At the time of this story, I need to answer phone numbers that I don’t recognize, so unfortunately, that means dealing with a lot of scam calls on top of the calls I am waiting for. To handle this, I start answering my phone in different languages, sometimes messing with them a bit to waste their time. Many scammers hang up when they think I can’t understand them.

This one is a bit more… persistent.

Scammer: *In a thick Indian accent* “Hello, I am calling about your credit card bill. I can reduce your interest.”

Me: “¿Qué? No tengo una tarjeta de crédito.” *What? I don’t have a credit card.*

Scammer: “Miss, I can save a lot of money for you. Please, what is your credit card number so I can reduce your interest?”

Me: “Ya te dije, no lo tengo.” *I already told you, I don’t have one.*

Scammer: “Miss, do you speak English?”

Me: “No, no English.”

Scammer: “Can you speak some English for me? Can you say, ‘I love you.’?”

Me: *Very weirded out* “No, eso es asqueroso.” *No, that’s gross.*

Scammer: “Say, ‘I love you.’”

Me: “You’re a pervert.”

Scammer: “YOU BI—”

All I could do was hang up then, just wishing there was actually a way to report him.

I am the manager of a law firm. I have spent several days coordinating a date and time for a deposition. The next day, I get a phone call.

Junior Lawyer: “Hi, I’m [Junior Lawyer]. I represent [Client Being Deposed]. I need to talk to you about rescheduling his deposition.”

Me: “Why?” 

Junior Lawyer: “I’ve just been told that it’s my client’s birthday. We need a different day, preferably a Tuesday.”

Me: “I had to find a day that worked for four different law firms, a judge, and your client. This was the only available day.”

Junior Lawyer: “But it’s his birthday!”

Me: “He’s a sixty-year-old man who works for the state. Are you telling me he’s not working that day?”

Junior Lawyer: “He’s working but… it’s still his birthday.”

Me: “I’m not going to reschedule unless you clear it with the judge.”

She calls back a few minutes later to tell me she’s got the judge on a conference call.

Junior Lawyer: “[Judge], I have [My Name] on the line. She says she can’t reschedule the deposition unless you clear it.”

Judge: “Why do I have to clear the date? You can change the date as long as my schedule permits.”

Me: “I wanted you to be aware of the reason for the change. It’s her client’s birthday.”

Judge: “So?”

Me: “She wants to change because he doesn’t want to do it on his birthday.”

Crickets.

Judge: “Are you really telling me that we spent days trying to schedule this and now it’s not going to work because it’s his birthday?!”

Junior Lawyer: “Well, he wants to go…”

Judge: “I’m sure he can go to Chuck E. Cheese a different day. We’re not changing. Goodbye!”

Me: “So, I’m going to go ahead and confirm the date now.”

Junior Lawyer: *Sighs heavily* “Okay. He’s not going to be happy.”

I am a paramedic in the New York City 911 system. We deal with a lot of abuse towards us, but this course of events had everyone there baffled.

Depending on the night, we sometimes have to fuel up the ambulance at the gas station instead of our actual station, like when it’s really busy or we are out of our main response area. We carry credit cards that are assigned to the truck and can only be used for gas/diesel.

My partner and I are at the gas station at pump seven. I go inside the store for drinks, and when I come back out, a driver is screaming at my partner. I run over and ask what is going on. 

Apparently, the driver had gone inside and put $40 on pump seven — he was actually at pump eight on the other side — so when my partner swiped the card, it didn’t activate. He pumped around two dollars of the other guy’s forty before the driver started screaming and he realized there was a mistake. He hadn’t noticed because the pump had still asked for the odometer reading and truck PIN, even though it didn’t take the card; we’re not sure why.

My partner is trying to apologize and give the guy $2 from his wallet, but the guy isn’t giving him a chance to speak. He is just screaming, “You scammed me! You use your card to fill my tank all the way!” It’s a flatbed, so it has a big tank. We obviously can’t do that, but my partner says that since he didn’t notice and it was his mistake, he has no issue reimbursing the guy from his own wallet and then filing a “petty cash” claim at the end of the shift.

This guy is not having it. He just keeps screaming to the point that one of the store employees comes out to see what is going on. By this time, I have already landlined dispatch, briefly explained, and asked for a boss to come to try and rectify the situation. Dispatch heard the screaming in the background and decided to dispatch another unit to our location, as well as a boss and police for our safety.

The guy goes inside to yell at the clerk for stealing his money. I follow him to make sure the clerks are safe. We are on really good terms with the night manager, so we always feel like we need to keep her safe. The guy starts screaming at her, even after she offers to give him the $2.

That’s where it goes from bad to “oh, s***.” This moron decides since he’s angry, he’s going to pull out his pocket knife and threaten everyone. It does not work like he wants it to, though. I quickly hit my radio emergency button — which my partner hears and comes running — and speak over the air, “[Distress code], I need PD now; he has a knife.”

In my area, when an ambulance calls a distress code, you get literally everybody. Every available ambulance, boss, and sometimes chief show up to help. We end up with something like twelve ambulances and two bosses at our location within two or three minutes. We get almost the entire police precinct within five or six minutes.

The guy does not have a good day after that; he ends up arrested because of the weapon — all over $2 that we said we would gladly give him.

My mother is disabled and on a fixed income. One week, she is about $100 short for whatever reason and so I loan her the money. After managing to get everything sorted out, she is able to sell off some things she doesn’t need anymore to a friend in order to pay me back. The friend comes over with the money.

Mom: “Just hand it to [My Name].”

Friend: “Here you go.”

The bill is in my hand for about three seconds before I realize something is wrong.

Me: “No, give me a different one. Now.”

Mom: “What’s wrong with it?”

Me: “It’s counterfeit. Take it back and give me a different one. Now.”

Friend: “That’s absurd. I got this from the ATM on my way over here.”

Me: “There’s not an ATM on this side of the city that dispenses any bill larger than a twenty.”

Mom: “How can you tell? You’ve hardly looked at it.”

Me: “It’s crumpled up but it still feels too stiff. It’s not the right shade of green; it’s too light.”

I lightly run my nails over it.

Me: “No ridges. And I bet if I got my counterfeit pen out, it wouldn’t mark properly. It’s counterfeit.”

Friend: “I’m telling you, I got it from the ATM.”

Me: “I worked in customer service for nearly fifteen years; this isn’t the first one I’ve come across. I don’t even need to be this polite about it. If you made this and are trying to pass it off, you’ve done a s*** job and I’m surprised you’re not in jail by now. If you legit didn’t know it was counterfeit, then you got it from someone at the casino who pawned it off on you, and that makes you an idiot. Either way, I’m not accepting it.”

I ended up getting a real bill and went happily about my business. Last I heard, that “friend” was no longer welcome at my mother’s house, and she’s a lot more diligent about the cash she gets.

I take a call at 2:00 pm.

Client: “If I get documents to you by the end of the day, can you still file them with the court today?”

Me: “Yeah, sure. There will be a rush fee, but I should be able to do it. What type of documents are they?”

Client: “It’s a [document asking the judge to reschedule a hearing date].”

Me: “Oh, okay, that’s pretty straight forward. I can—”

Client: “Yeah, the hearing was today.”

Me: “…”

Client: “So, can you still get over there?”

Me: “…”