(I have had the weekend from Hell itself, so I am miserable on a Monday night when this gem of a telemarketing scam comes through. For context, I am in the bathroom with horrible cramps when I hear the phone ring and my son brings me the phone. Also, I have my laptop on my lap, and it is definitely not an Apple product, as we are an Apple-free home due to budget.)

Me: “Hello?” *using an outrageous valley girl voice*

Scammer: *with a thick accent* “Hello, ma’am, I am calling from Apple Support to inform you that your iCloud account has been compromised.”

Me: “O-M-G!” 

(Yes, you got that right; I went SUPER valley girl!)

Scammer: “How many Apple devices do you own?”

Me: “Three!”

Scammer: “And what kind are they?”

(He is speaking slowly like I am the airhead I am pretending to b.)

Me: “An iPhone X, a laptop, and uh… an Apple watch.”

Scammer: “Well, ma’am, it would seem your account is signalling from many places. Yes, someone in Russia, Germany, and other places have accessed your account. Do you have family from there that could have accessed the account?”

Me: “Noooo…”

Scammer: *huffs* “Well, ma’am, have you shared your account with anyone?”

Me: “NOOOOOOO…”

Scammer: “Well, ma’am, I am going to give you a website to go to. What browser do you use?”

Me: *even more excited and outrageous voice* “Safariiiiiiiiiiiiiii!”

Scammer: *huffs LOUDER* “If you will go and type in this address.” *proceeds to give me a complex website to go to while attempting to phonetically spell it to me* “Ma’am, have you typed it in?”

Me: *stifling a giggle* “Yesssssss.”

Scammer: *huffs* “What does it say?”

Me: “1MATOO7.”

Scammer: *pauses* “What? What did you say?”

Me: “1MATOO7.”

Scammer: “Ma’am, did you go away from the website?”

Me: “Noooo! This is what came up!”

Scammer: “Ma’am, you need to type that correctly. I do not understand how you are seeing this message.”

Me: *bursts into laughter because he is clueless and dropping into my real voice with a Southern drawl* “Dude, I’m just f****** with you. I’m a candidate for a PhD in military history, and there ain’t s*** in this house that’s an Apple product! You have a good day, sweetie.”

(I lived in Washington, DC for several years, but don’t live there anymore. Knowing some things about the city gives me great tools when those scammers call.)

Scammer: “Hello, is this [Not Close To My Name]?”

Me: “May I ask who is calling, please?”

Scammer: *heavy foreign accent* “Ma’am, we have an urgent matter. This is the IRS. You owe us $10,000 which must be paid immediately–”

Me: “Oh, my gosh, the IRS? My brother-in-law works there! Are you on [Street]? On the 32nd floor? How’s the new [non-existent] metro station coming along? Do you know Bob? He’s my brother-in-law!”

Scammer: *confused* “Ma’am… this is an… “ *papers shuffling* “…urgent matter.”

Me: “My sister is going to divorce Bob because she saw those photos of him; it’s such a scandal. The kids don’t know the truth, of course, and Bob will lose the Ferrari and the penthouse. Heroin addiction is such a terrible thing–”

Scammer: *click*

(I work at a small wine store in the heart of downtown. The store is right at street level and by one of the busiest intersections in the city. As such, odd characters, as well as theft, are daily occurrences, and I get used to them quickly. We also always have samples of wine — corporate policy — for patrons to try our sale items. A man walks into the store.)

Customer: *pointing at a tray of wine samples* “Are these free to try?”

Me: “Of course! Feel free to have one.”

(While the man is enjoying his sample, another guy who regularly steals walks in, grabs some large bottles off the shelf, and leaves quickly.)

Customer: “Did he just steal!?!”

Me: “Yeah, it’s pretty common. And that guy hits us up a few times a week.”

Customer: “D***, it’s that easy?!”

(With that he walked to a shelf, grabbed a bottle, and left. All I could think was, “At least he grabbed a poor-selling item!”)

(I manage a small art supply store in a college town. One day early in the semester, a young man comes in and asks for help in putting together a set of oil painting supplies as cheaply as possible. I go around the store with him for several minutes, adding things to his basket.)

Customer: *asking out of the blue* “Do you have security cameras?”

(I look around at the many “You’re on camera!” signs around the store, figuring he must be joking.)

Me: *chirpy voice* “That would be telling!”

Customer: “Oh.”

(He set down the basket and left the store. Nice to know some thieves are easily discouraged!)

(I grew up in Utah on the Wasatch Front and Back with all the snow and bad driving conditions in winter. In fact, when I am learning how to drive, my uncle takes my cousins and me out on the frozen lake, tells us to get the car up to 35 mph, and then reaches over and jerks the wheel really hard. That causes the car to spin and basically teaches us how to mostly control a car when it starts to spin out on the ice. The first time in my life I ever have a true snow day where school is canceled, all the roads are closed, and the city basically shuts down is when I am living in Sherman, Texas, attending my first year of college where everyone on campus, apart from me, grew up in Texas or another southern state. I wake up to my phone blowing up from people asking me to give them rides to the supermarket because I am the only one who knows how to drive in snow. This is very funny to me; everything is shut down because of an inch of snow on the pavement, which is such a trivial amount of snow. One of the calls I get is from a friend who has the biggest, most supped out, Ford F150 I’ve ever been in. It’s basically every Texas boy’s dream truck. He says I can drive it if I take him and his roommates to pick up supplies for the storm. Of course, I say h*** yeah and, of course, I have a little fun by sliding the truck around every corner and basically freaking everyone out by making them think the roads are a lot worse than they really are. On our way back to campus, I get pulled over for the first time in my life just as it starts to snow again.)

Officer: “I’m going to need your license and registration. Do y’all know why I pulled you over?”

Me: “Here’s my license, sir. This is [Friend]’s truck and I’m sorry, sir, I don’t know why you pulled us over. I thought I was obeying all the traffic laws.”

(My friend hands over his license and the registration for his truck.)

Officer: *taking a look at my license and seeing that I’m from Utah* “Where were y’all headed?”

Me: “Back to campus, sir. We were trying to make it to [Store] before they closed since campus is shut down and we needed food.”

Officer: “Just so y’all know, all the roads are closed. Y’all go straight back to campus and stay there.”

Me: “Yes, sir. So, I’m not in trouble?”

Officer: “Judging by where you’re from, you’re safer out here than I am, so you’re getting a warning. Get back to campus and stay there.”

(With that, he gave us our stuff back, walked back to his car, and let me drive away with less messing around… until he was out of sight.)