This Police Force Is Very Middle-Of-The-Road

, , , | Legal | August 1, 2018

(I live along a popular highway that has only two lanes and runs through several small towns. It’s a popular route to the beach, and therefore, the traffic is pretty constant despite it being a small road. There is a particularly bad crash right out front of my house one day: a car hits a semi-truck head-on. I run outside and call 911 immediately, as I do not have the time to search for the local police number and, unfortunately, do not know it off of my head. Luckily, both the drivers of the truck and car are alive and conscious. The truck driver is fine, but the driver of the car has me help him out of his vehicle and asks if he can lay down in my yard, as he isn’t feeling well. Fifteen minutes pass with no police or EMTs showing up, and other drivers are beginning to drive through my yard to get around the wreck. Eventually, the man asks if he can use my restroom, and since he’s been waiting so long, I say yes. While I’m waiting for the man to come back out of my bathroom, my phone rings.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello, ma’am, we spoke on the phone a few minutes ago.”

Me: “Yes, how can I help?”

Caller: “Well, there’s a problem with your address.”

Me: “Yes?”

Caller: “Can you please repeat it?”

(I repeat my address, which she then asks for two more times as conformation.)

Caller: “Yes, okay, that’s what I have written down… Huh.”

Me: “Is there a problem? Not to be rude, but why is it taking anyone so long to get here?”

Caller: “The police can’t find your house, ma’am.”

Me: “What?”

Caller: “The [Town] police cannot find your location. They’ve driven around, but they can’t find your house or any wreck.”

Me: “What?! I can see the police station from my front yard! I’m looking at it right now. Traffic is almost backed the whole way up to it.”

(Sure enough, I’m at the bottom of a hill and the police station is near the top, totally visible from my front yard.)

Caller: *sputters* “That’s [address]?!”

Me: “Yes”

Caller: “[Address]?”

Me: “Yes!”

Caller: “I don’t know what to tell you. [Address].”

Me: “I’m going to hang up and call the local police station now.”

(I hang up, and, as promised, call the local cops.)

Cop: “Hello, this is officer [Cop].”

Me: “Hello, officer. I called in a wreck at [address] and the operator is telling me that you can’t find my house. Twenty-five minutes have passed since the collision. One of the drivers involved in the wreck is currently inside my house recovering.”

Cop: “Oh, yeah! You’re sayin’ it’s on [Street], but I can’t find you. You sure you got yer address right?”

Me: “Officer, the wreck is visible from the police station, as is my house, [address].”

Cop: “Uh…”

Me: “It’s next door to [Funeral Home], the lot where you guys sit and give out tickets every evening.”

Cop: “Oh! Okay, I’ll turn around and be right there.”

(Turned out they had all driven ten minutes in the opposite direction. It took the cops a total of thirty-five minutes to get there, and an ambulance didn’t arrive for an additional fourteen minutes.)

The Mother Of All Legal Advice

, , , | Legal | July 31, 2018

(We have a client whose mother keeps a stranglehold on his activities. He is in his 20s, and so is a legal adult, but any time he dares attempt to escape his mother, she calls around frantically to find help to bring her boy home. During one such episode of freedom, he calls us to demand we not share anything about his case with his mother anymore, which we confirm with him repeatedly each time he calls after that. A month before his hearing, we call him to give him notification of his hearing date, and his mother returns the call to demand information on his case.)

Me: “I’m not able to share any information about [Client] or his case with you without his permission, Mrs. [Mom].”

Mom: “Really! Since when?”

Me: “[Client] asked us to no longer speak with you. I do apologize, but without his permission–”

Mom: “Well, that’s just fine! I’m trying to help him with his disability case, and y’all can’t tell me anything about it? You know he’s at home with me right now, right? I can just tell him to call and ask you, and he’ll give me that information!”

Me: “That may be, but without his permission, I cannot legally give you that information. He would have to be the one to do so.”

Mom: “I’m going to call him right now. Didn’t think I’d know when y’all called, did you? I have his phone! You know he’s not going to that hearing without me, right?”

Me: “Mr. [Client] will have to make that decision. However, if he doesn’t go, then he’s not going to be awarded disability.”

Mom: “Then tell me when his hearing date is!”

Me: “I am not allowed to.”

Mom: “Then he ain’t going, and f*** y’all!”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s no need for that language. I’m doing what was requested of me by your son. Until I get permission from him, I cannot say anything further than that he has a case with us. Okay?”

Mom: “Even if I’m the one helping him.”

Me: “Yes. Even if you’re the one helping him. Let me ask you something, though. You’re so angry about us not giving you information, and I get that. Would you really restrict your own son from possibly getting disability by refusing to take him to his hearing, all because you’re angry at us?”

(She hung up when I asked her that and had her son call us an hour later. I heard her word for word tell him to say, “[Mom] is allowed to know about my case. You are allowed to speak with her. I didn’t mean you couldn’t talk to her when I called, and you were wrong for not telling her anything.” I have a feeling he’s going to move again if he does get awarded.)

Sue The Lawyer

, , , | Legal | July 30, 2018

Me: “[Lawyer]’s office. How can I direct your call?”

Caller: “Is [Lawyer] available?”

Me: “He’s with clients right now. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I need to talk to him.”

Me: “I can give him a message, but he won’t be available for a few hours.”

Caller: “Fine, leave a message for him. This is [Caller]. Tell him I want to talk to him about him trespassing on my property!”

Me: “Um, okay. I’ll be sure to give him the message.”

(Thirty minutes later when I answer the phone:)

Caller: “Did you give him my message?”

