(We’ve taken on quite a bit of seasonal backroom help for the holidays. I’m the store manager, and security calls me one day to let me know they’ve caught one of the temporary employees removing a huge amount of merchandise through the back and loading it into their personal vehicle. They’ve taken the employee to the security room and have called the police, who should be arriving shortly. I arrive to find the employee completely at ease, laughing, as though they aren’t in trouble.)

Employee: “Hey, boss! Can you believe this fuss?”

Me: “I have your termination papers here. We prefer to handle this prior to police.”

Employee: “Whoa, termination? What?”

Me: “You stole from the store; you’re being fired.”

Employee: “Whoa, hey…”

(I ignore the employee, turning to the police officers who have arrived and getting the lengthy list of items the employee stole that security has typed up. The officer’s eyebrows shoot up.)

Officer: “Okay, this is definitely a felony charge here.”

Employee: *eavesdropping* “Whoa, wait, what? Felony. This is impossible.”

Officer: “We’ll need to get some more info from…”

Employee: “Hey! I can’t be fired! I can’t be arrested! It’s impossible to steal from your job.”

Me: “Uh, no.”

Employee: “No, it’s… See, I just sell it somewhere else. It’s the same as the store! I wouldn’t have taken stuff if I knew I’d be arrested and fired.”

Officer: *sighing* “Let’s read you your rights there, Einstein.”

(My husband works for a volunteer organization that builds homes for people in need. They have a lot of problems with a neighbor who doesn’t want any of their trucks parked — legally — on the public street in front of his house. Despite the fact that he has a long driveway and a garage, he has somehow found a way to put up “No Parking” signs on his side of the street AND the opposite side of the street.)

Volunteer: “Wow, that was a long walk! I had to park all the way down the block and walk here.”

Husband: “Yeah… The neighbor across the street put up these ‘No Parking’ signs, so we are trying to work around it, even though we have to lug all of this construction equipment down the street.”

Volunteer: “Seriously?”

(She inspects a sign and makes a quick phone call.)

Volunteer: “These are not regulation signs.”

Husband: “What?”

Volunteer: “I work for the county office. The city has to put those up, and there is no record of a ‘No Parking’ sign on this street.”

(She then proceeds to call the non-emergency police phone number, and by lunch, an officer comes by to write the neighbor a ticket and to take the signs down.)

Neighbor: “I don’t want to look at those f****** trucks all day! You can’t make me take my signs down!”

Officer: “Sir, you can either take the signs down, or I can take them down and take you to the station.”

(Eventually, the neighbor took the signs down, glaring at the volunteers the whole time. I feel sorry for the family that will eventually have to put up with this guy!)

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(When we sell cigarettes we always check that the person buying them is 18 or over. My colleague and I are behind the counter chatting when a girl comes in, who is on the phone to her friend.)

Customer: “Yeah, I’m just in the shop about to buy some cigarettes; do you want any?” *after what I assume was a yes to cigarettes* “What ones do you want? Okay, I know the ones you mean.”

(She comes up to the counter and, as my colleague and I have just heard, she wants to purchase some cigarettes.)

Customer: *whilst her friend is still on the line waiting for her to be done* “Hi, can I get some [Brand] cigarettes please?”

Me: “Sure, are they for yourself? Or are they for your friend?”

Customer: “They’re for me.”

(Despite the fact she’s asked for the exact brand her friend requested.)

Me: “Okay, we have to check the ID for anyone who looks underage and is purchasing cigarettes. It sounded to me and my colleague that you are buying these for your friend, and if that’s the case, we would need to see his ID.”

Customer: “They are for me! I have ID.”

Colleague: “They obviously aren’t, as you walked in the shop talking loudly on your phone and your friend requesting that specific brand of cigarettes.”

Me: “I’m afraid that I can’t let you buy the cigarettes, as it’s obvious that they aren’t for you as your phone conversation proved, and we would be breaking the law if we didn’t check the ID of the person who was actually having the cigarettes, regardless of whether he’s old enough.”

(The girl looked annoyed and didn’t seem to understand what I’d just explained. Her friend was saying how ridiculous it was that we can’t serve her over the phone. She didn’t understand that walking into a shop to buy cigarettes and loudly saying on her phone she’s going to buy someone else cigarettes is completely idiotic! Evidently she left as we wouldn’t serve her and we laughed at how stupid it was to think we wouldn’t overhear her conversation.)

(One winter’s day, my mom is driving with my brothers and me, all under the age of ten, in the backseat. She’s in the right lane, and there is a large snowbank on the shoulder. The car next to her suddenly changes lanes without looking, pushing our car up onto the snowbank. Once the driver realizes what happened, he switches back to his lane, and our car slides back onto the road. No one is hurt, and the damage to both cars is minimal. The police give the other driver a ticket and send us on our way. My mom thinks that will be the end of it. She’s wrong. A few weeks later, she’s summoned to court. The other driver is fighting the ticket, as he’ll lose both his license and his job if he gets more points on his license. Not having a choice, my mom goes to court, where the ticket is upheld. The other driver keeps appealing it, though, forcing my mom to come to court again and again. As a working parent, she doesn’t have time for this. Finally, the court comes up with a deal that everyone can agree to: the driver will have to pay the ticket, but won’t get points on his license. As part of the deal, he also has to pay whatever expenses my mom has incurred because of this.)

Judge: “How much reimbursement are you requesting, [Mom]?”

Mom: “[Amount].”

(It’s a number in the hundreds, and is exact down to the penny.)

Judge: *surprised* “[Amount]?”

Mom: *nods* “[Amount].”

Judge: “May I ask how you calculated this?”

(My mom produces a handwritten bill for lost work, gas, babysitting, and pizza delivery on days that court went late.)

Judge: “No emotional distress? Weren’t there children in the car?”

Mom: “Yes, but they all thought it was the most exciting thing to happen that month. None of us were hurt.”

Judge: “All right, then. [Other Driver], you are to pay [amount].”

(I’ve worked in hotels for over two decades now and this is my favorite response to give out, to those guests who for whatever reason get to the point when they blurt out a line to the effect of:)

Irate Guest: “…this is unacceptable! I have a high-price lawyer, you know! And I will sue you, your boss, and your hotel!”

Me: *killing them with kindness* “Please do, sir! [Hotel Chain] has three entire floors of a high rise building in Washington, filled with lawyers who have very little to do but wait for a case to fall on their desk. I’m sure yours will start a real feeding frenzy amongst those piranhas!”