Me: “Thank you for calling [Furniture Store]. How can I help you?”
Customer: “I’m suing your company!”
Me: “May I ask what the problem is?”
Customer: “My son got into a car accident because he fell asleep at the wheel!”
Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am, but why are you suing [Furniture Store]?”
Customer: “He fell asleep at the wheel because he stayed up all night assembling your furniture!”
Me: “911, what’s your emergency?”
Caller: “If anyone calls about screaming coming from [Road], disregard it. I just had a bug on me.” *click*
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Me: “All right, ma’am, have you had any accidents or violations in the last three years?”
Customer: “I don’t know.”
Me: “Well, do you remember getting pulled over for any reason?”
Customer: “I already told you, I don’t know. Now, how much is the insurance?”
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but before I could know what the rate is, I have to know what your driving history is.”
Customer: “What does it matter? Just throw on a speeding ticket or two and call it a day!”
Me: “Okay. I can do that, but just keep in mind that the quote is only based on the information you provide. If your motor vehicle record comes back different, that could drastically affect the rate.”
Customer: “Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is it?”
Me: “It comes out to $106 a month.”
Customer: “Fine! I’ll take it.”
(I then go to run the reports since she is ready to purchase the policy and find out she has had two DUIs in the past three years, two speeding tickets, one accident, and a suspended license.)
Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the rate is now $486 a month. I would have been able to give you a more accurate quote if I knew about the DUIs.”
Customer: “Oh. Well, I thought you just meant speeding tickets. I didn’t realize that DUIs counted. I mean, I wasn’t even speeding when I got them!”
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(I work for the city and am repairing potholes in a residential neighborhood. Suddenly, a resident comes running out in his bathrobe.)
Resident: “Hey! What the h*** do you guys think you’re doing?!”
Me: “We’re fixing these potholes, sir.”
Resident: “You guys can’t be here! You did not clear this with the homeowner’s association!”
Me: “Sir, I’m with the city and we don’t have to clear these repairs with any association.”
Resident: “Like h*** you don’t!”
Me: “Please step back, sir. I have to continue working and you are too close to the job site.”
(The resident runs back into his house and comes back out with a small bucket of yellow paint. Before we can stop him, he starts painting the dings and scratches on our bulldozer.)
Me: “What are you doing, sir?!”
Resident: “If you don’t have to clear repairs with us, then I guess I don’t have to clear repairs with the city!”
Me: “Sir, that color paint is not the same as the paint job on the equipment. Plus, you are now defacing this equipment. I will call the police if you don’t stop!”
Resident: “F*** off, you f****** lemming!”
Me: “That’s it, I’m calling the police!”
(By the time the police showed up, all his neighbors had come outside to watch the commotion. Things only went downhill from there, as he ended up getting charged with three counts: defacing public property, resisting arrest, and assault on a peace officer.)
Me: “9-1-1. Police, fire, or ambulance?”
Caller: “Police.”
Me: “What’s your emergency?”
Caller: “Is it illegal for a 14-year-old to be drinking Jack Daniels?”
Me: “Yes, it is.”
Caller: “Oh, okay. And, one more question. Is it illegal for a 14-year-old to be smoking marijuana?”
Me: “Yes, it is, ma’am.”
Caller: “Oh, okay. My son told me it wasn’t. I’d like you to arrest my son, please. He’s been doing this for a couple of years now!”
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