I’m getting calls every hour on my landline — I guess I have a landline; who knew? — from a scam call centre, hoping to coax me into letting them into my home network. I have ignored them, gotten angry, reported them, etc. They keep calling. So, I try a new tack.

Caller: “This is [Company] support. How are you?”

Me: “I’m great! How are you?”

Caller: “I’m good. I am calling about the problems with your broadband. We are seeing a lot of errors.”

Me: “Oh, that’s great! I’ve been meaning to call you about that. Thanks.”

Skip the bit when I straight-out lie about the colours of the lights on my router.

Caller: “So, do you have a laptop or computer to connect to the Internet?”

Me: “Yes, I have a laptop but is… um… in a box.”

Yeah, improv is not one of my skills. 

Caller: “If you set it up, I will wait.”

Me: “Great! Won’t be long.”

Now I am in a coffee shop. I wonder how long she waited before hanging up?

I never usually answer my phone for numbers I do not recognize. I am waiting for a call from my resident advisor regarding a dorming matter; he has my number but I do not have his. My phone rings and I assume it is him, so I answer it.

Me: “What’s up?!”

Scammer: “Hello, miss. We have been trying to get a hold of you for quite some time. Your computer has a serious bug and you need to act fast!”

I have nothing better to do, so let’s play along.

Me: “Really? D***. Which computer is it on?”

Scammer: “It is on your main computer. We need your details so we can log in and help get rid of the bug.”

Me: “Well, I have a couple of computers, so you really need to nail it down.”

Scammer: “Whichever one you use the most, that is the one.”

Me: “But I make sure to use them equally every day. If I didn’t, they would get upset with me!” *Whispering* “We wouldn’t like it if they got upset. You know what I mean?”

Scammer: “Um, no, I’m not really sure, but your computer has a—”

Me: “Yes, yes, a bug.” *Lowers voice* “But which ONNNNEEEEE?”

Scammer: “Miss—”

Me: “Shhh! Not so loud! They can hear us!”

Scammer: “Who?”

Me: *Practically scream-whispering* “THE COMPUTERS. THEY’RE ALWAYS WATCHING. ALWAYS. WATCHING.”

Scammer: “Okay, I’m just going to—”

Me: *Now literally screaming* “AND THE DAY SHALL COME WHEN FIRE DESCENDS UPON THE EARTH AND THE DEVIL WILL CLAW HIS WAY UP FROM HELL. ONLY THE HOLY WILL BE SPARED. THE COMPUTERS ARE BEHIND IT. THEY. ARE. EVVVVIIIIIILLLLLLLLL—”

I made sure to draw out the evil until I heard the distinctive click of the scammer hanging up. Game, set, match.

This story is part of our Best Of August 2021 roundup!

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When my wife and I were newlyweds, we got an invitation to check out a wholesale club. During the ninety-minute sales pitch, we were told about all the members they had, the monthly cost, the values of the deals, etc. — lots of nice numbers for a numbers guy like me. When the guy telling us about the program stepped away near the end of the whole thing, I had a hushed conversation with my wife. We could see the store area the whole time.

Me: “Okay. The way I figure it, to justify the monthly fees to this club, we’d have to be doing significant shopping here several days a week.”

Wife: “Yeah, I see that.”

Me: “And they say they have [number] members who would all have to be doing the same to even bother having the membership, right?”

Wife: “Um…?”

Me: “Considering their hours and all, we should have seen over eighty shoppers here since we’ve been here. How many have you noticed coming through?”

Wife: “Just two.”

Me: “Yeah, me, too. Their business is just getting people to cough up a monthly fee. I think we’re going to give this opportunity a miss.”

Of course, in retrospect, I suppose that they could have been lying about membership. But since that would be to falsely convince us that it was a good thing to spend money on, it remained a bad thing to join.

[Friend #1] is tight with money, but we all know she earns plenty of money and has some pretty big savings — no kids, good pension, she just doesn’t want to spend anything. From taking the salt and pepper packets home, to digging things out of the bin, she does it all.

Surprisingly, she actually booked herself a few days away in a hotel. We are talking about it over a few drinks

Me: “So, how was the hotel itself?”

Friend #1: “Good, actually, thanks. Quiet, and the food was good.”

Friend #2: “Did you see [Nearby Famous Attraction]?”

Friend #1: “Oh, no. The tickets were far too pricey.”

Me: “Oh, so what did you do?”

Friend #1: “We stayed in the hotel mostly. Oh, I didn’t tell you the best part! We were a bit naughty and took the towels home. They had matching dressing gowns. We had to sneak them into our bags.”

Friend #2: “Err, I think that’s stealing, [Friend #1].”

Friend #1: “I bet they have hundreds. With the prices they charge, they should be free, anyway.”

Me: “You pay by card? Might want to check they haven’t added the cost of them on after they discovered them missing.”

Friend #1: “They can’t do that! Can they?”

Turns out they can and did. The “free” towels actually turned out to be very expensive, indeed. Apparently, the hotel refused to take them back once she offered, due to hygiene reasons. When [Friend #1] complained, they threatened to let the police deal with it, instead.

She (reluctantly) paid the bill.

This story is part of our Best Of August 2021 roundup!

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I work in a factory that makes parts for performance high-end cars with a very famous name and very expensive price tag. Of course, everything has to be supplied to very exacting standards. What people don’t know is that even small parts can also have high safety implications.

Me: “I’ve been reading [Customer]’s requirements. Did you realise we are supposed to be destroying the bad parts?”

Director: “We throw them in the skip; I’m sure that’s destroyed enough.”

Me: “There is a massive clause about this. I don’t think this is something we should overlook. There seem to be some pretty serious concerns here.”

Director: “Well, if you are concerned, speak to [Manager].”

I know the manager won’t care, doesn’t care, and doesn’t respect me or my job, so I try something new when I head downstairs

Me: “Are we destroying the defective parts for [Customer]?”

Manager: “Don’t see the point. They’re bad anyway.”

Me: “Oh, it’s just that [Director] wanted to know.”

Manager: “Oh, okay, then. I will make sure!”

He goes off and gets one of the guys to snap all the parts in half before throwing them away. He calls me over.

Manager: “There you go, ‘destroyed.’”

Me: “That’s great. Saved us a potential court case.”

Manager: “Court case?! What are you on about?”

Me: “Oh, someone got caught stealing sun visors from the bins at another company and was selling them online. The problem is that not only was it stealing from the company but also the sun visors weren’t crash-tested, which would be deadly. Not only a court case but massive bad PR. [Customer] sued and closed the factory.”

Manager: “Oh, I, err…”

Me: “So, is this all the scrap? This doesn’t look enough.”

Manager: “Oh. I, err… Yes, I am sure it is. I am, yes.”

Me: “Great! Then there isn’t a problem.”

I had no idea if that looked like all the scrap, but given how nervous he was, I suspected things were probably going missing.

Rumour had it that an employee was caught stealing our parts from the bin and was fired, but who let him and how he knew when the cameras were shut off is a mystery.