Me: “This is [Police Department]. What is your emergency?”

Caller: “My power’s out.”

Me: “Do you believe someone is outside, and they cut your power?”

Caller: “No, the whole power is out in the area.”

Me: “Okay. Then you need to call the electric company.”

Caller: “But they aren’t open this late.”

Me: “There should be twenty-four hour number for the electric company to call in case of an emergency, ma’am.”

Caller: “I don’t know what it is. Why can’t you help me?”

Me: “Because this isn’t a police issue.”

Caller: “But all the power is out. My food will go bad! This is ridiculous!”

Me: “It’s still not a police issue.”

Caller: “What’s the number for the electric company, then?”

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t know.”

Caller: “You’re no help!” *click*

(The police have their own twenty-four hour number to call the electric company, but I wasn’t about to give it out. Sadly, too many people believe calling police will actually get their power turned back on.)

(I find a child’s bicycle abandoned on a street. I bring it home for safekeeping, and report it as “found property” on the police non-emergency line. There is a queue of ten minutes, and the call is taken by a civilian. The Police Service of Northern Ireland is a target for terrorist attacks, so there are — rightly — numerous procedures to handle the risk.)

Police #1: “Thank you for calling the Police Service of Northern Ireland. What is your full name, please?”

Me: *gives name* “Hi, I found a child’s bicycle abandoned in [Street, Town]. I brought it back to my house for safekeeping. I’m reporting it as found property.”

Police #1: “What’s your address?”

Me: *gives address*

Police #1: “And a description of the bike?”

Me: “Black frame, BMX style, for a child aged seven or eight.”

Police #1: “Will you hand it into a police station, or can we give your contact details if the owner turns up?”

Me: *not comfortable giving details to someone I don’t know* “I’ll take it to a police station.”

Police #1: “Which station, and when?”

(I’m sensing this will get difficult. I’m doing a good deed, but I have a busy, chaotic schedule.)

Me: “Erm, when do the police stations open in the East Belfast area?”

Police #1: “They open at 11 am.”

Me: “ELEVEN?”

(This seems very late, even though many have reduced hours over the years. This means I can only return it after I finish work, which just delays it even more. I change my mind.)

Police #1: “Yes, 11 am.”

Me: “Forget it. Just give my details to the owner if they turn up.”

Police #1: “Okay, thanks for calling.” *ends call*

(I realise I’m missing some information. I don’t know what details he has given, or what the process is when found. I haven’t been given a Crime Number, but I am now responsible for a some random kid’s bike. I phone up again.)

Me: *explains situation* “Basically, your colleague was rude and didn’t explain how it works. Can you help?”

Police #2: “Yes. If — and that’s if — the rightful owner turns up, we then give them your phone number, and they phone you.”

Me: “Tell me please: what phone number did he use?”

Police #2: *number I’m calling from*

Me: “He never asked me for my number; that’s just the number I called from. Is that how you guys do things? Just use the caller ID number? What if I was calling from my mate’s phone?”

Police #2: “Yes, he should have asked. Should I change the number?”

Me: “No… What’s the Crime Number? I’m also not comfortable with my phone number being given out like that. Can’t I just hand it into a police station?”

Police #2: “The Crime Number is [number], which he should also have given. Unfortunately, you would need to tell us which station in advance.”

(I’ve had enough. [Police #1] was terse and rude and didn’t do his job. Now, I’m being made to jump through hoops for my generosity. No good deed goes unpunished.)

Me: “Tell you what. If you want it, come and get it. Send a police officer round to my house. It’s easier to take it to the dump than a police station.”

Police #2: “I can send an officer round if you like.”

(Three hours later, I get a call from an unknown number — another security measure.)

Officer: “Hi, is this Mr. [My Name]? I’m [Officer] from [Town twenty minutes away]. I hear you found a kid’s BMX bike you would like to hand in?”

Me: “That’s me, constable. My address is [address]. Look for the smart car outside my house; bring a magnifying glass.”

Officer: *laughs* “Okay, see you in twenty minutes.”

(Out of respect, I ALWAYS address police officers here by rank, and make them laugh. He has an extremely dangerous job, and checks below his car for a bomb every morning. Twenty minutes later, the doorbell rings. I can see straightaway how many resources it has taken to recover this kid’s bike: two police officers, both in bulletproof vests, armed with Glock 19 handguns. One is at my door, and one is in the police car eyeballing me. This is the absolute minimum deployment. Anywhere else in the UK or Ireland, police would rarely be armed at all. I could have expected an office assistant. Not here, though. In Northern Ireland, police officers are always armed, and never alone, even for the most trivial of tasks.)

Me: “Evening, constable. This is the bike. It’s in a bad state of repair; the brake cable is hanging on by a thread. Keep that in mind before you play any pranks on your sergeant [superior officer].”

Officer: “Thanks. I’ll get this into the car.”

Me: “Also, I apologise for dragging you out here. This bike has no monetary value, and you have far more important things to be doing. Your colleague on the phone wasn’t much use.”

Officer: “Civilian, eh?”

Me: “Yup. For future reference, what’s the easiest way to get rid of something I find? This could be a kid’s pride and joy… or a refugee’s only means of transport. Does the nick need to know in advance I’m coming?”

Officer: “Nope. Just drop it in. Some stations are open late. If it suits you, they’ll work with it.”

Me: “Great, I’ll take note. Hey, you should race your buddy back to the barracks in that. Have you your hi viz in the back of the car?”

(He laughed, said thanks, threw the bike into the back, and drove off. Two police officers, and forty-five minutes. At the rate a police officer is contracted out, that’s about £70. A taxi could have done it for £20. Really, don’t punish selflessness. If you don’t have a choice, at least acknowledge their efforts.)

