(This takes place in the drive-thru.)

Me: “Your total is $5.45.”

Customer: “Last time I was here you got my order wrong! I swear to God if you got it wrong this time…”

Me: *confirms order, just to avoid hearing her complain* “All right, so, that’s $5.45.”

(The customer pays for her order, grabs her drink, and takes one sip and immediately starts screaming. She reels back to throw her drink at me, but I quickly close the drive-thru window, and the drink bounces off of it and lands on her. She drives off screaming before coming inside, covered in her drink.)

Customer: *to my manager* “THAT LITTLE B**** THREW MY DRINK AT ME!”

Manager: “That really doesn’t sound like something she’d do, but I’ll go ahead and check the security cameras.” *after checking the footage* “All right, ma’am, I have video evidence of you trying to assault one of my employees. If you leave now we won’t call the police.”

(The customer screamed incoherently and ran away. We called the police anyway and gave them the footage and her license plate number.)

I was working in a computer shop, when after a busy morning, we discovered one of our display machines missing. Tracing through the morning’s sales we narrowed down the culprits to two men who’d come in together – one had occupied the salesperson with questions, while the other searched the store for something valuable and portable, before carrying it off.

They were very smooth, but they made two main mistakes. The first: our store dealt in used equipment, so they thought the perfect way to case the joint would be to come in a day early with an old motherboard. We still had this in our back room -– along with a detailed form containing the name, address, phone number, and other identifying information about one of them. City regulations treated this aspect of our business as if we were a pawn shop; he’d had to show picture ID to get us to look at the potential sale.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, his partner had been screwing around with the display computers while they were in the store, and managed to take several pictures of himself with the webcam on it, saving them to the desktop.

When the police arrived that afternoon we were able to give them everything they needed, gift-wrapped.

Later on, we found that the culprits denied ever having been in our store… Then, when confronted with proof, they tried to claim individual innocence, blaming each other for the crime.

I don’t think we ever got our stolen property back, but the police were apparently able to charge them based on the provable falsehoods of their stories.

(I work in a benefits office. There are two customers behind the one I am helping.)

Customer #2: *to Customer #3* “Did I tell you I got a new job?”

Customer #3: “Aren’t you here for unemployment benefits?”

Customer #2: “Yeah!”

([Customer #1] looks at me in horror as [Customer #2] continues to boast about his job. I smile at her.)

Me: “Don’t worry; it will be taken care of. Next?”

Customer #2: “I want my unemployment benefits.”

Me: “No, sir. I just heard you talking quite loudly about your new job, as did a room full of witnesses. We also have security cameras. Are you going to leave or am I going to call the police?”

Customer #2: “Listen here, you little b****. You’re just a useless woman who doesn’t understand business. Give me my benefits or I’ll smash your head in.”

(He is clearly drunk. My manager steps in at this stage, a bulk of muscle.)

Manager: “I’m very sorry, sir. If you’d like to step into this side room for me? We can sort out your benefits. Do you have your forms?”

(He winks at me as they leave. I continue to help customers until two police officers step through the door. They head into the staff room to review security footage and then enter the side room, leaving with the man in handcuffs, who is screaming.)

Policeman #1: “…benefit fraud, aggravated assault, and disturbing the peace.”

(The man sees me and the manager, who comes to stand beside me.)

Manager: “You are no longer welcome on these premises. Next time you assault my fiancée or any of my staff you’ll be in hospital before the police get here.”

Me: “By the way, I’m a newly-graduated business major working here before I start my new job. Have fun in custody!”

(We heard later that he was to face a judge soon, and never heard anything else, but we never saw him again. I started my new job a month later, and am a lot happier. My fiancé and I are married now, and he told the story at our wedding!)

Happy Birthday to the United States of America!  Today we celebrate… with barbeques and picnics and parties and, of course, lots and lots of fireworks.

Here are some of our favorite stories about the Fourth of July.  Enjoy!  And if you’d like to share your own tale of the Fourth, leave us a comment or submit it here!

Happy Treason Day! — But will they be serving tea?

Viva La Revelation — There’s no independence from annoying customers…

Independent Of The Closing Times — …or the entitled customers…

Independent Of This Holiday — …or the geographically confused customer.

Independent Of Your Day — Some Americans still forget that Canada is not the US.

The Fourth Is Not Strong With This One — Some British still forget that the US is not part of Great Britain.

Murica! The Lullaby — Well, is there one?

Not The Brightest Spark In The Firework Display — Same holiday, different day?

Were You Born On The Third Of July? — Same holiday, different month?

Those Silly Colonies And Their Quaint Rebellion — Same holiday, different holiday?

Leap Days Of Logic — Different country, different calendar?

An Argument For The Separation Of Church And State — And sometimes folks forget that we still have ties to where our country came from!

(We just got back to my grandfather’s house from burying my grandmother. The phone rings and I answer. A man is on the other end, and in my emotional exhaustion I don’t understand, so I ask him to repeat. He is calling to notify us that we won several thousand dollars. Since it’s not my house, I ask for the exact winner, even though I suspect a scam.)

Caller: “Oh, [Grandmother] won.”

(Now I know it’s a scam, and even though I’m annoyed I try to stay polite.)

Me: “Sir, this is not funny. We just finished burying her; she died a week ago. Please don’t call again.”

Caller: “What do you mean?”

Me: “She is dead. I find this rude and disrespectful.”

Caller: “Are you her daughter?”

Me: “No, her granddaughter, and please do not call here again.”

Caller “Would you like her winnings? I just need your name.”

(Now I’m getting mad.)

Me: “Oh, really? How did she win?”

Caller: “By paying her bills on time and shopping at her favourite shops—”

(I start laughing.)

Caller: “What is so funny?”

Me: “She has been in a home for five years with dementia and hasn’t known who I am for over three years. How the h*** did she go shopping?!”

(The man hangs up on me. Thinking that is the end I try not to alert my grandfather and the rest of the family so they don’t get upset. About ten minutes later the phone rings again and I grab the phone. Sadly my grandfather hears it ring this time and also comes over.)

Caller: “Do you know who this is?”

Me: “The man I spoke to about ten minutes ago.”

Caller: “Are you ready to accept your money now?”

Grandfather: “Who is it?”

Me: “Sir, as I told you this is rude and disrespectful. This is a scam; please leave us alone.”

Grandfather: “Who is it?”

Caller: “Would the man I hear be interested?”

(Now I don’t care.)

Me: “Hold on. I’ll ask.”

(I do not cover the mouthpiece so he can hear:)

Me: “The man on the line says Grandma won several thousand dollars; I told him of her death and is now offering the money to anyone who wants it.”

Grandfather: *grabs the phone* “How dare you?! She is dead! This is a scam! Never call back again!”

(His voice was shaking with anger as he slammed the phone down. I honestly would not have been angry if, when I told him of her death, he said sorry and left it at that, but him trying to continue the scam has caused me to lose faith in humanity.)