This Number Is A Different Animal Entirely

, , , | Legal | November 27, 2018

Automated Prompt: “…to report a sick animal, a lost animal, or any other animal emergency, press 0 for dispatch.”

(Thinking this will connect me to an animal control unit, I press 0.)

Sheriff’s Dispatcher: “[County] Sheriff Non-Emergency Dispatch. How can I help you?”

Me: “I’m sorry. I’m trying to get in contact with [County] Animal Services.”

Sheriff’s Dispatcher: “Yeah, we handle animal issues on weekends.”

Me: “Okay, well, I have a dog that was found by a couple of people here. I’m trying to find a safe place for him right now so the owner can retrieve him. Do you have anyone I can contact for that?”

Sheriff’s Dispatcher: “Well, if you can contain the animal safely, hold on to him until Animal Services opens on Monday, and then contact them to pick him up.”

Me: “I see. I apologize, but I’m a bit annoyed at the fact that we have a dedicated Animal Control, and yet it falls to the police to do their job on weekends.”

Sheriff’s Dispatcher: “Totally understandable, sir.”

(After that, I contacted a relative who had a dog crate to take him; we’ve taken him in for the time being. According to the website, the Animal Services’ office isn’t open until 12 pm Monday. Good to know my tax dollars are being used wisely. At least he’s cute.)

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Claims To Be Dismissed

, , | Legal | November 26, 2018

(I work in the land acquisition department for a civil engineering firm. We are tasked with acquiring right-of-way and/or easements needed for roadway improvement projects initiated by our state, county, or even city transportation and roadway departments. We usually settle with property owners, where they’ll receive fair market value or an acceptable amount of money for the portion of their property required for the roadway project. However, in some cases, we have to acquire the portion by right of eminent domain, by act of condemnation. In most cases the judge only deals with the property owner and attorney for the body of government seeking to acquire the owner’s property. Very rarely do these hearings go to jury trial, but on the off chance they do, jury duty is ordered as it is with any other trial. Potential jurors are each issued a paddle with a number in a large font printed on it. This happens to a former coworker of mine.)

District Attorney: *after introducing the case* “Is anybody here familiar with [Property Owner]?”

(A few jurors raise their paddles, as does my coworker.)

District Attorney: “Is anybody here familiar with [Roadway Project]?”

(A few more jurors raise their paddles, including my coworker.)

District Attorney: “Does anybody here know [County D.O.T. Commissioner]?”

(A couple of jurors raise their paddles, including my coworker.)

District Attorney: “Is anybody here familiar with [Our Employer]?”

(A few more jurors raise their paddles, including my coworker.)

District Attorney: “Does anybody here know [Boss]?”

(A couple of jurors raise their paddles, including my coworker.)

District Attorney: “Does anybody here know [Coworker]?”

(By then, [Coworker] is basically jumping up and down in her seat, waving her paddle as if she is swatting at flies.)

District Attorney: “Yes, Juror #24, how do you know these parties?”

Coworker: “Because I am [Coworker]!”

(She was promptly dismissed.)

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Monthly Roundup: October 2018

| Friendly Healthy Hopeless Learning Legal Related Right Romantic Working | November 26, 2018

It’s time for the October roundup! Our editors have decided among themselves which stories in October deserve the extra attention, regardless of the number of thumbs-ups they received. Out of the 901 stories we posted in the month, we’ve singled out nineteen.

If there are any stories from the last month you feel we should have included, please let us know in the comments!

Don’t forget to vote for your favorite stories in the poll below! Note: You can choose up to three*. The winner of the previous roundup poll was The Babysitter Blues , from the Related category!

Breast Practice For Dealing With Narrow-Minded People – How to deal with those offended by breast feeding!

Boss Baby – Gotta start them early!

Minimum Wage Is Totally Skippable – Why do minimum wage jobs have maximum requirements?

Cutting Any Potential Mix-Ups Short – Getting a short haircut shouldn’t take this long.

Some Strange Lab Conditions – Even better than drunk texts, are fever texts.

This Museum Rocks! – A precursor to getting a pet rock.

It’s A Bad Sign-us Infection – What do you do when the doctor IS the hypochondriac?

Having Unsanitary Thoughts – The old ways aren’t very lady like.

Not A Different Kettle Of Fish – Constructing a comfortable little prison for your fish.

PTS-Daaaaaa*n Girl! – See what happens when a 5’3″ girl with a softball bat encounters a burglar.

Might Need A New Nanny To Watch Their Privilege – Growing up in a nanny state.

The Mother Of All Voices – The power of the “mom voice” knows no limits.

