I work in a convenience store. The laws in my state basically cut off all sales of alcohol at 2:00 am. A drunk man comes in at 2:10 and gets angry when he cannot buy beer. He throws a fit and I kick him out.

He comes back about an hour later and parks his car near the edge of the lot, but he doesn’t come inside. I see him get out of his car and go storming out of sight around the corner of the building, with something long in his hands — too distant to see it clearly. This freaks me out, naturally.

The phone is in my hand to call the police, when suddenly the whole store goes dark. I sprint to the front door and lock it while telling the dispatcher what’s going on.

A police officer comes inside to stay with me while two others go around back. Over the cop’s radio, we both hear a request put in for an ambulance.

They find him knocked out behind the store, and a camping hatchet — the non-insulated metal kind — buried in the severed power conduit. One shoe was blown completely off and is sitting, alone, a few feet from his unconscious body. Melted a hole right through it. Somehow, he gets off with only a few burns, rather than a medium-to-well-done cooked heart.

We get to listen to cops trying to figure out whether or not they will need to shut down the power to the area to get the hatchet out, because with evidence sitting right in front of them, they are not going to touch that thing to bring it into evidence until they know it is safe.

The owner has to shut the store down for a full day to have the power cable repaired.

(I am full of a chest cold and have struggled to the pharmacy to stock up on decongestants, so I can go back to bed for as long as possible. My spouse has texted to ask me to pick up extra, as he’s starting with the same cold. As I look through the shelf of cold and flu medication, I notice that everything contains either paracetamol — acetaminophen — or ibuprofen. There are laws limiting the sale of those medications in the UK, which have significantly reduced intentional and accidental overdoses.)

Me: *pointing at shelf* “Excuse me. How many packets am I allowed to buy?”

Assistant: “Only two, I’m afraid.”

Me: “Oh, bother. For two of us poorly, that’s only two days’ worth. Never mind. I’ll just have to come back again.”

Assistant: “Well, unless you have a consultation with the pharmacist…”

(Fortunately, the pharmacist agrees to authorise sale of two packets each for me and my spouse, and after thanking her, I pay.)

Assistant: “People are so rude about the limit, though. You should hear what they’re like when we have to say no.”

Me: “What? But they do know it’s actually the law and not just [Pharmacy] policy?”

Assistant: “Yes. One man shouted at me for several minutes because I wouldn’t sell him ten packets of paracetamol in one go. Then he said, ‘I’m just going to come back in fifteen minutes to buy more and you won’t remember me.’”

Me: “I’m not sure that’s how that works.”

Assistant: “Yeah, he was pretty memorable by that point.”

Me: “And instead he could just have gone to [Shop twenty metres away] and [Shop fifty metres away], which both sell that kind of medicine.”

Assistant: “Exactly!”

Automated Prompt: “…to report a sick animal, a lost animal, or any other animal emergency, press 0 for dispatch.”

(Thinking this will connect me to an animal control unit, I press 0.)

Sheriff’s Dispatcher: “[County] Sheriff Non-Emergency Dispatch. How can I help you?”

Me: “I’m sorry. I’m trying to get in contact with [County] Animal Services.”

Sheriff’s Dispatcher: “Yeah, we handle animal issues on weekends.”

Me: “Okay, well, I have a dog that was found by a couple of people here. I’m trying to find a safe place for him right now so the owner can retrieve him. Do you have anyone I can contact for that?”

Sheriff’s Dispatcher: “Well, if you can contain the animal safely, hold on to him until Animal Services opens on Monday, and then contact them to pick him up.”

Me: “I see. I apologize, but I’m a bit annoyed at the fact that we have a dedicated Animal Control, and yet it falls to the police to do their job on weekends.”

Sheriff’s Dispatcher: “Totally understandable, sir.”

(After that, I contacted a relative who had a dog crate to take him; we’ve taken him in for the time being. According to the website, the Animal Services’ office isn’t open until 12 pm Monday. Good to know my tax dollars are being used wisely. At least he’s cute.)

