Let’s The Fraudsters Hit The Floor

, , , | Legal | June 2, 2018

(Years ago, I was working in my hometown’s dollar store. One night it suddenly starts pouring outside. I am very concerned about having slippery floors, so I grab the wet floor signs and set them on either side of my register where people first walk in. A couple of customers have come in, so I use the dry mop to soak up the water. It isn’t two minutes later when a customer walks in and falls while I have my back turned. I run over to him.)

Me: “Sir, are you okay?”

Man: “…”

Me: “Do you need help up? Would you like a chair to sit in?”

Man: “…no.”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

(I watch as he limps away, looking at a spot on his shin. The man later comes up to my counter with his purchases.)

Man: “Since I fell, I should have my stuff for free.”

Me: *thinking he is joking* “Haha, yeah…”

Man: *mumbles* “I’m probably going to have to talk to my lawyer.”

(Confused, I finish taking care of him and he leaves. I go to talk with my supervisor about everything. She later receives a phone call. I hear her laughing across the store after it’s finished. The supervisor brings me into the office.)

Supervisor: “You are never going to believe the phone call I just got. The man who was in here earlier was yelling about how he was pissed that you didn’t offer to pay for his items. He then said he was going to sue the store because he fell. I have looked at the camera and you can clearly see the Caution: Wet Floor signs two feet in front of him, and you just dry-mopped the floor right before he came in!”

Me: *laughing, too* “He thought because he fell I needed to pay for his items? That’s not exactly how that works.”

Boss: “Yeah, but get this: you can clearly see him standing in the door waiting for you to walk away before coming in. He was also limping on the other foot before he fell! Looks like he just wanted someone to pay for a previous injury. Good thing you were on top of everything!”

(I had to write a statement about the events of that night. Luckily it never went anywhere so there was no court case. The store manager thanked me for my diligence about the floors that night!)

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Fake ID, Real Emotions

, , , , | Legal | May 28, 2018

(I am working third shift in a convenience store. A guy walks in. He looks about 14. He brings a six-pack of beer to the counter.)

Me: “Uh, I need to see your ID.”

(The guy hands me his driver’s license, but he’s shaking so hard from nervousness it’s hard to take it from him. It turns out he’s 16.)

Me: “Sorry, you’re not old enough to purchase this product. Is there anything else I can get for you?”

(I hand him back his ID. The guy slinks out of the store but returns a minute later.)

Guy: “Man, did you keep my ID? Please don’t call the cops! My parents will kill me!”

(I assure him I gave the ID back to him but he is panicking and starts to cry:)

Guy: “Please, man, just give me back my ID.”

(I spent the next five minutes with this sobbing dude looking around the parking lot and inside his car trying to find his ID, trying all along to convince him that I had not confiscated it and called the cops on him. Finally, he reached into his underwear and retrieved the ID. He was so nervous he had missed his pocket and slipped the ID into his waistband. He fled, and I never saw him again.)

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The Lazy Arm Of The Law

, , , , | Legal | May 27, 2018

(While we are filing our 2016 income tax returns, our accountant discovers that someone stole my Social Security Number and attempted to file this return. It is one of the rare times I am glad we were not expecting a tax refund. Our accountant suggests we complete the following three steps. One, file an identity theft alert with the Internal Revenue Service; two, sign up for fraud and theft alert with the three national credit monitoring companies; and three, file a police report. Steps #1 and #2 are easily completed; then, we have this experience with Step #3:)

Police Officer: “Hello, you have reached the non-emergency phone number. What is your concern or problem?”

Me: “We’ve just found out that someone tried to file a tax return under my SSN, and our accountant suggested we file a police report.”

Police Officer: *long sigh* “Well, you can just call 911 and request a police officer to do it at your home.”

Me: “I just want to make sure I heard correctly. You’re suggesting I call 911 to file this identity-theft claim? But I though 911 was just for emergencies.”

Police Officer: “Yes, it is for emergencies. If you felt this concern was an emergency, this is a quicker way to file this type of police report.”

Me: “No, it is not an emergency; my wallet and purse were not stolen. Someone tried to fraudulently file a tax return with my SSN.”

Police Officer: *another sigh* “Okay, ma’am. You and your husband can come to the police station and file your report there.”

(Somehow, I am not comforted that my local tax dollars would be used to cover the 911 expenses of filing a non-emergency police report!)

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This Wedding Has Some Arrested Development

, , , , | Legal | May 25, 2018

I work third shift for a medium-sized hotel. Around three am, while doing security rounds, I find a guest room door open. From the doorway I can see one of the lamps and the phone are broken and strewn about the room, and there is no guest in the room.

The room also appears to have been ransacked, clothes and personal belongings thrown all over. I call the desk and have them call local police, and stand by until a officer arrives.

Ten minutes later the officer and I enter the room. He finds pills and marijuana on the table. While the officer is investigating, a guy eating a powdered doughnut and wearing nothing but underwear comes to the door. The officer asks him if he is the occupant of the room and the guy just grunts at the officer, enters the room, puts on a pair of pants, and crawls into the bed.

He refuses to follow the officer’s directions and is detained. The guy starts yelling and swearing while in the meantime, a second officer arrives, as well as the guy’s girlfriend and father. The father explains that they are at the hotel for his daughter’s wedding and I need to make the officers go away.

After being screamed at that I am destroying his daughter’s wedding, he wants to know how much it is going to cost to get the officers to go away while pulling his wallet out. One of the officers informs him that what he is planning to do could land him right next to his son at the jail. The father then wants to speak to the general manager who I have already called and is on his way in.

Normally, we would have filed a police report and that would have been the end, but both the son and the father had caused such a ruckus that the son was trespassed and the police charged him with obstruction and possession of more than a pound of pot. The father was removed from property the next night because he got drunk at his daughter’s wedding and became abusive with not only hotel staff but also his family members. His excuse for his actions was that the hotel was working with the government to ruin his daughter’s wedding because he knows too much.

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Give Me A 49th Chance!

, , | Legal | May 24, 2018

(The defendant has been found guilty of public urination. After a police officer was requested to make him leave an event at the local community center, [Defendant] insisted on taking a long piss out of his wheelchair in the community center parking lot, all captured for posterity on the officer’s body camera. This is his fourth arrest — and conviction — on misdemeanor offenses in the last six months. [Defendant] is representing himself.)

Judge: “Ready for sentencing? Does the State have any recommendations?”

State’s Attorney: “Well, Your Honor, [Defendant] is a frequent flyer in the criminal justice system. Over the years, he’s been found guilty of…”

(The list the State’s Attorney reads from has 48 convictions that range from public drunkenness to felony possession and ingestion of controlled substances, with forays into disorderly conduct, various levels of theft, violation of a protection order, simple assault/domestic abuse, and driving while intoxicated.)

State’s Attorney: “…recommend [maximum jail time for the crime].”

Judge: “Do you have anything you’d like to say, [Defendant]?”

Defendant: “People can change, Judge.”

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