I am a lawyer, and I do notarization when I have time.

Client: “I would like you to notarize some copies of the separation agreement between my wife and me.”

Me: “I can make notarial copies of the agreement, but only if it has already been signed by all the parties before your own family law lawyers.”

Client: “I just need copies.”

The day of the appointment, a man and a woman show up to my office and start arguing in the parking lot. The argument starts to turn into a shouting match, and I am just about to call the police when they both calm down and walk into my office.

They introduce themselves and, sure enough, it is my notarization client. He gives me the separation agreement and, of course, it is not signed.

Client: “We wrote this agreement up ourselves, and we need you to witness our signatures.”

I like having a license, so I just referred them to a family lawyer. They left my office and, after another two-minute shouting match in the parking lot, got in a car — together — and drove off.

My husband and two other family members are going fishing early in the morning. They stop by a convenience store to buy supplies and fishing licenses. My husband gets out of the car, walks up to the door, opens it, goes in, and starts looking around. The other two follow him in.

A short time later, a police car pulls up outside and the officer opens the door.

Officer: “Please set your things down and come outside.”

They comply.

Officer: “What are you doing here today?”

Husband: “We are going fishing and stopped to buy some supplies and our fishing licenses.”

About that time, the owner pulls up.

Owner: “How did you get into the store?!”

Husband: “I just opened the door and walked in.”

Apparently, whoever closed the store the night before didn’t lock the doors. When my husband pulled open the door, he set off an alarm that sent the police and the owner to the store!

About that time, the employee who was supposed to open up arrived at work. The owner believed my family’s story and allowed them to make their purchases. However, we don’t know what happened to the employee who forgot to lock up.

It’s a Saturday, nothing especially noteworthy going on. I’m on my computer in my room and my mom’s down the hall watching TV. Suddenly, my phone rings; it’s my grandpa.

Me: “Hey, Grandpa! How are you?”

Grandpa: “[My Name], I’m at the bank. I have the money! Are you all right?”

Me: “What? I’m fine, Grandpa. What money?”

Grandpa: “The money you told me to send you! Are you all right? Are you in prison?”

I leap up, freaked out.

Me: “Prison?! What are you talking about?! Grandpa, I’m at home!”

Grandpa: “You’re… not in prison? Does your mother know?”

Me: “No! I’m in my room, at home! Mom’s right down the hall. Do you need to talk to her?”

Grandpa: “I think I might, yes.”

I go to my mom’s room.

Me: “Hey, uh, Grandpa’s on the phone, and I think something weird is going on.”

I handed her the phone and they talked for a while.

Apparently, some scammer had called my grandpa with the ol’ “Grandpa, it’s me, your grandson!” And my grandpa, being, you know, old, didn’t realize it wasn’t me, dropping my name and giving the scammer a chance to latch onto it. The scammer then gave him a sob story about how “I” had taken a trip to the city and gotten “myself” arrested somehow and that my grandpa needed to wire “me” a large sum of money to pay bail. The scammer also insisted that my grandpa not tell my mother about this, which he agreed to for some reason. He was already at the bank, checkbook in hand, but luckily, he had the presence of mind at that point to call my actual cell phone to confirm I was okay. 

The good news is that he didn’t lose any money. The bad news is that my mom was pretty pissed at him for a while for nearly getting scammed and for the notion that if I were in prison, he would attempt to keep that secret from her.

I’m hanging out with friends when my phone rings. The number shows my area code but it isn’t a number I recognize. I decide to answer anyway.

Me: “Hello?”

Recorded Voice: “This is the Social Security Administration. Your social security number has been flagged for suspicious use.”

You know how the spiel goes. They’ll send out a warrant for my arrest, freeze my bank accounts, etc., unless I press a number to talk to an agent.

Scammer: “Social security office, how may I help you?”

Me: “I just got told my number has been flagged?”

Scammer: “Can I get your name?”

Me: “Yes, it’s Pat Bums.”

This is nowhere close to my name. My friends start cracking up, but I silence them so the “agent” doesn’t catch on.

Scammer: “All right, can you spell that for me?”

I spell it.

Scammer: “Thank you, Miss… ah… Bums. Can I get your social security number?”

Me: “Sure, it’s eight.”

There’s some silence.

Scammer: “Ma’am?”

Me: “Yes?”

Scammer: “I need your social security number to verify.”

Me: “Yes, it’s eight.”

Scammer: “The whole number?”

Me: “It’s the only one, yup!”

Scammer: “Ma’am—”

Me: “Oh, the big number!”

One of my friends has to leave the room as he’s laughing too hard.

Scammer: “Yes, ma’am, I need the whole social security number.”

Me: “Oh, yes, I remember! It’s twelve!”

Scammer: “Ma’am, this is a serious matter. If I cannot verify who you are, the arrest warrant may be issued.”

Me: “Sir, I’ll be honest. I’m not sure how you could arrest me.”

Scammer: “If your number was flagged—”

Me: “Sir, you know it’s illegal to impersonate a government employee?”

He hangs up. I set my phone down.

Me: “Next call, one of you guys is handling it.”

This story is part of the Phone Scam Payback roundup!

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I was interested in buying a new smartphone and saw an offer on the website of a mobile carrier. You had to buy the smartphone and then send a form before the limit date to receive a discount.

I bought the smartphone, sent the form, and waited. I received an email from the company saying that, unfortunately, we had sent the form too late.

What made me laugh? They answered before the limit date, so it could not be more obvious they were lying.

My mother wrote them an email threatening to call our country’s Fraud Service and they promptly gave us the discount.