In memory of our little experiment with a different style of titles, we offer up a Thanksgiving spread of stories with absolutely normal titles.  Feast upon some of our best-loved tales of the foods of Thanksgiving, including some all-time favorites!

Talking Turkey – Sometimes it’s the simple things.

Going Red About The Green – What’s the matter, pumpkin pie?

A Barrel Of Laughs – By any chance, did the writer fall in… and were they wearing green? It would explain the previous story…

Not Talking Turkey This Thanksgiving – Fare is fair!

Pranksgiving – That’s not how a turducken works.

Not Talking Enough Turkey – He likes his turkey as dry as a martini, but hold the booze and give it to the poor server!

A Cocktail Of Lies And Cookies – He likes his cookies like… Wait. Never mind.

Wasn’t Born In The Pumpkin Patch – Guess he won’t get a visit from The Great Pumpkin, either.

With Great Bacon Comes Great Responsibility – Some love it. Some hate it. Some say everything is better with bacon.

A Monster Mash Potato – We think it sounds tasty…

More Thanks-taking Than Thanksgiving – This story of turkey-grabbing mayhem is a favorite for good reason!

We give thanks for the things we have, the friends and family we love, and the end of those goofy titles. Now, let’s eat!

Tell us your tales of Thanksgiving foods. Does your feast include something unique or different? Feel free to share the recipe, too!

(I work for a woman who has a fashion and jewelry import business, and she is trying to set up sales reps in other cities. She has just sent one rep a sales kit of some somewhat pricey jewelry, and the rep has ghosted us, stealing the jewelry. My boss’s solution for this?)

Boss: “Well… tax season is coming soon; maybe we’ll just 1099 her for it.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Boss: “We can say the product was her payment and put it on her 1099! Then we’ll get it as a tax credit, and she’ll have to pay for it in her taxes.”

Me: “Uh…”

Boss: “We can even say the product was worth a lot more! Like, we can put [amount ten times the product’s value].”

(I’m starting to feel like this is sketchy.)

Me: “I don’t think we can. That’s fraud.”

Boss: “Who’s going to find out?”

Me: “[Rep] will report us to the IRS.”

Boss: *most arrogant tone possible* “How can she? She’s the one committing a crime!”

Me: “She has proof the items in her kit weren’t really worth that much. We sent out a packing list to all the reps, saying what products we sent them and what the value was.”

Boss: *deflated, so disappointed she doesn’t get to commit tax fraud* “Oh, yeah. Okay, so we can’t do that… but we can still put the value of products she got on her 1099 as compensation!”

Me: “I don’t think this is a good idea. Why don’t we just contact the police in her state and report that she committed theft?”

Boss: “That’s too hard.”

(Her accountant, who was probably also kind of shady, said that “payment in product” was a totally legit thing to put on a 1099, so as far as I know she went ahead with this scam. I don’t know; I quit — after tax season, to make sure she didn’t get mad at me and send me a bogus 1099 saying I had been “paid in product” ten times more than my actual salary — and got a job where the boss didn’t try to implicate me in fraud. My old boss is still in business, last I heard. I feel bad for her employees.)

(My husband is an extremely laid-back, no-nonsense man. He is intelligent, but dislikes hypothetical questions and “what if” situations. When he is summoned for jury duty, I am certain it will be an interesting experience for the court. This happens when he is called upon to answer questions for jury selection.)

Prosecutor: “How would you know if someone is lying to you?”

Husband: “Depends on who they are.”

Prosecutor: *smirks* “Okay. Say it’s a stranger.”

Husband: “Then what am I doing talking to them?”

Prosecutor: *blinks twice then moves on to next juror*

(My husband was informed that his services were not needed. He seemed very pleased with the outcome, especially since he only had to be himself to get out of jury duty.)

I work in a fast food restaurant that is inside a convenience store. One day, the store manager had five cartons of “soft pack” cigarettes set aside to be returned. They had been ordered by mistake, as most smokers prefer the standard, harder packs.  

When the vendor came to pick them up, only four cartons were there. The manager started looking at the cameras to try to catch the thief. While he was looking, another employee came in and told him that one of the fast food workers who was working that day was outside smoking those specific, uncommon cigarettes.

The manager confronted the employee, who confessed and offered to pay for them to keep his job. The manager refused, and the employee was fired.

Who is stupid enough to smoke the very things you stole at the place you stole them from?

Years ago, I was the receptionist in my hometown’s only brothel. It had been there in the same place, a minute’s drive from the local police station, since the 60s. Everyone knew what it was. The entrance was a set of stairs leading up from a street.

A TV is set up, playing a feed from cameras showing the street and the stairs leading to a door that either the bouncer or myself have to open.

One slow night, I’m doing paperwork while talking to one of the girls, when I see a brand-new car stop outside. The next thing I see is something being lit, and then a firecracker gets thrown out the passenger door and up the stairwell. I instantly hit the emergency button that goes to the police station while the bouncer comes running. I tell the bouncer to just watch.

The passenger lights another firecracker when a cop car pulls up behind them with lights and sirens going, causing the passenger to drop the lit cracker inside the car. We watch on the cameras as the cracker bounces around inside the car, tearing up the interior, before two boys escape the car straight into the arms of two laughing cops.

It turns out the 17-year-old driver had taken his mum’s brand-new, $40,000 car she’d had for two days for a joy ride while she was asleep. The car is a write-off and both boys end up with second-degree burns and criminal records.

It certainly made a boring night more entertaining.