(I work as a driver for a mid-sized haulage company. Our depot backs onto some train tracks, and as a result, we have a higher than average number of people breaking onto the site trying to steal cargo off the back of trailers parked in the yard. This is in spite of better fences, more cameras, changing and even hiring a full-time night guard with a pair of German shepherds to keep an eye on things. We still have people breaking in two to three times a week. I return to the yard about two am, to find four of the mechanics gathered around a refrigerated trailer.)

Me: “What’s going on?”

Mechanic #1: “We’re training.”

Me: “Training to stand near a trailer in the dark?”

Mechanic #2: “No, we’re training tonight’s wannabe thieves. [Night Guard] and the dogs rounded a pair of them up earlier.”

(At this point I become aware of muffled shouting and banging coming from the trailer.)

Me: “So, you caught them and threw them in there?”

Mechanic #3: “Yeah, [Mechanic #1] was getting tired of repairing cuts in the fences every other night, so we’re seeing if we can train them to not come back, instead.”

Me: “How cold is it in there?”

Mechanic #1: “-30 C, cold as it can go.”

Me: “You have entertained the possibility they might freeze to death, haven’t you?”

Mechanic #1: “Still banging, aren’t they? [Night Guard] called the police about ten minutes ago; they’re sending someone to pick them up. We did tell them not to rush, though.”

(At this point, the police did, in fact, show up and retrieve the fairly frosty pair of thieves, whilst also cautioning the mechanics to not take the law into their own hands again. Since they hadn’t actually stolen anything, the thieves could only be charged with trespassing, so the actual police punishment was very minor. The mechanics’ unusual method did seem to work, because following this incident and a couple of further ones involving people being tossed into room-temperature trailers for several hours, our break-ins almost completely stopped.)

(I’m working at an aquarium. Today I’m in charge of doing a feeding show with the penguins. As little kids in the audience go, “Eww,” or, “Aww!” a full-grown lady walks up.)

Lady: “AAAH!” *covers children’s eyes, and then turns to me, through the tank* “How can you let kids watch this?! Dead animals being given to these cute creatures! Disgusting!”

(She stalks off, and I continue the show. Just a week later, I get a notification from management telling me I have to show up in court for this lady who’s suing us.)

Lady: *in court* “They were corrupting our children, letting them see these dead animals being fed to the animals they thought were these cute, fluffy creatures!”

Me: “Ma’am, with all due respect, the penguins need the fish to survive. The children aren’t ‘corrupted’ by it because they eat fish, beef, and chicken themselves! Are you expecting us to have to feed them at ten pm when we close and they’re about to go to sleep?”

(This went in a circle for a while, but she ended up losing!)

(My mobile phone rings. I know it’s a spam call because I don’t give out my mobile number and it’s unlisted. I answer it anyway since I’m not doing anything important.)

Caller: “Hello, I’m [Caller] from [Made-Up Company]. I’m calling on behalf of your insurance company regarding a traffic accident in which you were the driver not at fault.”

(I’ve had this scam before and just hung up, but I decide to see how long he’ll keep going.)

Me: “I don’t think so; I don’t drive at all.”

Caller: “Oh, my apologies! I’ve misread. I see here you were actually the passenger, not the driver.”

Me: “Nope, I always take public transport.”

Caller: “Oh, yes! My mistake. I see it was actually a relative of yours who lives nearby who was the passenger in the car not at fault in a traffic accident.”

Me: “Nope. I’m the only member of my family in this city. The rest of my family is at least 200 kilometres away.”

Caller: *swearing*

(The call ended. If they ever call back, I’m going to ask them who my insurer is, since they’re calling on behalf of them.)

It’s time for the November roundup! Our editors have decided among themselves which stories in November deserve the extra attention, regardless of the number of thumbs-ups they received. Out of the 889 stories we posted in the month, we’ve singled out fourteen.

If there are any stories from the last month you feel we should have included, please let us know in the comments!

Don’t forget to vote for your favorite stories in the poll below! Note: You can choose up to three*. The winner of the previous roundup poll was PTS-Daaaaaa*n Girl!, from the Legal category!

The Police Force Versus My Mom – If the police get between a mother and her child, the police aren’t going to win.

There’s A Special Hell Reserved For People Who Talk In The Movie Theater – Wade Wilson couldn’t have put it any better himself.

The Shoe Doesn’t Fit Like A Regional Manager – The kind of district manager you can bring home to meet your mother.

“Helpless” To Resist Adopting This Cat – The amazing adventures of Alexander Hamilcat!

His Wife Is The Perfect Package – Behind every stupid man…

Never Get Tired Of Heroes – Incompetence to make you go completely lug nuts!

Doctors Follow The Same Old Tired Formula – Why is the most natural way to feed a baby becoming more and more unnatural?

It Can Be Costly Being A B**** –  See what happens when bad behavior ends up costing a customer a fairly decent fine!

Right Backed Up At Ya – Talking s*** about you in the workplace.

A One-Way Ticket To Stupidity – Winning against the Meter Maid makes for some satisfying reading.

The Bathroom Is Not The Only Thing Getting A Deep Clean – The sarcasm is worth the disgusting imagery.

The Female Form Does Not Conform – You ever tried to tell a pregnant woman to hide the fact that they’re pregnant? Or do you like being alive?

History Repeated As A Cautionary Tale – There is hope against the rise of a tyrant.

The Cold Future Of Movie Rental Stores – That cold feeling of shame when the customer realizes that they aren’t right.

[poll id=”19″]

*Not Always Hopeless stories are not included in the poll. This is because often they are so lovely they win by default.

(I’m a supervisor on a computer helpdesk. One of my tasks is to listen in on calls to check if agents are giving customers the required service. Listening in on a call, I overhear a customer being very rude to an agent. He’s calling her various foul names like slut and whore. She’s just trying to help him the best she can. The girl is nearly in tears, so I decide to teach this customer a lesson. I tell the agent to end the call because I’ll be taking over. This is how the conversation goes.)

Me: “This is [My Name]. I overheard the conversation you had with my agent and I decided that your support contract just ended. Any problem you have with your computer is no longer our concern.”

Customer: “You can’t do that. I have rights. I will sue you.”

Me: “Please do. We have recorded your call, and we will press charges for sexual harassment against you. Since you were so kind to provide us with your name and address, the police won’t have any difficulty finding you.”

Customer: “You don’t have the right to do this.”

Me: “You mean that we don’t have the right to report a sexual offender to the police?”

Customer: “I’ve got contacts. I’ll have you fired.”

Me: “Sure, but first you’ll have the police on your door.”

Customer: “You can’t do that to me.”

Me: “I can. And we will. Have a nice day, sir.”

(I contacted our legal counsellors and they told me to press charges. We did report him, and we handed over the recordings and the witness statement from the agent. He did get to do community service and had to pay a substantial sum to the agent. My employer didn’t have any problem with the way I handled the problem. He still uses this story as an example of how his company stands behind the employees. The agent got counselling and a few weeks off to recover. She’s still working for us.)