I would like to share with you the story of the absolute dumbest would-be thief I have ever met.

I work in one of those booths in the middle of a mall. I was approached by a person who was definitely a few fries short of a combo meal, as you will soon read. He poked around, chose two items, put them on the counter, and asked about discounts.

Me: “I’m not the owner, but I can do some negotiation.”

Man: “Well, if you’re not the owner, can you look the other way so I can pocket these?”

It was everything I could do to not open a can of whoop-a** on him right then and there. The pure, unmitigated gall! 

I wanted to say, “Are you stupid?!”

I actually said:

Me: “Sure, but you have to leave your ID and I have to call the cops.” 

He left very quickly after that. I have no idea if this was a dumb TikTok trend at the time or what, but I have never had someone (before or since) blatantly ask me to look the other way so they could steal.

My roommates and I have thrown a couple of pretty big parties over the course of our college junior year. For some reason, the weekend before finals, my roommates really want to do another party.

Me: “With finals coming up next week, people aren’t going to be doing much partying. It’s finals — time to study. You guys know the drill. People will be wanting to party the next weekend once finals are over.”

They don’t care. They want to set up a party.

I don’t really want to do the party, but they’re more than welcome to put their money into it if they want to. No way am I contributing money toward any beer or alcohol. The only thing I do help with is driving them to the local liquor store that’s about three-quarters of a mile away and using my pickup truck to haul back three kegs of beer.

My two roommates spread the word about the party this coming Friday, and they talk another friend into coming over and doing the DJ stuff.

Everything is set up and ready early Friday afternoon. The evening starts and night is creeping in, and there are barely twenty people at any given time for the party. By about midnight, the first keg is empty and the second one is tapped. Usually, by 8:00 or 9:00 pm, we’re tapping the second keg, and midnight is the third keg.

A few people trickle in and out, and it’s boring. I tell my roommates this was a stupid time to do a party, and they just kind of grunt in agreement.

The kegs are kept in the basement. On the stairs leading down to the basement, you go down five steps, and on the landing is a side door leading outside. This door stays locked all the time; we never use it in the eighteen months we live at the place. Then, you turn to continue down the steps.

There are maybe a dozen people or so in the house, and it’s around 12:30 in the morning. My roommates are talking about calling it a night since the party is a bust. Right around that time, in walks a couple of guys and their girlfriends. They all pay the standard $5 for a solo cup and head downstairs.

About ten minutes later, someone we know that’s still at the party comes up to my roommates and me as we’re standing in the living room area on the main floor.

Friend: “You guys know those two couples that just came in?”

Roommate #1: “No, they were just looking for a party. Why?”

Friend: “They took the full keg out the side door.”

Roommate #2: “What?!”

The two guys and girls that just came into the party ten or fifteen minutes before were stealing the third untapped keg by using the side door on the basement stairs landing.

[Roommate #1] was the first one down the stairs and out the side door, and I was right on his heels. [Roommate #2] was slowly bringing up the rear. [Roommate #1] and I rounded the corner of the house and, sure enough, the two guys were at the street with the keg, about 100 feet away from us across the front lawn. They were about twenty feet short of their goal of putting the keg in the back of their car and driving off.

I’m faster than my roommates when running, by a long shot, and I passed my roommate easily. I was about two seconds away from reaching the guys with the keg when a beer bottle went zipping past my head and shattered against their car. My roommate knew he wasn’t fast enough to help me stop the guys, so he threw his beer bottle at them, almost hitting me in the process. The bottle missed me by about a foot and just barely missed one of the thieves. The sound and sight of the bottle shattering against their car caused them to drop the keg and try to make it to their car to get away.

I grabbed the first thief closest to me and threw him down to the ground, and I turned and grabbed the second thief before he could dive into the car and slammed him up against the car. By this time, my two roommates had caught up, and they picked the first guy I threw down and pinned him up against the car. Now the thieves’ girlfriends exited the car, and they were crying and pleading with us to not hurt their boyfriends.

I shoved the guy I had my hands on and told him to get the f*** out of there before I changed my mind. I told my roommates to let the other guy go. They protested a bit, but I told them we’d gotten the keg back and it was not worth having to deal with the cops if they got involved after we kicked the crap out of these two guys. They finally agreed and let the second guy go.

The thieves climbed into the car quickly and speed off. My roommates collected the keg and returned it to the basement.

After this incident, my roommates never wanted to hold another party at our place. I was okay with that decision.