(I am lawyer who works at a legal office. I open some mail addressed to me. A letter says that a lady has sued one of my clients without going to court and is ordering him to pay $100,000 or she will leak confidential information. I call my client and inform him of this, and he tells me not to worry about the bluff and to just bin it. In about two weeks I get a phone call from my client in a panic.)

Me: “Hello, Mr. [Client]. How are you today?:

Client: “Not f****** good!”

Me: “What is the problem, sir?”

Client: “You know that weird lady?”

Me: “Yes, what did she do?”

Client: “Well, she posted all this stuff all over my Facebook wall that was not true. I am now getting terrible messages saying stuff that I am not. I am losing customers from my online shops and everything!”

Me: “Okay, do not delete the messages. Copy every message and send them to me for evidence. Just get off that account while I work on this for you.”

Client: “So, you want these message sent to you?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

(The client sends the messages. We decide to sue for defamation since she has said stuff that is not true and he has now suffered financial loss because of it. Fast-forward about six months. We are about to have our hearing in court when I drop by the office on Saturday to collect some files. I walk in and see the lady that is in the court case ruffling through my files.)

Me: “Hey, [Lady], get out of there! You are not permitted to be here, and this is trespassing.”

Lady: “Oh, f*** off, you little b****. I am taking this evidence so you won’t be able to do anything to me anymore!”

Me: “Listen, we have security cameras rolling 24/7 here. In fact, your face has been on camera the entire time.”

Lady: “I don’t care! They don’t know it is me—”

Me: “It records audio, as well, and you just admitted to a crime.”

Lady: “But—” *sprints to the front door that is locked*

Me: “That door is locked.”

(I call the police while she is struggling with the door.)

Lady: “Let me out!”

Me: “Police have been called; please remain here.”

(The police arrive soon after the call and handcuff her.)

Me: “I would like to press charges on her, please; she has broken a lot of laws!”

Lady: “Oh, go f*** yourself!”

Me: “I will. Have a nice time!”

(I got a call on Monday… Guess who wanted me as their lawyer?)

My college friend called me one day asking for advice. A few days before, she was hit by a car making a right turn across a crosswalk. My friend was on her bike but had the right of way. At first, the driver didn’t stop, and instead started off down the street before wisely deciding to return to the scene. My friend suffered no injuries, but her bike was badly damaged. A cop was called to the scene to take a report. My friend decided that she didn’t want to press charges as long as the driver paid to repair the bike, my friend’s main method of transport around the city. The cop agreed not to issue a ticket, but gave my friend his contact information and told her to let him know if there was any trouble.

The reason my friend called was that after taking the bike to her local bike shop and getting an estimate on repairs, she called the driver up to arrange payment. The driver didn’t want to pay, claiming she couldn’t afford it. She pleaded with my friend, saying that she just couldn’t do it.

My dad is a lawyer, and often gives free advice to my friends, so she was wondering what suggestions he had. My dad laughed when he told her the story. He knew exactly what to do, and wrote it all down for her in an email to recite when she called the driver back.

She called the woman back and politely told her that the agreement was to pay for the bike repairs in exchange for no ticket or summons being issued. If the driver was now reneging on that agreement, my friend would call the cop who came to the scene and request he issue the summons. The driver would have to pay a fine, and her insurance company would likely raise her rates.

My friend’s bike was repaired within the week.

To this day, my dad can’t believe that driver was so dumb as to try to weasel out of what was literally a gift from my friend of not letting her insurance company know what she did.

(I work in a call center for a large insurance company. Two things are important to know: first, just because I am not in an office talking face to face, it does not mean that I know less than other agents; I had to pass the same test and get the same licence they did. Second, for those who don’t know, Maryland has some of the stricter insurance laws in the country. They fine you per day you don’t have insurance on a car that is registered, coming to about $2,500 per year per car, with no maximum. They also usually aren’t willing to allow you to even start paying on the fine until you have insurance again.)

Customer: “I just got back from MVA [Maryland DMV] and was trying to renew the registration on my car, and they told me that I have a fine to pay because of you guys.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Let me see if I can find your policy and get this sorted out for you. Do you have your policy number or phone number?”

(The customer gives me his phone number and I try to find a policy for him. Eventually I do, but I find a problem right away.)

Me: “Sir, is it possible that you have the policy under a different phone number?”

Customer: “No. That is the only phone number I have ever had.”

Me: “Okay, well, I found a policy that you had with us, but it cancelled two years ago.”

Customer: “Is that why you are fining me?”

Me: “No, sir. We are not fining you. The state of Maryland is probably fining you for having a vehicle registered and not having insurance on it.”

Customer: “How the h*** would they know?”

Me: “All insurance companies that operate in the state of Maryland are required to report when policies start and end on vehicles.”

Customer: “So, you told them to fine me. You guys are going to pay this fine, then. Why was my policy cancelled in the first place?”

Me: “The policy cancelled due to non-payment. And we don’t tell the state to fine you; we can only report your insurance status with us. For all we knew, you reinsured elsewhere.”

Customer: “Well, I didn’t. So, you guys are going to pay off my fine and tell MVA that I have insurance so that I can drive again.”

Me: “We won’t pay the fine for you — it is your responsibility to keep insurance on your car — but I can try to get you reinsured with us.”

Customer: “NO! I don’t need your g**d*** insurance. I let that policy cancel because I realised how much I’ve paid in insurance over the years and never had an accident. I don’t want to be a part of your scam anymore. Just tell the state I have insurance so that I can drive again. And pay my fine; it’s your fault, anyway.”

Me: “You want us to pay $5,000 for you and lie to the state for you so that you can go back to breaking the law?”

Customer: “I’m not paying for your scam anymore! You do what I say!”

Me: “We are not doing that. Have a nice day.”