Acts Of Kindness Can Be A Piece Of Pancake – When in doubt, just give cake.

The Express Yourself Lane – Pregnant women that are about to pop, are also about to explode.

A Storybook Romance – If you don’t like to read, this story is not for you. Also why are you even on this site?

Can’t Recognize A Good Sign – Because sign language is so loud.

It’s Not Going To Be Her Dog-Day Afternoon -Isn’t every story improved with a pooch? Especially ones where the good guys win?

No More Narrow Escapes – For this bad driver, it’s a one-way street to justice.

The Owner’s Reaction Is Nice And Crisp – An ending so satisfying that we saved it for the end.


Please choose your favorite story of the month!

View Results

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*Not Always Hopeless stories are not included in the poll. This is because often they are so lovely they win by default.

Bad Cops, Bad Cops…

, , , | Legal | November 25, 2018

(The police around where I am are pretty laid back, despite it being a bad area. I work in a hotel in the early morning at front desk. Our hotel offers free breakfast to customers. Sometimes, a non-customer will sneak in and help themselves, and they will be kicked out. One day, some cops come in and start helping themselves to breakfast. I don’t mind, since I like being on good terms with them; they’ve helped me MANY, MANY times with unruly customers. But then, they start coming in to eat EVERY DAY. I go to my supervisor.)

Me: *whispering* “Those cops… Is it okay if they eat here? Just making sure.”

Supervisor: “Yeah, sure. The GM loves them.”

(Months pass, and I hear rumors of some customers getting nervous for some reason, inquiring about the cops being allowed. My GM comes up to me.)

GM: “Are the cops eating here every day?”

Me: “Yes.”

GM: “They aren’t allowed to do that!”

Me: “Uh, but the supervisor said it was okay?”

GM: “Hmm!” *chews supervisor out*

(Then she went and told the cops that they weren’t allowed to eat the breakfast; a cup of coffee was okay, but no eating. They looked shocked, said okay, and left. I felt bad, since I was afraid they wouldn’t help me with dealing with violence-prone customers anymore. But it was the GM’s decision. After that, they only came in once a week or so… and I always played dumb! I do wonder, don’t the cops hate it when people do whatever they like? So, why do THEY do it?)

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Get Dash-Cams, People!

, , , , , , | Legal | November 24, 2018

(In Australia it’s illegal to talk on or use your phone in any way while driving. You can use Bluetooth. I’m driving home, up a steep mountain, in a 50-kmph zone. A car screeches up behind me doing at least double that, until they almost hit the back of me. I don’t freak out, but I definitely have some choice words to mutter to myself. Then, as soon as it starts, they immediately back off and pretend to drive like a sane person. I’m watching the road, but I’ll admit I’m a bit distracted looking in the mirror. Then, I see flashing lights behind them and get excited they’re getting their comeuppance. Well… they don’t. The car moves out the way and the police car following moves past them. I assume at this point they’re headed to an emergency, so I, too, pull over to let them pass. The jerk driver leaves on his merry way and the cop car parks behind me. I open my window.)

Me: “Sorry, but are you stopping here, or stopping me?”

Cop: *getting out* “We’re stopping you.”

Me: “Oh. Why?”

Cop: “You were on your phone.”

Me: “Huh, actually, no, I wasn’t.”

Cop: “Yes, you were; you threw it in the back.”

Me: “No, it’s here.”

(I pat my pockets, assuming that’s where it is, then ruffle through my handbag. It’s in a pocket. In the meantime, a second cop has come out and is looking in my back window with a torch for the elusive phone I’ve supposedly thrown. It’s midday, in the middle of summer, and my windows aren’t tinted; dramatic much? I show the first cop my phone.)

Me: “Here’s my call log. The last call was at [time], and the last message was at [time]. Here’s a message from two days ago that says my data ran out, so I wasn’t online.”

Cop: “You deleted the records. Just admit it; your hand was to your ear.”

Me: “I am completely unaware of whatever I was doing with my hand.”

Cop: “Well, you were looking scared in the mirror because you saw us and knew you were caught.”

Me: “No, that’s because I was almost in an accident with that car behind me, who did a burnout up the mountain, and then drove at least twice the limit, before nearly hitting me.”

Cop: “Well, you were definitely on your phone.”

Me: “I don’t even know what to say. I wasn’t.”

Cop: “Well, just don’t do it again.”

(This was about five years ago and it still annoys me. For obvious reasons, but also because I forgot until after he let me go that I had Bluetooth and I’d have no reason to use my phone, anyway.)

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