We don’t sell them.”

Customer: “Well, is it illegal if I steal one of them?”

Me: “Repeat what you just said to yourself.”

Customer: *thinks for a second* “Oh.”

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Minimally Criminal

| Legal | May 30, 2018

Me: “Good Afternoon, Civil Department.”

Caller: “Hi, I’d like to know what happened in my son’s case today.”

Me: “I can’t tell you any details, but I can tell you if they have finished. Can you give me the case number?”

Caller: “Oh, I don’t have one.”

Me: “Are you sure this is a civil case and not criminal?”

Caller: “Definitely Civil. Not Criminal! My son’s not a criminal!”

Me: “Okay, could I get a last name to see if I can find it that way?”

Caller: “The name is *****.”

Me: “Okay, that name isn’t showing up at all. Are you sure its not a Criminal case?”

Caller: “MY SON IS NOT A CRIMINAL! How dare you suggest it, you b****!”

Me: “Okay… can you tell me what the case was about?”

Caller: “Oh, kidnapping and assault.”

Me: *transfers to Criminal*

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Driving While Supplemented

, | Legal | May 29, 2018

(While interviewing a man I have just stopped for drunk driving one night…)

Me: “How much did you have to drink?”

Man: “A bottle of wine and a scotch in four hours. I thought I was okay to drive.”

Me: “Are you taking any medication?”

Man: “Well, I just started taking those fish oil capsules.”

Me: “The Omega 3 ones?”

Man: “Yes, those ones.”

Me: “Those are supposed to make you smarter.”

Man: “Yes, they are.”

Me: “Well, I’m sure you can get your money back for them, then.”

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Fake ID, Real Emotions

, , , , | Legal | May 28, 2018

(I am working third shift in a convenience store. A guy walks in. He looks about 14. He brings a six-pack of beer to the counter.)

Me: “Uh, I need to see your ID.”

(The guy hands me his driver’s license, but he’s shaking so hard from nervousness it’s hard to take it from him. It turns out he’s 16.)

Me: “Sorry, you’re not old enough to purchase this product. Is there anything else I can get for you?”

(I hand him back his ID. The guy slinks out of the store but returns a minute later.)

Guy: “Man, did you keep my ID? Please don’t call the cops! My parents will kill me!”

(I assure him I gave the ID back to him but he is panicking and starts to cry:)

Guy: “Please, man, just give me back my ID.”

(I spent the next five minutes with this sobbing dude looking around the parking lot and inside his car trying to find his ID, trying all along to convince him that I had not confiscated it and called the cops on him. Finally, he reached into his underwear and retrieved the ID. He was so nervous he had missed his pocket and slipped the ID into his waistband. He fled, and I never saw him again.)

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The Lazy Arm Of The Law

, , , , | Legal | May 27, 2018

(While we are filing our 2016 income tax returns, our accountant discovers that someone stole my Social Security Number and attempted to file this return. It is one of the rare times I am glad we were not expecting a tax refund. Our accountant suggests we complete the following three steps. One, file an identity theft alert with the Internal Revenue Service; two, sign up for fraud and theft alert with the three national credit monitoring companies; and three, file a police report. Steps #1 and #2 are easily completed; then, we have this experience with Step #3:)

Police Officer: “Hello, you have reached the non-emergency phone number. What is your concern or problem?”

Me: “We’ve just found out that someone tried to file a tax return under my SSN, and our accountant suggested we file a police report.”

Police Officer: *long sigh* “Well, you can just call 911 and request a police officer to do it at your home.”

Me: “I just want to make sure I heard correctly. You’re suggesting I call 911 to file this identity-theft claim? But I though 911 was just for emergencies.”

Police Officer: “Yes, it is for emergencies. If you felt this concern was an emergency, this is a quicker way to file this type of police report.”

Me: “No, it is not an emergency; my wallet and purse were not stolen. Someone tried to fraudulently file a tax return with my SSN.”

Police Officer: *another sigh* “Okay, ma’am. You and your husband can come to the police station and file your report there.”

(Somehow, I am not comforted that my local tax dollars would be used to cover the 911 expenses of filing a non-emergency police report!)

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