I’m in line at a gas station where I’m a regular customer, waiting to pay for my gas and a few other items. The station has two cash registers served by the same line. Usually, only one register is open, but if there are a lot of people in line, another employee will open the second register to help clear the line.

When I get in line, only the first register is open. I wait patiently, with three or four other customers behind me. When I’m next in line for the register, an employee sees the line and opens the second register, calling for the next person in line.

I start to step over, and then a woman at the back of the line of customers SPRINTS to the register. I see her coming and take two long steps to make sure I get to the register before her. I place my own items on the counter and use my body to block her from reaching past me to put her own items on the counter. This makes her mad.

Woman: *Screaming like a banshee* “I WAS HERE FIRST! YOU CUT ME OFF! GET OUT OF MY WAY!”

I turn to the woman, calmly point out where the back of the line is, and turn back to the cashier. The woman continues shrieking, and the cashier and I both roll our eyes at her behavior.

As I reach for my wallet to pay, something slams into the back of my head, hard enough that I have to brace myself against the counter for a few seconds to make sure I’m not seriously injured. When I know I’m okay, I turn around to see the woman with an unopened but dented aluminum pop can in her hand.

Practically shaking with rage, I make a conscious effort to restrain myself from punching her and I pull my phone out of my pocket. As I dial and begin explaining the situation to the person on the other end of my call, the woman realizes what is going on and flees the store. I finish telling the 911 dispatcher what happened, including a description of the woman’s car while I watch her get in and speed out of the parking lot.

Two police officers arrive, and I give my official statement to them. Other customers and the employees also provide statements, and the store manager agrees to hand over the footage from the store’s security cameras.

I agree to press assault charges against the woman, and the store also presses charges for shoplifting — she took her items without paying — and for driving off without paying for her fuel. After giving my statement, I accept an ambulance ride to the hospital for a concussion evaluation and am diagnosed with a minor concussion.

A week after the assault, I go back to the hospital for a follow-up exam and am given a clean bill of health. I take all of the paperwork from the ambulance ride and my two exams to the county courthouse and file a civil lawsuit against the woman for the bills.

The woman chooses to fight her various criminal charges but is found guilty on all counts at her court trial. After declaring the sentence, the judge also rules in my favor in my civil lawsuit and awards me full compensation for my medical bills resulting from the woman’s assault.

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Apparently, there is a new spin on the “your computer is infected” scam. Here is the full extent of a Saturday afternoon call to my landline.

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “Hello, this the technician who worked on your computer last time. Remember?”

I have a ten-second belly laugh.

Me: “Bye.”

Scammer: “Bye.”

For the record, no one — technician or otherwise — has worked on my computer.

My father used to work for a company that made things like diapers and other such products. As such, they worked with what is known as super-absorbent. This is the stuff that actually absorbs and holds in the liquid. For anyone who has never seen super-absorbent in its raw form, it is basically a white granular powder, kind of like sugar.

One time, well before the increased security from 9/11, my dad’s boss was flying to a business conference. In his suitcase, he had several samples of super-absorbent to show. Unfortunately, while in the terminal, his suitcase was stolen.

If you have ever played with super-absorbent, or even seen what happens to a diaper in a pool, you’ll know that when it comes into contact with liquid: it turns into a gel and expands. It expands quite a bit, actually. So, if it were inside a confined space when that happened, like, say, inside someone’s sinus cavity…

The boss was able to retrieve his briefcase later from the police at the nearby hospital. He never did get his super-absorbent samples back, though.

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While I am trying to get out of a parking lot, a young man gets upset that I have gotten “too close” to his car. He sucker-punches me in the face through the open window of my car. I have a good description of the suspect, a good vehicle description, and the license plate number of the vehicle he was in. There are multiple witnesses and even surveillance video of the incident. The police are duly called and I am given a case number and told a detective will be contacting me.

A week goes by without any information, so I call the police department’s non-emergency number and ask about the case, using the case number provided.

Receptionist: “The case hasn’t actually been recorded yet because it’s only been a week. Call back next week.”

I call back the next week and learn that the report has been filed, and I am (eventually) put in touch with the appropriate office for investigating assaults. I speak to a detective.

Detective #1: “We haven’t had a chance to look at the case yet. Please call us back later.”

I wait a week and call the detective office directly, with the case number.

Detective #2: “You’ll have to talk to our lead detective, [Lead Detective]. But he’s in court all week, so you’ll have to call back next week.”

We are now a month past the date I was assaulted, and no one from the police department has apparently even looked at the report since it was eventually filed. I call back and talk to the lead detective.

Lead Detective: “We don’t investigate misdemeanor assault.”

Me: *Shocked* “Why not?”

Lead Detective: “It’s too hard to get a conviction for stuff like that, so it’s not worth our time.”

Me: *Peeved* “I have five witnesses, security camera footage, a description of the attacker and his vehicle, and his license plate number. I absolutely want to press charges against the idiot who slugged me.”

[Lead Detective] is silent for a couple of seconds.

Lead Detective: “You… you have the license plate number?”

Me: “Absolutely! [Number]. It should be in the police report, too, because I gave it to the responding officer.”

There’s another brief pause.

Lead Detective: “What was that case number again?”

Me: “[Case number].”

Lead Detective: *Furiously typing* “Can you give me a description of the attacker?”

I give him the description from my notes.

Lead Detective: “Huh! I think I know who this person is. Can you come to the station and do a photo line-up?”

Me: “Sure.”

A week later — now FIVE weeks after the assault — I pick the suspect out of the photo array, and it turns out to be the guy [Lead Detective] was thinking of. I am escorted to the prosecutor’s office where I swear out an official complaint, and I am told a warrant will be issued for the young man’s arrest. I am asked if I am ready to testify at trial, and I emphatically agree.

EIGHT MONTHS LATER, the young man who attacked me gets arrested for something completely unrelated and is charged with assault due to the warrant. I am notified by mail of the court date for this case… scheduled for five months later.

More than a year after the actual assault, I finally stand up in court, identify the young man who attacked me to the judge, and describe what happened. [Lead Detective] actually shows up — surprising me — and tells the judge the surveillance video corroborates my story. The judge wants to see the video, but it turns out that the police video system is not compatible with the court’s video system, and the video won’t play. (Seriously?)

The suspect’s defense attorney is diligent and tries hard but keeps getting undercut by her client’s perpetually-changing story.

Suspect: “It wasn’t me.” “The car was being borrowed by my mom, and it wasn’t there. My mom took the car to work.” “Someone else was in the car.” “I was in the car, but in the front seat. I never got out of the car.” “I got out of the car, but I was not the guy who hit [My Name]; that was another guy… who was riding with us… and I don’t know who he was.”

The judge didn’t buy any of it, and the suspect was convicted. He was sentenced to ninety days in jail and given credit for time served for the OTHER criminal case he was involved with, and we went our separate ways having learned our lessons.

I’m not sure what the suspect learned, but I learned that anything short of a felony is fair game in [Town]. Even when given the suspect description, vehicle description, license plate number, surveillance video, and multiple witnesses, the police can’t be bothered to even look for people committing crimes unless those crimes are felonies.

I get a scam call. I decide to have some fun messing with them.

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “I am calling about your car’s extended warranty that is about to expire.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have a car because I don’t have legs.”

Scammer: *Long pause* “Oh, I’m… um… sorry.” *Click*