While I am waiting to board a flight, the gate attendant makes an announcement.

Gate Attendant: *Over the PA* “Ladies and gentleman, on behalf of [Airline], I would—”

A woman approaches him and waves her hand in his face. He holds up a finger to tell her to wait but she pushes it out of her way.

Woman: “I’m flying with my dog so we’ll need to board first. Here’s his paperwork.”

Gate Attendant: *Away from the PA* “One moment, ma’am.” *Over the PA* “[Airline] would—”

Woman: “He has anxiety.”

Gate Attendant: *Annoyed* “I will be with you in a moment.”

Woman: “Now!”

Gate Attendant: “Ma’am, please sit down and I will be with you when I’m done.”

Woman: “But—”

Gate Attendant: *With a smile* “Thank you for your patience.”

Woman: *Under her breath* “F****** a**hole.”

Gate Attendant: *Over the PA* “Security to [gate].”

The woman tried to make a run for it — without her dog — but she was caught by security. I’m not sure what happened to her, but she probably deserved it.

A few weeks ago, I was in the city’s largest (and arguably best) bookstore

I was wandering down a somewhat tight aisle of freestanding bookshelves about shoulder-high, with my messenger bag over my shoulder and a book open in my hands. My attention was firmly on the book, as I was reading the first few pages to get a sense of the writing style, which would help me decide whether to buy it or not.

I didn’t take much notice as a young guy walked down the aisle towards me. It is important to note that my bag closes with a zip along the top and that this zip was half-open.

The guy brushed me as he walked past me in the small space, and had I been paying more attention to my surroundings, I would have felt him reach into my bag for my wallet. Unfortunately for the thief, I had a runny nose at the time and had been using the travel packet of tissues I kept in my bag throughout the day. Even more unfortunately for him, I had yet to find a bin and had been casually stuffing the sopping used tissues in my bag, hence the half-open zip.

I did feel him yank his hand out with a cry of disgust, and as I spun on him, I saw him run off with an expression of horror on his face, holding his left hand like it was contaminated with something foul — which, in fairness, it was. 

I checked my bag and everything was there, so I finished my browsing and bought the books I had decided on with a satisfied smile on my face.

This story is part of our Best Of January 2021 roundup!

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Read the Best Of January 2021 roundup!

My parents are holding onto a pair of our neighbor’s escaped horses in our front yard when an animal control officer stops to talk to them.

Officer: “Are these your horses?”

Mom: “No, they belong to our neighbor. We’ve already called and they are on their way.”

Officer: “Good, I want to talk to them. This isn’t the first time I’ve been called about these horses. Do you see them loose often?”

Mom: “No, this is a first for us. The goat, on the other hand—”

Officer: “There’s a goat?”

Father: “There’s the goat!”

As they were talking about it, our neighbor’s little black goat came trotting down the street! All animals were returned home safely and the neighbor replaced their fence so there were no more escapees of the equine or caprine variety.

This story is part of our Horse roundup!

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Read the Horse roundup!

I am doing a photoshoot at a comic convention of people cosplaying Marvel characters. There are a lot of us, enough to completely fill up the large staircase outside of the convention center.

As the shoot wears on, I spot two police officers circling the shoot in slowly tightening circles. I let the organizer know in case the officers decide to break up the shoot. Finally, while an awesome Planet Hulk cosplayer is mean-mugging over some lady volunteers, the officers approach the shoot and I overhear one say to the other: 

Officer: “Dude, I know we’re on duty. But I’ve got to get a picture of this Hulk. This is f****** awesome!” 

Cue about ten minutes of the officers acting like giddy schoolchildren as they took selfies with their favorite superheroes before going back to their rounds.

This story is part of our Feel Good roundup for December 2020!

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Read the Feel Good roundup for December 2020!

We used to live in a poorer area of the city. While it wasn’t the worst, we learned quickly what not to do to become a target or have our stuff stolen.

Even though we have moved, I’ve kept some of the mentality. My wife calls me paranoid, but I think there is no harm in being safe.

As such, at Christmas, we now put a wreath on the door, but I make sure to tie it to something on the inside with a few cords of strong ribbon.

Late one night, I hear a bang, swearing, and crying coming from outside.

I open the door to find my wreath, not on the hook, but hanging from the cord, and a teenager on the ground crying over his foot.

It’s clear what’s happened and I have zero sympathy.

Me: “That’s what you get from stealing from people.”

Teenager: *Sobbing* “You’re not going to tell my mum, are you?”

Me: “No, but the police will be here soon enough.”

He goes back to wailing and holding his foot. I call an ambulance and ask if an officer can attend. They arrive quickly and the policewoman talks to me about what happened.

Me: “Look, I don’t want him to get into any trouble, but perhaps he could be scared straight a bit.”

Policewoman: “We would have to look into it, but it would be hard to prove an offence had been committed unless there was some camera footage or witness testimony.”

Me: “Honestly, that’s fine. He looks like a wet blanket that just needs a lesson.”

After a while, the boy’s mother turned up. She was immediately on the defensive, but she was shut down quickly after the police told her that her son had admitted to trying to steal the wreath. I decided not to take it any further and they hobbled off into the night without a word.

I got a Christmas card through the door with an apology from the boy a few days later, something about a dare and how he wouldn’t do anything like that again. Hopefully, the lesson will last.