Just Lawyered Yourself

, , , | Legal | July 10, 2018

(I work in a call center for a large communications company. One day a customer calls in wanting information on a customer’s account.)

Me: “I can help you with that, sir. Please give me the telephone number.”

Caller: “It is [number].”

Me: “Thank you. Your name and account number, please.”

Caller: “I don’t have the account number.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but without account verification I am not able to provide you with any information on that account.”

Caller: “Look, buddy, I’m a lawyer and you f****** better give me that information or I will sue you and the company!”

Me: “Oh. You’re a lawyer?”

Caller: “D*** right. Now hurry up!”

Me: “Well, sir, I would assume that since you are a lawyer you would have a least a passing respect for the law, and you would also know, as a lawyer, that the information on customer’s accounts are protected by the PIPD Act. You would also know that if I gave you this information without proper verification it would open the company up to civil action and myself to termination of employment. I am not going to throw my job away just to make you happy.”

Caller: “F*** you!” *click*

Purveyors Of The Night Market

, , , , , , | Legal | July 9, 2018

(I am the night audit supervisor on a quiet night at a four-and-a-half star hotel when I get a call from one of the guests, a pilot with the British Royal Air Force.)

Me: “Good evening, front desk. How may I help you?”

Pilot: “Yeah, I want this girl out of my room.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir? Did someone get into your room?”

Pilot: “She’s in the bathroom; I want her out.”

Me: “Is this woman a guest of yours?”

Pilot: “Well… Yeah, but she won’t come out!”

Me: *rolling my eyes, guessing what type of “woman” is in his bathroom* “Okay, sir, I can ask security to come by and help you to convince her to come out.”

Pilot: “Yeah, okay… but what about my money?”

(I hesitate, as my first instinct is that the guest is asking us to refund his room for the inconvenience, but he cuts me off before I can say a word.)

Pilot: “She’s got my money.”

Me: “The woman in the bathroom, sir?

Pilot: “Yeah, I want my money back.”

(I am smirking silently to myself for having confirmation of the type of “woman” who is in his bathroom. I have a bit of a discussion, back and forth, with the guest, explaining that while security might help convince the woman to come out of the bathroom and leave, he cannot force her to return the money. The pilot then decides to call the police and hangs up. I shake my head to myself, fully knowing what the cops will do. After a while, two police officers get to the hotel and I escort them to the pilot’s room. The female officer walks in very slowly, comes around the corner from the entrance, and sees the woman — who has come out of the bathroom in the meantime — in the corner of the room. She smiles, points to the woman and joyfully shouts out:)

Policewoman: “CINDY!”

(The pilot’s jaw must have been going at Mach-3 as it dropped to the floor from realizing that the cops, of course, would not force a prostitute to return money she got in an illegal transaction with a mark.)

As If The Fraudsters Were Born Yesterday

, , , | Legal | July 8, 2018

(I work at a rather successful insurance company. A gaudy, middle-aged woman walks in. We go through all the information needed smoothly until…)

Me: “Okay, that just about does it. I just need you to answer one more question.”

Client: “Okay.”

Me: “What date were you born?”

Client: “October 7, 1973.”

Me: “Okay.” *murmuring as I write it down* “October 7, 1973.”

Client: “Oh, I think you must have misheard me. I said January 19, 1969.”

Me: “Oh, my mistake.”

(We go through everything again to make sure I didn’t make any mistakes. Lo and behold, when we get to the birth date, more trouble arises.)

Me: “And your birth date is January 19, 1969. Is that correct?”

Client: *getting aggravated* “You need to listen more carefully! I said May 23, 1972!”

Me: *getting suspicious* “Hey, [Coworker], can you come over here real quick?”

Coworker: “Uh, yeah, sure.”

Me: “And Miss [Client], what did you say your birthday was?”

Client: “September 1, 1965!”

Me: “Uh-huh, and [Coworker], what did I put down last?”

Coworker: “May 23, 1972.”

Client: “I never said that! He must have misheard me!”

Me: “[Coworker], do you think I misheard her? I mean, May 23, 1972 does sound a lot like September 1, 1965.”

Coworker: *catching on* “Yeah, you’re absolutely right, [My Name]. I’ll just go get security down here and see if they think the same thing.”

(Upon hearing this, the lady turned bright red, and turned around to run. She tripped and fell, along with her purse, to the ground. The purse burst open to reveal 20+ credit cards. She got up to run, but found herself face to face with a security guard. Turned out she was an identity thief, and was simply trying to remember the birth date of the person she was impersonating.)

Sip Of Justice

, , , , | Legal | July 7, 2018

(This takes place in the drive-thru.)

Me: “Your total is $5.45.”

Customer: “Last time I was here you got my order wrong! I swear to God if you got it wrong this time…”

Me: *confirms order, just to avoid hearing her complain* “All right, so, that’s $5.45.”

(The customer pays for her order, grabs her drink, and takes one sip and immediately starts screaming. She reels back to throw her drink at me, but I quickly close the drive-thru window, and the drink bounces off of it and lands on her. She drives off screaming before coming inside, covered in her drink.)

Customer: *to my manager* “THAT LITTLE B**** THREW MY DRINK AT ME!”

Manager: “That really doesn’t sound like something she’d do, but I’ll go ahead and check the security cameras.” *after checking the footage* “All right, ma’am, I have video evidence of you trying to assault one of my employees. If you leave now we won’t call the police.”

(The customer screamed incoherently and ran away. We called the police anyway and gave them the footage and her license plate number.)

Webcam Versus Scam

, , , , , | Legal | July 6, 2018

I was working in a computer shop, when after a busy morning, we discovered one of our display machines missing. Tracing through the morning’s sales we narrowed down the culprits to two men who’d come in together – one had occupied the salesperson with questions, while the other searched the store for something valuable and portable, before carrying it off.

They were very smooth, but they made two main mistakes. The first: our store dealt in used equipment, so they thought the perfect way to case the joint would be to come in a day early with an old motherboard. We still had this in our back room -– along with a detailed form containing the name, address, phone number, and other identifying information about one of them. City regulations treated this aspect of our business as if we were a pawn shop; he’d had to show picture ID to get us to look at the potential sale.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, his partner had been screwing around with the display computers while they were in the store, and managed to take several pictures of himself with the webcam on it, saving them to the desktop.

When the police arrived that afternoon we were able to give them everything they needed, gift-wrapped.

Later on, we found that the culprits denied ever having been in our store… Then, when confronted with proof, they tried to claim individual innocence, blaming each other for the crime.

I don’t think we ever got our stolen property back, but the police were apparently able to charge them based on the provable falsehoods of their stories.

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