Golden Rule, Meet Golden Bulldozer

, , , | Legal Right | October 2, 2009

(I work for the city and am repairing potholes in a residential neighborhood. Suddenly, a resident comes running out in his bathrobe.)

Resident: “Hey! What the h*** do you guys think you’re doing?!”

Me: “We’re fixing these potholes, sir.”

Resident: “You guys can’t be here! You did not clear this with the homeowner’s association!”

Me: “Sir, I’m with the city and we don’t have to clear these repairs with any association.”

Resident: “Like h*** you don’t!”

Me: “Please step back, sir. I have to continue working and you are too close to the job site.”

(The resident runs back into his house and comes back out with a small bucket of yellow paint. Before we can stop him, he starts painting the dings and scratches on our bulldozer.)

Me: “What are you doing, sir?!”

Resident: “If you don’t have to clear repairs with us, then I guess I don’t have to clear repairs with the city!”

Me: “Sir, that color paint is not the same as the paint job on the equipment. Plus, you are now defacing this equipment. I will call the police if you don’t stop!”

Resident: “F*** off, you f****** lemming!”

Me: “That’s it, I’m calling the police!”

(By the time the police showed up, all his neighbors had come outside to watch the commotion. Things only went downhill from there, as he ended up getting charged with three counts: defacing public property, resisting arrest, and assault on a peace officer.)

1 Thumbs
6,370

The Highs and Lows Of Parenting

, , , , , | Legal Right | September 1, 2009

Me: “9-1-1. Police, fire, or ambulance?”

Caller: “Police.”

Me: “What’s your emergency?”

Caller: “Is it illegal for a 14-year-old to be drinking Jack Daniels?”

Me: “Yes, it is.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. And, one more question. Is it illegal for a 14-year-old to be smoking marijuana?”

Me: “Yes, it is, ma’am.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. My son told me it wasn’t. I’d like you to arrest my son, please. He’s been doing this for a couple of years now!”


Did you find this story using our Emergency Services roundup?

Click here to read the next story!

Click here to get back to the roundup!

1 Thumbs
5,528

Guilty, Yet Guiltless

, , | Legal Right | July 1, 2009

Me: “Hi, is [Customer] there?”

Customer: “This is him.”

Me: “Hi, [Customer]. I’m calling about your order.”

Customer: “Oh, great! What do you need?”

Me: “Well, sir, you, unfortunately, forgot to sign both your money orders.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “We can’t cash them if they’re not signed. They’re like checks that way.”

Customer: “So? When that happens, you should just sign it for us. You must write checks to yourselves for customers all the time.”

Me: “No, sir, that’s called fraud.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “So… that’s illegal.”

Customer: “So?”

1 Thumbs
2,886

Hopefully, He Doesn’t Look As Stupid As He Sounds

, | Legal | May 31, 2009

Me: “Hi, how can I help you sir?”

Customer: “Do you guys sell pallets?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t.”

Customer: “… but there’s a whole bunch behind your store just sitting there.”

Me: “Yes, but we reuse those. We don’t sell them.”

Customer: “Well, is it illegal if I steal one of them?”

Me: “Repeat what you just said to yourself.”

Customer: *thinks for a second* “Oh.”

1 Thumbs
2,850

Minimally Criminal

, , | Legal | May 30, 2009

Me: “Good afternoon, civil department.”

Caller: “Hi, I’d like to know what happened in my son’s case today.”

Me: “I can’t tell you any details, but I can tell you if they have finished. Can you give me the case number?”

Caller: “Oh, I don’t have one.”

Me: “Are you sure this is a civil case and not criminal?”

Caller: “Definitely civil. Not criminal! My son’s not a criminal!”

Me: “Okay, could I get a last name to see if I can find it that way?”

Caller: “The name is [Last Name].”

Me: “Okay, that name isn’t showing up at all. Are you sure it’s not a criminal case?”

Caller: “MY SON IS NOT A CRIMINAL! How dare you suggest it, you b****!”

Me: “Okay… can you tell me what the case was about?”

Caller: “Oh, kidnapping and assault.”

Me: *transfers the call to criminal*

1 Thumbs
4,381