Me: “No, sir, he is still with clients. I will let him know you called as soon as he has finished.”

Caller: “I want to leave another message. You tell him that he can either talk to me, or he can talk to the sheriff if he doesn’t call me.”

Me: *sigh* “Yes, sir. I will give him the message. However, it will likely be a few more hours before he is even finished with his clients.”

Caller: “You tell him what I said.”

(An hour later, when I answer:)

Sheriff: “This Is [Sheriff]. Is [Lawyer] available?”

Me: “Is this concerning [Caller]?”

Sheriff: “It is.”

Me: “I apologize, sir. He is not going to be available for a few hours more. As I told [Caller], he won’t be able to call back until he has finished with his current clients.”

Sheriff: “Can you tell [Lawyer] to call me today as soon as he is available?”

Me: “Yes, I will. Does this mean that Mr. [Caller] is not going to be calling us anymore?”

Sheriff: “I can’t promise that he won’t call back, but hopefully this will have calmed down his need to talk to [Lawyer].”

(Two hours later, the lawyer finally finishes with his client, and I flag him down to explain the situation. He instantly groans and starts laughing.)

Lawyer: “Did he really call the police on me? I can’t believe him. I went on his property to talk with his wife about some different property that she was selling. He was angry that I was there to even talk with her, because his name isn’t on the property for sale, so he won’t get any of the money. He called the office twice last night and left a message to complain about me going over there to seduce her and claimed that she was completely upset with my even being there. She was the one that invited me over to talk about selling the land to me! What a jerk!”

Washing Yourself Free From Physical Assault

, , , | Legal | July 29, 2018

(I’m working at an all-new car wash in my hometown, which becomes rather popular very quickly. At the very end of the car wash are some really loud blow dryers, a little traffic light which indicates that the customer can start the engine again and drive off, and a safety light barrier, which shuts down the conveyor belt, if the car is not moving. This should prevent the next car to be pushed into the one standing in the exit. It is a really busy Saturday. My coworkers and I have already washed about 300 cars, when suddenly the conveyor belt stops moving. I am standing at the control desk, which gets the cars moving, so I immediately turn around, and rush down the whole aisle along the conveyor belt. The rest of the car wash is still doing its business, e.g. high-pressure washers and such. Upon reaching the car, which interrupts the safety light barrier, a tall, middle-aged men gets out of his white SUV to inspect why he isn’t moving anymore. I raise my voice to drown out the blow dryers right next to us.)


(I have to be loud; otherwise, you cannot understand anyone in there.)

Customer: “STOP THE F*** SHOUTING AT ME, YOU F****** A**HOLE!”



(The customer gets back in his car and drives off onto our vacuum yard right next to the car wash. I get back to the control desk and proceed with my business. The conveyor belt is running again. Suddenly, the customer makes his way into the pre-wash section, locks his eyes with mine, starts to swing his fists around and glares at me with pure hatred. He’s coming to get me. But one of my coworkers and my boss block his way.)

Boss: “Sorry, sir, what’s the problem? I’m the manager, right here.”

Customer: “F*** you! You should f****** know who you hire!”

(The customer grabs my boss by his arms and wants to move him out of the way by pure force. My coworker, a big but strong man, tackles the angry customer to the ground, gets him back up, and literally throws him out of the pre-wash section.)

Coworker: *to me* “None of your business anymore.”

Me: “I owe you lunch.”

(Afterwards the customer called the police, stated that he was assaulted, and threatened us with legal trouble. We showed the officers the incident on tape, and they left with a laugh.)

The Key To Pressing Charges

, , , , , | Legal | July 28, 2018

(I am a broke university student, driving almost every weekend to my parents house to do laundry as it is cheaper than laundromats. My old car is so rusty I am sure it will fail its next biannual mandatory safety inspection. I’ve just gotten into my car, searching the USB drive with my music on it, and I hear someone honking. I know parking spaces are sparse in my neighborhood, so I quickly continue searching as I presume he only wants to let me know he’s there waiting for my parking spot. Not a minute later the driver, a man from my house, is knocking on my window.)

Me: *cranking down my window* “Hi. I’m driving away in a minute. I just need to search something quickly.”

Man: “Hurry up! I don’t have all day.”

(This angers me, so I take my bag, get out of the car and lock it.)

Me: “You know what? I think I’m just going to drive tomorrow morning. Have a nice evening.”

Man: “WHAT?! No, there’s no other parking space right now! Get back in your car and get lost.”

Me: *looking at my watch* “Considering the time of day I don’t think there’s going to be another one soon, either. You better search elsewhere. Bye!”

(I go home and cool down. The next morning I get to my car and find it with profanities scratched into all four sides of it, and quite a few dents ranging from small to almost a hole. I call the police and tell them what happened. They come quickly; I show them to the neighbor and they confront him about it.)

Man: *grinning* “Oh, no! I’d never do such a thing.”

Police: *pointing at his key visible at a table near the entrance* “Do you mind if we take a look at that key right there?”

(He reluctantly handed them the key and, sure enough, it still had visible traces of my car’s paint on it. They took our statements and I continued my day. A few days later the guy’s lawyer contacted me, asking if I’d be willing to drop the charges if he paid for the repairs. I told him the damages are too severe for partial repairs and my mechanic thought the car needed a full bodywork and paint job to rectify the damages. He agreed and I took the car to my mechanic who, besides repairing the damages, also did some smaller, necessary repairs for free as they don’t add up considering the amount of work involved. My car passed its next safety inspection with flying colors. So, thanks for being a d**k! It really helped.)

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