I answer my phone.

Scammer: “I’m calling from tech support. Your computer has a virus.”

Oh, good lord. One of these.

Me: “Which one?”

Scammer: “Your computer, ma’am.”

Me: “I have more than one. Specify.”

Scammer: “The one that you are using, ma’am.”

I decide to have a little fun.

Me: “I am not using any computer right now. I’m in the kitchen making Roadkill cookies.”

The scammer ignores that.

Scammer: “Please go to your computer so that we can remove the virus, ma’am.”

Me: “Certainly, as soon as you tell me which computer you mean.”

Scammer: “Your computer, ma’am. You have a very dangerous virus and we need to act quickly.”

I tap a timer so that it makes an audible beep.

Me: “Sorry, you’re going to have to wait. My skunk-chunk-late chip cookies are ready.”

I put the phone down, ignoring the scammer’s protests, and rattle around a bit so it sounds like I’m working with cookie trays before picking up again.

Me: “Okay. Now you say my computer has a virus?”

Scammer: *Frustrated* “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, well, you still haven’t told me which computer has the virus.”

Scammer: “Your newest one, ma’am.”

Me: “Neither of my computers is new.”

Scammer: “Both of them!”

I’m very amused, but now I need to start household chores, so I decide to drop it.

Me: “Well now, it sounds like your story has changed. First, you tell me one of my computers has a virus, now you’re telling me both of them do, and you still haven’t told me which one had it to begin with. I think maybe you need a new career, like roadkill cookie baking.”

I then hung up. I haven’t had a call for months.

My wife’s daughter was moving out of her apartment as the lease was up. She did the walk-through with management and came out clean, but she was told that all that would be returned to her was her security deposit. She was told the pet deposit was not refundable when she inquired about it.

I was very good friends with an attorney in town — fishing friends if you get my drift. [Stepdaughter] told me about the pet deposit, and I brought it up to [Friend] while we were fishing. [Friend] explained our state law concerning pet deposits: that they shall be considered as a security deposit and are, by law, refundable. I passed this on to [Stepdaughter].

She asked me to go with her to demand the pet deposit from the manager. I copied the state statute and presented it to the manager a few days later. [Manager] refused to refund it.

Me: “We will see you in small claims court!”

And I slammed her office door. [Stepdaughter] did not realize how forceful I could be.

I went with [Stepdaughter] to court. She was placed on the witness stand by the judge and questioned as to whether she tried to work the issue out first.

Next up to the witness stand was [Manager]. [Manager] tried to defend her company position such that the former management company didn’t turn over the pet deposits to her company when they took over.

Judge: “That is not this young lady’s problem. Her stepfather is correct in the law, and you will return the pet deposit. And because you passed the deadline to return that deposit, you will pay her the pet deposit and one and a half damages plus interest.”

As we left court, I couldn’t resist passing the manager in the hall with this comment.

Me: “I gave you the chance, and now it’s only costing you more.”

[Stepdaughter] started contacting other former tenants about the law, and management was overrun with small claims court, we discovered.

It’s very handy to fish with an attorney.

I work in a college bar right off campus. Our day shifts are a mix of college kids and professors grabbing food on their lunch breaks and one specific vagabond “townie” most everyone in our little city recognizes. He usually comes in, takes his time with a $2 beer, and plays pool, darts, or some of the other games we have. One game he always dumps a few dollars into is a “Keymaster” game, which works a lot like a claw game in an arcade but has more “grown-up” prizes like Amazon gift cards, iPads, or cash. 

One, he comes up to me at the bar.

Townie: “I think that Keymaster game is rigged. I never win on that thing.”

Me: “Well, my guess is that it kind of is. It’s not going to give out the prizes until it’s made a certain amount of money. We don’t own the machine; I’m just guessing that’s how those things turn a profit.”

Townie: *A little annoyed* “If you’re telling me that game is rigged, I’m telling you I’m gonna come in here one day with a brick, bust it open, and take my prizes!”

