A Bad Sign(ature)

, , , , , | Legal | September 28, 2018

In the late 1990s to early 2000s, I was a tech at a small computer store. A woman brought in her malfunctioning computer and paid a rush charge to have it looked at right away. While I was checking her machine in, she was going on and on about being an attorney and needing the computer fixed quickly to be able to serve her clients. I handed her our standard disclaimer about data loss, etc., and asked her to sign.

Before I could finish explaining what it was, she grabbed my pen, signed the form without looking at it, and walked off.

I made note of her name in case I ever needed an attorney, so I could remember not to use her.


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Driving On The Right Side, And The Wrong Side

, , , , | Legal | September 26, 2018

(My husband and I recently drove to Florida from a northern state. We decide to do some shopping and navigate our way to a mall near where we’re staying. We’re looking for an open spot to park, and turn down a one-way lane with parking on both sides. A Volkswagen in front of us stops, so we do, as well, kind of off to the right of the lane. After a moment, the Volkswagen shifts into reverse and starts driving backwards towards us; they are going slowly, thankfully, but their back passenger corner hits our front driver corner. We eventually decide the damage is minimal — on a car that runs fine, but the body has a few dings already — and we’re not going to make them fix anything, but not before this conversation happens:)

Volkswagen: “Where did you come from?”

Me: “We’ve been stopped behind you since before you started backing up.”

Volkswagen: “Well, why are you on this side of the road? You should have been in the other lane.”

Husband: “It’s a one-way.”

Volkswagen: “Where do people drive on that side?” *gesturing again to the right side*

Me: “Literally everywhere except England.”

(I think she thought since we were from out of state she could pull the “that’s how we do it here,” but I’m still floored that I was asked why we were driving on the right side of the road.)

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Stuck In A Babbling Cycle

, , , , , | Legal | September 25, 2018

(I have just driven through a yellow light; hand in the air, I pushed it a little bit. Turns out there is a cop checkpoint around the corner, and I am rightfully pulled to the side. I apologise to the officer and give him my license. This is the first time I have ever had any encounter with the law at all, so I am a little nervous, anyway. The cop also seems to be taking a very long time to run my details, which is only increasing my anxiety. Finally, he returns.)

Cop: “So… you have been flagged in our system for questioning over the theft of a bike.”

Me: *blinking* “What… A bike?”

Cop: “Yes. Do you have anything you would like to admit to me at this point?”

Me: *starting to freak out a little* “Yes! I mean, no! No, I have nothing to admit. But how did I steal a bike? I don’t have a motorcycle license, sir! I mean, I keep asking my dad if I can learn, because he has one and it looks fun, but then my mother keeps yelling at me every time I bring it up because my dad fell off one at my age. I think that freaks her out and she thinks I’m going to do the same. She works with doctors, so she gets all the horror stories. She promised I could for my 18th birthday, but then she claimed she didn’t remember it when my 18th birthday came…” *continues babbling for ages out of anxiety*

Cop: “No. It was a stolen mountain bike.”

(The cop got another officer to come meet with me at a later date to confirm my story. Turns out, an old classmate of mine used my name to resell an expensive stolen mountain bike at a local pawn shop. The cop was pretty convinced it hadn’t been me when they explained it was a Polynesian girl with black hair and dark skin, which was quite different than my light brown hair and pasty English complexion. I got a warning for running the yellow light. I have had no further run-ins with the law.)

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IRS = Irate Rambling Scammers

, , , , | Legal | September 24, 2018

(I get a voicemail stating the IRS needs to speak to me about a matter of unpaid taxes. I see the number and decide to call it back for some fun. I’m a federal law enforcement officer for the Department of Justice.)

Me: “Hello, I just got a voicemail that the IRS needs to speak to me about an important matter?”

Caller: “Yes, can I have your full name and date of birth, please?”

