I work for a food delivery app. One Friday afternoon, a request comes in for a delivery at a local college. I get there and see several signs advertising a gay pride event in one of the buildings on that day.

There is a group of people walking back and forth across the crosswalk that serves as the main entrance to the campus, basically making it impossible to get in. I see that they have large posters saying things like, “GAY SEX IS A SIN,” and, “ADAM AND EVE, NOT ADAM AND STEVE.” There are also a few posters about the immorality of abortions, which makes me laugh because… well… I would think gay couples are the least likely to need abortions.

I sit there waiting politely, but they just keep going back and forth. I honk a few times, but they only turn their disgusting signs toward my car and continue to circle. There is a line of people behind me now, all honking.

Finally, a police officer arrives and blocks their path on one side so I can get through. One of the protesters decides the best course of action is to throw her drink at my car as I pass. I pull over immediately and get out. 

Me: “What the h*** is wrong with you?”

Protester: “It is our right to protest peacefully. Jesus, our Lord and Savior, will—”

Me: “It’s not peaceful if you’re throwing s***!”

The woman breaks away from the group and comes toward me. The officer reaches for her, but he has his hands full with the other five still screaming about abortions and religion.

Protester: “Child of God, let me lay hands on you and pray so that you may gain the Lord’s wisdom!”

She is less than a foot away when she tries to grab my head. I dodge and pull my keys from my pocket.

Me: “If you lay a finger on me, I will pepper spray you.” 

Protester: “She just threatened to assault me!”

Officer: “I have had twelve complaints about you guys today. You cannot block the college. You cannot harass people who do not want to listen to you.”

Protester: “But—”

Officer: “If I get one more call, I’m arresting every single person here.”

Protester: “She—”

Officer: “The judge isn’t in until Tuesday. Choose wisely.”

The protester spat at my feet before walking away.

I got in my car and completed my order. The customer was understanding and tipped me an extra $10 for the trouble.

When I returned, the group was on both curbs, leaning out as far as they could. The woman who spat at me started to cross the street when I came up, I suppose thinking I would stop for her. 

I did not. She had to quickly backpedal to avoid becoming my new hood decoration.

I got a ticket just after I moved. I thought I got it all sorted, but there was something still open; I forget exactly what some two decades later.

Despite everything having been updated to my new address, the communications kept getting sent to my old address. The post office never forwarded it like I had set up, the police kept going off of the original address, and the person who lived there after me either returned the mail to the sender, which got ignored, or they just straight threw it out.

I found out when I got pulled over again — because there was a warrant for my arrest due to not appearing for a court date.

My lawyer had a field day, and by the time they were done, “up to one month in county jail” got reduced down to “the original fine plus court fees”, which is basically what the very first letter six months prior would have resulted in.

This happened about twenty-five years ago. I’m on a busier road, coming up to an intersection. There’s an expensive sports car in the middle lane with no one in it, and there’s a police car behind it with the lights on. The police officer is sitting in his car talking on the radio. This is really messing up the flow of traffic.

I end up stopped right next to the situation when a guy in his fifties walks up to the car with a gas can in his hand and starts to put the gas into the car while talking on his phone.

The police officer gets out of his car and walks up to him.

Officer: “Is this your car?”

Guy: “IT RAN OUT OF GAS AS I WAS ABOUT TO GET TO THE STATION! YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT THAT, SO GET LOST!”

Officer: “I can see that. I asked you if this was your car, not why it is here. Is this your car?”

Guy: “Yeah, it is. No one else is allowed to drive my car! Now, get out of my way so I can leave.”

Officer: “Are you [Guy], who lives at [address]?”

Guy: “Yeah. Wish you could afford to live there? I’m leaving now, so go find someone else to harass.”

He then starts to talk to whoever he is on the phone with.

Guy: “Can you believe this a**hole cop, harassing me for running out of gas? Thinking I’d let anyone drive my car?!”

The officer moves in front of him to stop him from getting into the car.

Officer: “Well, you’re going to need to have someone else drive it. You’re under arrest.”

The guy loses it now, and a stream of obscenities flows forth, insulting the intelligence of the police officer, his family, you name it. The officer just stands there looking at him. And then, when the guy takes a breath, the officer very calmly says:

Officer: “You’re [Guy] at [address].”

Guy: “YEAH! AND YOU’RE GOING TO—”

Officer: “[Guy] who is driving on a suspended license and didn’t show up in court last week — or the previous time, either? The same [Guy] who had a bench warrant issued for failure to appear in court… That [Guy]?”

Almost on cue, two more squad cars pull up on the other side of the road, lights go on, and the officers get out of their cars. The guy goes pale and starts to stammer about how his lawyer must have messed up and not told him and more excuses that the police aren’t buying at all.

Officer: “One of us will be driving your car into that parking lot. From there, we’ll have it towed to the impound lot. Rest assured, you won’t be driving it yourself for a very long time.”

After that, I moved in traffic past being able to hear what was going on, but in the rearview mirror, I did see the guy hand the keys over right before he was placed into the back of a squad car.

I’m in a class in law school.

Professor: “Who can give me an example of a no-fault criminal offense?”

Hands go up. The professor calls upon [Student #1].

Student #1: “Catching underage lobsters.”

Professor: “O… kay, any other examples?”

The professor calls upon [Student #2], who has put his hand down.

Student #2: “Sorry, I was going to say the lobster thing.”

Professor: “Does anyone have any non-lobster-related examples?”

No hands went up.

Unbeknownst to the professor, the first-year criminal law syllabus had changed to include a new leading case on no-fault offenses that involved fishermen catching underage lobsters and failing to release them. That case was the only example all of us could remember from our first year.

I was at work as an emergency responder, in a patient’s apartment, when the police showed up. Both officers had snarls on their faces, and one was grumbling to himself. To be friendly, I asked what was wrong.

Officer #1: “[Officer #2] locked us out of the squad car, so now we have to wait for ESU [Emergency Services Unit, also known as SWAT] to let us back in.”

Me: “Oh… that sucks.”

The patient didn’t go to the hospital, so we went back downstairs to do paperwork. Due to the way the officers had parked on the two-way street, we had to wait for them to move before we could move.

Shortly after we got downstairs, ESU arrived. The look on the ESU officer’s face when he reached through the OPEN window of the car and unlocked the squad car was priceless.

My partner and I lost it with laughter. They begged us and ESU not to tell anyone the story…

Yeah, sorry, pal. You did “a dumb”, and we are totally sharing. My only regret is not getting it on video.