Bringing A Knife To A Gun-Flight

, , , , | Legal | August 31, 2018

I work as a general screener at an airport, and mostly frisk for weapons, sharp objects, LAGs, and such.

A family of four comes through, and the old lady takes a while due to her pockets being full of stuff.

Her son comes back from the bag collection towards me, as my female colleague begins her sixteen steps, and starts screaming at us that they are “pure” [nationality] and she is an old woman, so how dare we search her, especially since I’m the foreigner here. I am actually the same as him, but mixed. He starts asking for our badge number and name; I’m about to get a flight supervisor as my colleague signals to me that she found a knife.

Turns out the old lady concealed a knife with an eight-inch blade under her armpit because her family told her she couldn’t bring it on the plane. She intended to use it to cut fruit.

The police and airline ask us our opinion if they should be let through or if there is a risk of more items. I look at him and say that the concealment of the item ought to automatically warrant a full search of their person and baggage. They don’t make their flight that day.

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America: The Land Of The Litigated

, , , , , | Legal | August 30, 2018

(My boss is either from India or a first-generation US citizen, as are the manager and two other employees. Every few months we’ll have an Indian temp who is either saving up for their new life in the States, or just looking for work experience abroad. I’m working with one of the temps when she needs something from the cabinet under the open register.)

Me: “Careful, the drawer’s open.”

Temp: “I’ll sue.”

Me: *nodding* “Good, you understand how America works.”

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Not Even Offering Them A Deal(ership)

, , , , , , , | Legal | August 29, 2018

While driving my parents’ car on a long trip at night, the engine just stops and all the warning lights come on. I’m able to get the car off the road and open the hood. There is a massive amount of smoke and steam coming from the engine and after checking, I find that there is no coolant at all in the reservoir. I get to wait by the car while arrangements are made to pick both the car and me up.

The next day after examining the car, it is determined that a coolant hose came off while I was driving, and that caused the engine to overheat and seize. Over the next few days, my father acquires a new engine and swaps out the old engine with the new one. We then find out that my brother had taken the car in for some repairs a few days before my trip to dealership, and it was one of the hoses they worked on that came off.

My father is in contact with the dealership, but they say they are not at all at fault and refuse any kind of compensation. So, my father decides to take them to small claims court.

After a few months, we are all at the courthouse. The judge comes in and the case is read to her. As soon as the dealership’s name is mentioned, the judge asks for the lawyers — both ours and the dealership’s — to come forward and have a private discussion. This seems very odd, but all we can do is wait for our lawyer to come back and tell us what’s going on.

After a few minutes, our lawyer comes back with a smile on her face. Apparently, the judge is also having “issues” with the dealership, so she has to remove herself due to a conflict of interest. We can’t believe it.

Once the judge has officially removed herself from the case, the dealership settles for everything we wanted.

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Didn’t Exceed The Cute Limit

, , , , | Legal | August 28, 2018

(My parents and I just dropped my brother off at college after a weekend and are on our way back home. There’s a road heading out of the college town that has a notoriously low speed limit, despite being very easy to drive; basically, it’s a trap to try to get some extra cash from tickets. We’re fully aware of this, but we’re having a conversation and my dad gets distracted, missing when we cross into this area, and speeding. Sure enough, a cop pulls us over. My mom runs a business from home where she cuts vinyl and has her logo, which includes her name, in vinyl on the back of the car. The very young, male cop saunters up to the window and says flirtatiously as he leans in:)

Cop: “So, who’s [Mom]?”

(Right after he says this, he sees my forty-something-year-old parents and takes a few steps back. I’m trying not to lose it in the back seat. My mom grins.)

Mom: “That would be me.”

Cop: “Oh, that’s… nice. So, uh, you know why I pulled you over?”

(We didn’t get a ticket, probably because he was so embarrassed. We agreed he was expecting to see a car full of cute college girls and was hoping to pick one up.)

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This Judge Is A Joke

, , , , , | Legal | August 27, 2018

(I am a prosecutor in a small-town traffic court, and the judge is seeing walk-in defendants about their traffic tickets. A sweet-looking elderly lady has a ticket for an expired registration on her car, a very easy matter to deal with. As she approaches the bench, for some reason the judge’s sense of humor kicks in and he greets her with the following:)

Judge: “Hello, Mrs. [Lady]. It says here you’ve been charged with theft and attempted murder. How do you plead?”

(The poor lady goes wide-eyed, clutches her chest, and staggers backwards. As the bailiff rushes up to keep her from falling, the judge quickly back-pedals:)

Judge: “I’m sorry! It was a joke! I’m so sorry! Case dismissed!”

(I never witnessed him try to “joke” like that again.)

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