Me: “Sure.” *provides it*

Caller: “Okay, I have your info here and I must let you know I am a federal agent for the US government; my name is Agent Brown. You filed your taxes wrong, and there is now a lawsuit against you in the sum of 5,000 USD. You have to pay it back, and if you do not, then in the next 45 minutes all your bank accounts will be frozen, a warrant for your arrest will be issued, and officers will be at your home to arrest you. All in the next 45 minutes.”

Me: “Wow, really? Five thousand USD and a warrant will be issued for my arrest? On what charges will the warrant be issued? I would like to know what I am being charged with.”

Caller: “Sir, it is a lawsuit that you have to pay; that is what the warrant will be issued as.”

Me: “Well, to have a warrant, you have to have a court hearing, file the charges in the court, have the judge sign off on the warrant, and then execute the warrant. So, again, what am I being charged with?”

Caller: “If you do not pay, your bank account will be frozen and you will be arrested.”

Me: “Okay, lady, let me introduce myself to you. My name is [My Name]. I am a federal law enforcement officer for the Department of Justice, so if you’re going to be impersonating a Federal Agent and what not, you might want to stop now before I report this number. I also know this is a scam.”

Caller: “You’re a federal law enforcement officer? If so, what is your ID number?”

Me: “My badge number?”

Caller: “Your ID number.”

Me: “My badge number is [badge number].”

Caller: “What is your work extension for your phone?”

Me: “Lady, I’m not giving you my work number. You have called my cell phone so, look, this is a scam. Stop calling me.”

Caller: “You are a liar. I know you’re lying because you will not give me your extension number for your work. You need to pay this money or get arrested.”

Me: “Okay, lady, then come arrest me. I will be in uniform since I am heading to work. Also, I am taking this number with me and doing a back trace on it to find out where you’re from.”

(Then I hung up. Guess what? I was never arrested. I bought my lunch about a hour later, and guess what? My account was not frozen.)

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Doesn’t Exempt You From Being An A**hole

, , , | Legal | September 23, 2018

(I work in a hotel. In any business, tax exemption in the US is a huge pain in the ass. The rules are Fizzbin-esque, and when someone turns out to not be exempt for whatever reason, they always pitch a fit, even though it’s the freaking LAW. This guest is another matter, though. While I’m working the front desk, a guest comes up to hand me a piece of paper.)

Guest: “I need you to deliver this to the general manager, and you need to sign this copy for me stating that you received it.”

Me: *immediately wary* “I’m sorry, what is this regarding?”

Guest: “Just read it. And sign my copy. What you’re doing is illegal!”

(I do read the letter. It is apparently a notice threatening legal action if the guest does not receive his taxes back from us, as well as some more colorful demands regarding penalties levied when a tax-exempt entity is denied their exemption status. Note that he was charged taxes due to refusing to produce an ID when presenting his disabled veteran card. While there isn’t TECHNICALLY a law stating that you have to show an ID, most people would appreciate that we are trying to prevent someone from mooching off of their benefits by using a stolen benefit card. After some conferencing between the Manager On Duty and me, and a call to the GM, we decide to acquiesce and sign his copy, adding a note that the signature ONLY acknowledges our receipt of the letter and not any promise of action.)

Guest: “Fine! Add your note! I don’t care. I’m a lawyer, and I know my rights!”

(He takes his letter and leaves, and I just shake my head. The MOD gets a chance to read the letter in full.)

MOD: “Oh, my God! He wants [Front Desk Worker] and [Supervisor] charged $500 each for refusing his card! That’s more than they make in a week!”

Me: “I know. I feel bad for his clients if he really is a lawyer.”

MOD: “Why?”

Me: “Well, according to the passage he helpfully quoted in this letter, any institution denying tax exempt status will be fined $500 per infraction. So, he could plausibly have the hotel fined…. but [Front Desk Worker] and [Supervisor] are just employees. They can’t be personally fined. What an a**hole.”

(By the way, the amount he wanted two workers to lose more than a week’s pay over? Less than $6.)

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