Should Just STOP Talking

, , , | Legal | December 13, 2018

(My dad is turning left onto a road with three lanes going each way. As he makes it into the middle, he suddenly gets T-boned. The police are called and question the other driver.)

Cop: “Why did you keep driving into the intersection even though the light was red?”

Driver: “Well, I couldn’t figure out why everyone was stopped, so I went into the turning lane to go around them, and all of a sudden this guy was in the road and I hit him.”

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He’s About To Get A Chile Reception

, , , , , , , | Legal | December 12, 2018

This story happened to my sister. We are from Chile, but she was traveling in Europe when this happened. She got onto a train in Prague and a random guy got into the compartment where she was, and started to talk very fast in English. He told her that he had to go to the next city because of an emergency and that he would have to leave his wife alone without a penny. They only had one credit card he would need for the trip, so he needed cash. He promised my sister that if she gave something, he would return it when they arrive at the next station.

My sister realised that this was a scam from the first moment, but she was afraid that he could do something to her, as she was traveling alone. In that moment she remembered that she had some Chilean money, so she took her wallet and timidly said, “I only have Chilean money on me right now; I would love to help you, so here you go,” and she handed him 1000 Chilean pesos — a little more than a US dollar.

When the guy saw the 1000, he got the biggest smile of victory and hurried down the train never to be seen again.

To this day we laugh at the guy, thinking about his face the day he went to the money exchange and they give him just a Euro.

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Throw The Books At Him

, , , , , | Legal | December 11, 2018

I happen to work at a library that has its fair share of, well, interesting people. And by “interesting,” I mean “dangerous and unpredictable.” We have the ignominious distinction of being the only library in the area that has a full-time security staff.

One regular is a guy who likes to stalk, bully, sexually harass, and intimidate women while drunk on alcohol. Technically, people can come to my library off-their-rear-ends drunk, and we’re not allowed to kick them out unless they prove disruptive, which is beyond stupid, if you ask me. This guy comes up to me and tries to bully me into giving him a dollar to buy headphones. I tell him no, because A, not library policy, and B, he is responsible for his own personal needs. He reacts so loudly and violently that I try to call 911, but I can’t get a signal. He thinks that’s hilarious, and laughs in my face while reeking of vodka. He actually has the gall to drink it right in front of me! I finally get the guy to back off, but he still goes out of his way to be a bullying jerk the entire time.

Later, after we close, I see him hanging around outside. He keeps approaching random women who are sitting down, and shouting in their faces, still visibly drunk. Not liking where this is going, I call 911 on my cell phone. The cops show up six minutes later. I have already left so I didn’t see him get arrested.

I tell my boss what happened. He agrees we should ban him from the property for ninety days for his behavior. Two weeks later, I have the happy pleasure of serving him the paperwork. He tries to wriggle out of it, claiming his identity was stolen, but he still leaves.

Fast forward about three months. Management decides to rescind the ban, thinking he’s been punished adequately.

He thinks that he can get away with the same stuff as before, so he decides to call a little old lady a sexual slur for the fun of it, while drunk again. Only this time, the old lady decides to complain to a female police officer who happens to be in the building. The officer drags the guy by the arm to escort him out of the building. He is loudly asking what law has he broken, and using all kinds of terrible language, when he suddenly reaches into his pocket. Because she’s a cop, this ends with her wrestling him to the ground and holding him there. The whole time she’s waiting for backup, he won’t stop screaming about how he’s going to sue everyone, calling the officer all kinds of sexual and racial slurs, and causing quite the large crowd to gather, me included. I smile enormously as he sits there and suffers the full penalty for his sins.

I get to watch as ten cops — ten! — show up in six minutes.

I don’t care how much hate it gets me. I enjoy that immensely.

This time, he’s banned for a year. And if he tries to sneak in again — which is not uncommon — I will have the pleasure of reminding him what took place that day.

I don’t think he’ll try anything.

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Appearances Can’t Be Deceiving

, , , , , , , | Legal | December 10, 2018

In the late 80s, my uncle looked like a big, hairy biker guy, despite being a very big teddy bear. He had the ZZ-Top beard and long hair, and perpetually wore a bandana like a headband.

He was pulled over for speeding or some minor infraction and decided he wanted to go to court to fight it. He decided nobody would give the time of day to a dirty, biker-looking guy, and went and cut off his hair and beard, which hadn’t been cut in the better part of a decade. My mother didn’t even recognize him clean shaven, it had been so long.

He showed up in court — my mom and I, a child, tagged along for some reason — in a suit, with short hair, clean shaven….

Only to find out the judge assigned the case was blind.

And nobody in our family has let him live that down!

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How Thieves Get Trained

, , , , , , | Legal | December 9, 2018

(I work as a driver for a mid-sized haulage company. Our depot backs onto some train tracks, and as a result, we have a higher than average number of people breaking onto the site trying to steal cargo off the back of trailers parked in the yard. This is in spite of better fences, more cameras, changing and even hiring a full-time night guard with a pair of German shepherds to keep an eye on things. We still have people breaking in two to three times a week. I return to the yard about two am, to find four of the mechanics gathered around a refrigerated trailer.)

Me: “What’s going on?”

Mechanic #1: “We’re training.”

Me: “Training to stand near a trailer in the dark?”

Mechanic #2: “No, we’re training tonight’s wannabe thieves. [Night Guard] and the dogs rounded a pair of them up earlier.”

(At this point I become aware of muffled shouting and banging coming from the trailer.)

Me: “So, you caught them and threw them in there?”

Mechanic #3: “Yeah, [Mechanic #1] was getting tired of repairing cuts in the fences every other night, so we’re seeing if we can train them to not come back, instead.”

Me: “How cold is it in there?”

Mechanic #1: “-30 C, cold as it can go.”

Me: “You have entertained the possibility they might freeze to death, haven’t you?”

Mechanic #1: “Still banging, aren’t they? [Night Guard] called the police about ten minutes ago; they’re sending someone to pick them up. We did tell them not to rush, though.”

(At this point, the police did, in fact, show up and retrieve the fairly frosty pair of thieves, whilst also cautioning the mechanics to not take the law into their own hands again. Since they hadn’t actually stolen anything, the thieves could only be charged with trespassing, so the actual police punishment was very minor. The mechanics’ unusual method did seem to work, because following this incident and a couple of further ones involving people being tossed into room-temperature trailers for several hours, our break-ins almost completely stopped.)

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