Scams From Beyond The Grave

, , | Legal | July 4, 2018

(We just got back to my grandfather’s house from burying my grandmother. The phone rings and I answer. A man is on the other end, and in my emotional exhaustion I don’t understand, so I ask him to repeat. He is calling to notify us that we won several thousand dollars. Since it’s not my house, I ask for the exact winner, even though I suspect a scam.)

Caller: “Oh, [Grandmother] won.”

(Now I know it’s a scam, and even though I’m annoyed I try to stay polite.)

Me: “Sir, this is not funny. We just finished burying her; she died a week ago. Please don’t call again.”

Caller: “What do you mean?”

Me: “She is dead. I find this rude and disrespectful.”

Caller: “Are you her daughter?”

Me: “No, her granddaughter, and please do not call here again.”

Caller “Would you like her winnings? I just need your name.”

(Now I’m getting mad.)

Me: “Oh, really? How did she win?”

Caller: “By paying her bills on time and shopping at her favourite shops—”

(I start laughing.)

Caller: “What is so funny?”

Me: “She has been in a home for five years with dementia and hasn’t known who I am for over three years. How the h*** did she go shopping?!”

(The man hangs up on me. Thinking that is the end I try not to alert my grandfather and the rest of the family so they don’t get upset. About ten minutes later the phone rings again and I grab the phone. Sadly my grandfather hears it ring this time and also comes over.)

Caller: “Do you know who this is?”

Me: “The man I spoke to about ten minutes ago.”

Caller: “Are you ready to accept your money now?”

Grandfather: “Who is it?”

Me: “Sir, as I told you this is rude and disrespectful. This is a scam; please leave us alone.”

Grandfather: “Who is it?”

Caller: “Would the man I hear be interested?”

(Now I don’t care.)

Me: “Hold on. I’ll ask.”

(I do not cover the mouthpiece so he can hear:)

Me: “The man on the line says Grandma won several thousand dollars; I told him of her death and is now offering the money to anyone who wants it.”

Grandfather: *grabs the phone* “How dare you?! She is dead! This is a scam! Never call back again!”

(His voice was shaking with anger as he slammed the phone down. I honestly would not have been angry if, when I told him of her death, he said sorry and left it at that, but him trying to continue the scam has caused me to lose faith in humanity.)

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They’re About To Get Pistol Whipped

, , , , , | Legal | July 3, 2018

(I am a boy working a popular restaurant with a regular inside. It’s a slow night. A man with a cap on walks inside.)

Me: “Hello, welcome to [Restaurant]. How can I help you?”

Customer: *silence*

Me: “It’s okay if you need some tim–”

Customer: *pulls out a pistol*

Regular: *screams and tackles the customer to the floor*

Me: *starts running to the back*

Regular: “Wait! It’s a joke! It’s a joke!”

(Turned out they were brothers and wanted some enjoyment out of me. They’re lucky that I didn’t get to the phone!)

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Coming To A Speedy Resolution

, , , | Legal | July 2, 2018

(I accidentally run a red light. It is a high speed limit area, and my friend and I thought the yellow was going to last longer than it did. I immediately, deservedly, get pulled over.)

Cop: “So… you know why I pulled you over?”

Me: *sheepishly* “Yes! I’m so sorry!”

Cop: “Everyone’s waving at me like, ‘Did you see what she did? Go get her!’”

Me: “Yes, I know. I’m really sorry.” *has license in hand* “Let me look for–”

Cop: “I don’t need all that stuff. Just your license.”

(I hand it over. The cop goes back to his squad car, and I wait. My record has one ticket from a minor accident as a teen, but that’s it. The cop comes back.)

Cop: *very sternly* “[My Name]…”

Me: *braces for ticket*

Cop: *friendly* “It’s just a warning!” *hands my licence back*

Me: *stunned* “Oh… Thank you!”

Cop: “Who’s the greatest cop ever?”

Me: “You are!”

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Monthly Roundup: June 2018

, | Friendly Healthy Hopeless Learning Legal Related Right Romantic Working | July 2, 2018

It’s time for the June roundup! Our editors have decided among themselves which stories in June deserve the extra attention, regardless of the number of thumbs-ups they received. Out of the 807 stories we posted in the month, we’ve singled out fourteen.

If there are any stories from the last month you feel we should have included, please let us know in the comments!

Don’t forget to vote for your favorite stories in the poll below! Note: You can choose up to three. The winner of the previous roundup poll was Sued To Satisfaction, from the Right category!

 

Has The Authority To Tell You How It Is – I have less than zero authority to give you a discount, which is also the number of f***’s I give.

Dusting Off The Scum – Don’t do the crime if you can’t turn off the cameras.

Their Biggest Handicap Is Themself – Don’t piss off a mama bear!

What The Check Are You Playing At –  Checks will bounce, like customers will off of windows.

Not The Kind Of “Fall Into My Arms” Story We’re Used To – Old people come fully armed and ready to serve.

No Red Alerts For This Red Light – Cops are humans too.

It’s Not The Postman Going Postal Today – What happens when you take their “rules” and throw it right back at them.

They’re All Tuned In To Each Other – This is going to get you all rent out of shape.

They Went Back To The Future – Growing old together doesn’t mean growing up!

If You Treat The Cows Like Crap… – The second half of this title needs no explanation.

Sometimes You Just Have To Bear With Them – They were bear-ly aware.

These Finals Are A Piece Of Cake – This dorm is not the norm… sadly.

The Worst Of Times Brings Out The Best In People – Where were YOU when 9/11 happened?

Don’t Know Their Own Monkey-Business – Know your monkeys, or the little monkeys will teach you.

 

Please choose your favorite story of the month!

View Results

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When The Yelper Got Yelped

, , | Legal | July 1, 2018

(A new potential client texts:)

Potential Client: “I want to get my dog groomed this Saturday.”

Groomer: “Thank you for your interest; currently we are booked until [date out three weeks]. Can I get more information on your dog?”

Potential Client: “If you don’t get me in this Saturday I’m going to post on every review site every day!”

Groomer: “Sorry, we don’t groom for terrorists and any libel will be dealt with by my lawyer.”

(The groomer then screen-shot the texts and shared with local and national groomer groups online to blacklist him.)

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