Our state did reappraisal back in the late 1980s. My client, a farmer, wanted me to help him protest his value on one of his farms in an adjoining county. I filled out his protest form and sent him to the county treasurer’s office to file it. He came back to my office, telling me that she wouldn’t accept it because he wasn’t going to pay the first half of his taxes until the next week.

I called her up and asked why she refused to record the protest form. She told me he had to pay at least the first half of taxes at the same time.

Me: “I will tell you that our state statutes do not say that both have to be done simultaneously. The statute says that you must file a protest by the due date of the first half tax payment due date and you must pay at least the first half by the due date. Not simultaneously.”

County Treasurer: “Well, if you know that, why are you telling me?”

Me: “Because obviously, you don’t. Now, I am going to send him back to your office, and you will accept the protest.”

My client was sitting there listening to the conversation.

Me: “You can go and file that protest form now.”

Client: “I think I’m going to wait a couple of days for her to cool off.”

Know the laws that pertain to your elected office!

One summer evening, I was craving a burrito for supper, so I got in my car to head to the local burrito place. As I drove past my next-door neighbor’s house, a car began to pull out… and didn’t stop. By the time I realized they weren’t stopping, I was in front of their driveway, so I slammed my brakes and hit my horn, but sure enough, the car backed right into me. 

The other driver pulled forward and parked on the side of the road. Then, she got out and came over to my car. 

Driver: “Here, let me give you my insurance information.”

Me: “Yeah, that’d be good.”

Driver: “Hmm, it’s not on my phone. It must be in my glovebox.”

Then, she walked back to her car, got in, and sped off without another word. Luckily, I had enough time to write down her license plate. The damage was minor: only a dented body panel, but it made it impossible to open the passenger door. 

I called the police and told them what happened. They said an officer would call me back in half an hour. “Great,” I thought. “I’ll go get my burrito after the officer calls.” I went back inside and told my roommate what had happened. 

Forty-five minutes later, I was getting hungry and impatient, as the officer still hadn’t called me. I decided I could answer the phone just as well in my car or at the burrito restaurant. I got in my now dented car and drove to the burrito restaurant.

When I got there, the workers told me they were out of rice. I’d have to wait fifteen minutes for more. I hesitated but decided to wait since I really wanted this burrito and I didn’t want to settle for less. 

Approximately fourteen minutes later, my phone rang. It was not the police; it was my roommate, telling me the police had arrived at my house, apparently skipping the part where they were supposed to call me. With a mournful look back at the burrito counter, I left the restaurant and quickly drove home. 

By the time I got there, the police had already left. I think they just talked to my neighbor and then left. By this time, it was about 9:00 and I was starving. The burrito place was closing and I was too tired to go out again anyway, so I settled for a grilled cheese sandwich, having missed both the police and my burrito, despite waiting for several hours. 

Eventually, I learned that the other driver didn’t even live at my neighbor’s house, and her insurance paid for all of the repairs. I also got my burrito the next day, and it was all the more delicious after having been delayed for so long.

I answer sort of the “official” phone of the company after the CEO. I don’t know if that matters. I only know I have been getting a lot of scam calls lately, but being “official”, I can’t refuse to answer unknown numbers. And I am fed up with them.

Scammer: “Hi. I am calling you from Microsoft Support. There is VIRUS on your computer.”

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling.”

Scammer: “You have virus on your computer, and I will tell you how to remove them. First, you need to—”

Me: “You do know that you have called an adult phone line? We charge $5.99 per minute. I am totally fine with talking to you, but I just need to make sure you understand the cost of this.”

Scammer: “What? I will not pay $5.99 per minute.”

Me: “You are still on the phone with me, and the meter is running.”

Scammer: *Panicky* “You cannot charge me $5.99 per minute!”

Me: “I am not charging you. Your phone company is adding it to the bill. You accepted this when you didn’t hang up after the initial message before you were connected to me. All our prices were explained there.”

Scammer: “I will not pay.” *Hangs up*

Five minutes later, the phone rings again.

Me: “Hello, [My Name] speaking.”

Scammer: “There was no message before I was connected to you. If you are charging $5.99 per minute now, you are scamming me!”

Me: “After I told you I was charging $5.99 and that this was a phone service for adults, you still called me back, and now you’re telling me that despite the fact that you now know we charge $5.99 per minute, you want to talk to me about not paying $5.99 per minute… for $5.99 per minute? So far, you have spent $33 on this. As I told you before, I can keep talking to you about the bill, or we can switch to something more like what my other customers want to talk about. What are you wearing now?”

Scammer: *Click*

I am male, and I work in the finance department of a software company.

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