A girl comes in and grabs a drink. She starts approaching the counter, but instead of getting in line, she just walks behind the counter like she works there, or owns the place. She grabs a pack of Newports and strolls out.

Me: “You can’t be back there, and need you to pay for that!”

She just walks out like she can’t hear me and it’s normal to just take what you want and go home.

I follow her out. I probably shouldn’t, and the boss will probably talk to me about it, but I am angry. I approach her, reach out and grab the box out of her hand there in the parking lot.

Thief: *Yelling* “I’m the Tasmanian devil, I can do whatever I want!”

I just walk around to the front door (the side door locks behind you) and she’s following me, still calling herself the Tasmanian devil. She tries to follow me in.

Me: “You’re not allowed back here.”

She stands in the entrance blocking the door screaming random “Tasmanian Devil” stuff at me. I want her to go away, so I call the cops. She honestly seemed unhinged and I am alone at that moment and a little scared. She’s yelling, but as soon as she realizes I’m calling the cops she takes off.

A few minutes later a police car pulls up, and the officers ask me what happened. While talking, they get a report that someone found her a few blocks away.

Officer: “Will you go identify her?”

My coworker is back at that point and says it’s okay, so I jump in the police car. We pull up to see her talking to an officer. The officers get out of the car and she bolts. She starts sprinting faster than any smoker should run. So the officers get back in the car, turn on the sirens and speed after her for a few blocks with me in the back seat! 

They cuff her and ask for ID. She refuses to tell who she is. They get her in the back of the other cop car, and search their system for the “Tasmanian Devil.” Her picture pops up on the screen. Turns out she’s a serial shoplifter.

So, all-in-all, quite an adventure for an $8 pack of Newports!

Our small police force doesn’t have animal control on our base, but we usually only deal with the occasional stray dog and missing animal. Not today.

We get a call that one of the busiest roads in our small town is being blocked because a huge snapping turtle has taken up residence in the middle of the road and refuses to move for anyone.

My fellow officer uses his nightstick to push the turtle off the road. Just as he gets to the grass, this HUGE snapping turtle shoots his neck out at lightning speeds and grabs the nightstick out of his hand, and it starts waddling off into the woods.

Two seconds later, I hear the officer key up the microphone.

Officer: “11-10, be advised, suspect is now armed and attempting to flee.”

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I have received three scam calls claiming to be from Apple support informing me that my account has been compromised. After just hanging up on the first two, I press the button to speak to customer support the third time.

Me: “Hi. I would like to be removed from your call list. I do not have any Apple products or an account.”

Operator: “How poor are you? Just go buy an iPhone.”

She then immediately hung up the phone before I could respond.

I work in a call centre for monthly-posted contact lenses.

Customer: “My daughter is [Daughter], and her account number is [number]. Can I have my daughter’s prescription info?” 

Me: *Looks it up* “No, I am sorry. I see here that she just turned eighteen and it’s considered medical information, which I cannot disclose to anyone but her now that she’s over eighteen. I need her to call us herself.”

She flips her writ, to the tune of:

Customer: “I pay for those lenses! She’s only a child! Why won’t you disclose the information?!”

And so on.

Me: *Over and over again* “This call is recorded. You’re asking me to break the law. I. Can. Not. Disclose. The. Information. You’re. Asking. For.”

Customer: “Okay, so I am [Daughter]. Now give me the information.”

Me: “You introduced yourself when you called. I know you are not.” 

Customer: “So, if I called back and told you I was her, how would you know?”

Me: “That is called fraud, and that’s illegal.”

Customer: “But how would you know?”

Me: “I strongly advise you against committing fraud, as that is illegal.”

Customer: “But how would you know?”

Me: “I strongly advise you against committing illegal acts.”

I was thinking: “You seriously expect me to tell you, on a recorded call, to go ahead and commit fraud? And you’re seriously telling me, on that RECORDED CALL, that you intend to?!”

I put a note on the file to ask the store to call the girl and ask her, and a note that I suspected fraud, to cover my own behind when no doubt the woman did just as she said she would. I know people commit fraud like that all the time, and nothing comes of it if the relative has approved the deception, but maybe don’t tell someone on a recorded call that you mean to break the law.

My dad is taking me grocery shopping while my car is getting serviced. We are driving when he gets a call from a random mobile number. We both know it is a scam call, but we could do with a laugh.

Dad answers the call, and sure enough, it is your typical, “You’ve been in an accident recently and we can get you megabucks” call — though in an interesting switch-up, the guy barely lets my dad say anything.

Finally, my dad agrees to be connected to someone else.

The scammer thinks he’s on to a winner and starts his final pitch — “All we need are your bank details, sir!” — when my dad cheerfully tells him that he hasn’t actually had an accident in over forty years of driving!

The scammer’s response of, “Oh, my golly gosh! What a terrible mix-up of details!” before hanging up has us both howling with laughter!