I laugh it off. Again, he is a little rough around the edges, but he’s always around and never problematic. I joke about it with our owner and a few coworkers that day. 

Cut to a week later. It’s my day off, and I’m just hanging at home when I get a call from the owner. That’s never a good sign. Is he calling me in on my day off? Did I mess something up while closing last night? I pick up the phone, fully prepared to be told bad news, and the owner is cracking up laughing.

Owner: “He did it!” *Laughs* “He actually f****** did it!” *Laughs some more*

Me: “Who did what?!”

Owner: *In between more laughs* “[Townie] actually threw a brick through the Keymaster machine! Cops are coming up here. Would you mind swinging in and telling them what he told you last week?”

Me: “Holy s***! Yeah, no problem! I’ll be right in!”

Needless to say, [Townie] was caught. Maybe the biggest crime was the fact that he broke the glass, grabbed the small amount that he could, and left behind several hundred dollars’ worth of other prizes including cash, an iPad, and a $250 Delta gift card. I watched the surveillance video with the police and the owner, and it was well worth being called in for that on a day off!

Moral of the story: don’t confess to a crime in advance!

I made the mistake of picking up the phone for an unknown number because a family member recently got a new phone. It turned out to be a scam call. What proceeded was a bombardment of calls now that they knew my number was active, and it just kept going with seemingly no end in sight. 

I tried playing nice, then I tried playing mean, and then, finally, after one call too many where the person on the other end decided to get aggressive toward me, I decided to change tactics. 

Me: “Yes, fine, you win. I’ll listen to you. But this isn’t the best number for it. I’ll give you my work office number, and you can make that the preferred number in your system and call between 6:00 am and 8:00 pm.”

Scammer: “Perfect! I’ll start calling once you’re in.”

The number I gave him wasn’t exactly mine; it was my uncle’s work phone at his department. (I texted him beforehand to okay this.) My uncle told me about his interaction with the scammer afterward.

Uncle: *Imitating my voice* “This is Officer [Family Last Name] with [County Police Department]. Glad you took my advice and called my office.”

The scammer replied in a ton of panic described by my uncle as, “He sounded like he’d wet himself.”

Scammer: “OH, F***!” *Click*

Now under the impression they had been harassing a cop who had tricked them into calling a recorded and traceable police department line, all the scam calls suddenly stopped. I bought my uncle a burger the next time we met in person as thanks.

Ah, “Microsoft Tech Support” scams. For those unaware, these scams consist of a scammer calling you claiming to be part of Microsoft. Often enough, they say that “you have a virus on your computer” and offer to remove it by remoting into your computer and uploading all sorts of nastiness.

As any ACTUAL computer technician will tell you, Microsoft will NEVER call you first. However, today is my lucky day: they called me!

Scammer: *In a thick accent* “Hello, this is Microsoft tech support calling. You have a virus on your computer.”

Me: “Oh, deary me, no! You sure?”

Scammer: “Yes, sir. Here is what you need to do: please start your computer.”

Me: “No, wait, hold on. This might take a bit, okay?”

Scammer: “Yes, sir, that is okay.”

Five minutes later…

Me: “All right, done”

Scammer: “Sir? Is your computer on?”

Me: “Hm? Nah. You said there was a virus, so I just formatted my storage. Vwoop, everything erased with a click of a button. Then I reloaded a past image that I had on an isolated medium. Y’know, so it’s guaranteed clean. I just finished installing the Windows up. But hey, thanks for the heads-up that I had a virus. Odd that my anti-virus didn’t pick it up, but ah, well.”

Scammer: “Sir, did the virus delete your computer?”

Me: “Nah, I did. Kind of handy that I have about three different Microsoft certifications, no?”

Scammer: “Why did you do that?”

Me: “Eh, just felt like it. Nice and clean fresh start— Wow, you hung up? How rude…”

And yes, I did completely format my computer. There was nothing on there I couldn’t get back, and it’s nice to have a fresh start!