(I work in the land acquisition department for a civil engineering firm. We are tasked with acquiring right-of-way and/or easements needed for roadway improvement projects initiated by our state, county, or even city transportation and roadway departments. We usually settle with property owners, where they’ll receive fair market value or an acceptable amount of money for the portion of their property required for the roadway project. However, in some cases, we have to acquire the portion by right of eminent domain, by act of condemnation. In most cases the judge only deals with the property owner and attorney for the body of government seeking to acquire the owner’s property. Very rarely do these hearings go to jury trial, but on the off chance they do, jury duty is ordered as it is with any other trial. Potential jurors are each issued a paddle with a number in a large font printed on it. This happens to a former coworker of mine.)

District Attorney: *after introducing the case* “Is anybody here familiar with [Property Owner]?”

(A few jurors raise their paddles, as does my coworker.)

District Attorney: “Is anybody here familiar with [Roadway Project]?”

(A few more jurors raise their paddles, including my coworker.)

District Attorney: “Does anybody here know [County D.O.T. Commissioner]?”

(A couple of jurors raise their paddles, including my coworker.)

District Attorney: “Is anybody here familiar with [Our Employer]?”

(A few more jurors raise their paddles, including my coworker.)

District Attorney: “Does anybody here know [Boss]?”

(A couple of jurors raise their paddles, including my coworker.)

District Attorney: “Does anybody here know [Coworker]?”

(By then, [Coworker] is basically jumping up and down in her seat, waving her paddle as if she is swatting at flies.)

District Attorney: “Yes, Juror #24, how do you know these parties?”

Coworker: “Because I am [Coworker]!”

(She was promptly dismissed.)

It’s time for the October roundup! Our editors have decided among themselves which stories in October deserve the extra attention, regardless of the number of thumbs-ups they received. Out of the 901 stories we posted in the month, we’ve singled out nineteen.

If there are any stories from the last month you feel we should have included, please let us know in the comments!

Don’t forget to vote for your favorite stories in the poll below! Note: You can choose up to three*. The winner of the previous roundup poll was The Babysitter Blues , from the Related category!

Breast Practice For Dealing With Narrow-Minded People – How to deal with those offended by breast feeding!

Boss Baby – Gotta start them early!

Minimum Wage Is Totally Skippable – Why do minimum wage jobs have maximum requirements?

Cutting Any Potential Mix-Ups Short – Getting a short haircut shouldn’t take this long.

Some Strange Lab Conditions – Even better than drunk texts, are fever texts.

This Museum Rocks! – A precursor to getting a pet rock.

It’s A Bad Sign-us Infection – What do you do when the doctor IS the hypochondriac?

Having Unsanitary Thoughts – The old ways aren’t very lady like.

Not A Different Kettle Of Fish – Constructing a comfortable little prison for your fish.

PTS-Daaaaaa*n Girl! – See what happens when a 5’3″ girl with a softball bat encounters a burglar.

Might Need A New Nanny To Watch Their Privilege – Growing up in a nanny state.

The Mother Of All Voices – The power of the “mom voice” knows no limits.

Acts Of Kindness Can Be A Piece Of Pancake – When in doubt, just give cake.

The Express Yourself Lane – Pregnant women that are about to pop, are also about to explode.

A Storybook Romance – If you don’t like to read, this story is not for you. Also why are you even on this site?

Can’t Recognize A Good Sign – Because sign language is so loud.

It’s Not Going To Be Her Dog-Day Afternoon -Isn’t every story improved with a pooch? Especially ones where the good guys win?

No More Narrow Escapes – For this bad driver, it’s a one-way street to justice.

The Owner’s Reaction Is Nice And Crisp – An ending so satisfying that we saved it for the end.

[poll id=”18″]

*Not Always Hopeless stories are not included in the poll. This is because often they are so lovely they win by default.