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Stories about breaking the law!

Banking On Common Sense

, , , | Legal | May 20, 2018

(I am out taking care of some errands one afternoon when I turn down the street for my bank and see several police cars, all with lights flashing, in the bank’s parking lot. I immediately pull off into an empty parking lot and turn around going back the way I came. Just then one of the police cars comes FLYING out of the bank’s parking lot and pulls me over.)

Officer: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

Me: “Um, no, sir. I don’t.”

Officer: “Well, I noticed you headed for the bank but you turned back around.”

Me: “Yes, sir, I did.”

Officer: “Well, I just noticed that when you saw us you immediately turned around.”

Me: “This is true.”

Officer: *staring at me expectantly* “Okay…?”

Me: *confused* “Okay?”

Officer: *clearly still waiting for an explanation* “Sooo…?”

Me: *still confused about why I got pulled over* “Sooo… why am I going to go into a bank surrounded by cops?”

(He literally jumped back in surprise like that question had never crossed his mind. He let me go with a warning to “Be careful out there.” Way ahead of you, buddy.)

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Global Positioning Showers

| Legal | May 25, 2013

(I work at a drug testing facility. I am having an e-mail exchange with one of Parole Officers that refers me a lot of clients.)

Parole Officer: “Has [new client] shown up yet?”

Me: “He was supposed to come to me about a week ago, but nope, still nothing.”

Parole Officer: “Okay, he’s on his way. He’s not the brightest crayon in the box, so you might have to explain the procedures to him a few times.”

Me: “Cool, good to know.”

(Several minutes pass.)

Parole Officer: “He apparently can’t find you. He called me a few minutes ago to say he was in the shower. I am confused.”

Me: “That’s a new one.”

Parole Officer: “I know, right? Job security.”

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D’ohpe, Part 2

, , , , , | Legal Right | January 12, 2011

(I’m a criminal lawyer at a free legal service. I am talking to a client on a DUI.)

Me: “…so, after the guilty plea I make submissions to try and minimise the penalty.”

Client: “You want an excuse or something?”

Me: “Well, actually there’s no excuse or defense under our law, but maybe if we submit your circumstances we can ask for the lesser end of the penalty.”

Client: *in all seriousness* “Well, tell them I wasn’t thinking straight cause of all the dope I’d smoked.”


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Policemen Never Take Sabbath-icals

, , , , , | Legal Right | October 15, 2010

(I pull a man over who is speeding and weaving between cars on the highway.)

Driver: “Are you off-duty? You can’t do traffic stops if you are off-duty.”

Me: “No, sir. See my uniform and marked vehicle?” *I point to my car with full lights on top and ‘police’ written all over it*

Driver: “They make you work on Sunday?”

Me: “Yes, sir. We are 24/7.”

Driver: “But who would commit a crime on a Sunday? That is blasphemy. They’ll go to Hell!”


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Driving Miss Crazy, Part 2

, , , , | Legal Right | December 21, 2009

(We’ve had to close down a road due to a car crash in a snow storm. Fire trucks and ambulances are there with lights flashing to block the road. I’m at one side of the street directing traffic.)

Driver: *slows down looking at the scene* “What happened?”

Me: “Accident, ma’am. Please keep moving.”

Driver: “Can I go down the street? It’s a shortcut.”

Me: “The road is closed, but you need to keep moving. You are going to cause another accident.”

Driver: “I didn’t cause any accident! I’m a good driver. How dare you imply that I’m not?! I’m just trying to get home. Why are you being so rude?! I will have your badge, you little b****!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you are not going to move then you need to pull to the side of the road now!”

Driver: “I pay your salary! You are supposed to help people! Don’t you want me to get home? I have a family, you know!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you do not pull to the side of the road right now or drive away I am going to arrest you.”

Driver: “Fine!”

(With that, she drives straight down the closed street and nearly hits me. Due to all the snow she loses control and crashes into one of the parked cruisers.)

Driver: “This is all your fault! Why didn’t you tell me the road was closed?!”


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