Gunning For A Win

, , , , , , | Legal | July 15, 2018

(I work at an indoor gun range where people can rent and try different guns. Every customer has to sign a liability waiver stating what their firearms experience is so we know better how to serve them. It also serves to protect us against people who may injure themselves and try to sue us. A woman who rented a gun minutes ago comes out holding onto her hand which is lightly bleeding.)

Me: “Did you get cut by the slide? It happens to everyone at some point. I’ll get you a bandage!”

Customer: “I don’t know what happened! I shot it and it cut me! I’m taking you all to court! This is your responsibility!”

Me: “But, ma’am, I thought you had extensive firearms experience. That’s what it says on your waiver!”

Customer: *frustrated and distracted from the bleeding* “WELL, I WAS LYING!”

Me: “Oh… Then you should not have lied!”

Customer: “No. You should have known what my experience was!”

Me: “I don’t know, ma’am, they don’t pay me to assess that… but they do pay me to get you that bandage!”

(She called a lawyer and lied to him, too. When she and the lawyer came in requesting the video, we showed him the liability waiver that she’d signed but neglected to mention to him. He looked at her for a moment, then walked out of the store.)

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Mothers Can Be Scarier Than Robbers

, , , , | Legal | July 14, 2018

(While he was in high school my brother worked graveyard shifts for a rather shady motel. At the time a man had been going around robbing people at gunpoint, and had already killed a clerk who refused to hand over the money. My brother was unlucky enough to have that same man come in and rob him at gunpoint, and he was obviously terrified. He handed the guy the money and luckily wasn’t shot. Later, when the police and ambulance arrive, his boss finally comes down from his room in the motel.)

Boss: “You gave him all the money?! Even from the safe?!”

Brother: “Yeah, he said he’d shoot me otherwise.”

Boss: “That’s no excuse! These people never actually shoot anyone. You should have called their bluff. Now I need you to pay back the money he stole.”

Brother: “What?! I don’t have that kind of money!”

Boss: “Then I’ll keep all your paychecks until it’s paid for. Now finish out your shift. I don’t want to hear anything about you going home due to ‘emotional distress.’”

([Boss] then went back upstairs to his room and my brother finished his shift. My mother was furious when she found out, and stormed in to rip the boss a new one. Eventually the boss decided not to make my brother pay, offered him free psychological services, and gave him three days vacation time. My mom, being similarly generous, decided not to sue. My brother didn’t stay at the job long after that.)

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They Are Legally Dead

, , , , | Legal | July 13, 2018

(One of my bosses goes to a hearing where the client fails to show up. The particular cases we deal with are not criminal and don’t involve much attorney-client contact outside of the initial interview and the much-later hearing, so it’s not uncommon for clients to disappear in the interim, failing to return calls or changing their address without notifying us. This time it is unusual, however, because it turns out that the client has died.)

Boss: *agitated* “I really wish she would have called to say she didn’t want the hearing anymore.”

Me: “She died.”

Boss: “Well, she should have called to tell me she was dead!” *storms off*

(He later apologized and dealt with the ensuing paperwork more rationally, but at the time, I was torn between laughing and being appalled.)

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Break-ing The Law

, , , , | Legal | July 12, 2018

Boss: “You can’t go on a break. We don’t do breaks here.”

Me: “But I’m working seven hours. It’s obligatory to let me have a break.”

Boss: “Sorry, there’s no time for breaks.”

Me: “Then you should have more people working.”

Boss: “We can’t afford that.”

Me: “Well, if you can’t afford to run your company in a legal way, you’re obviously doing something wrong.”

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A Scam Fit For The Movies

, , , , , | Legal | July 11, 2018

Coworker: “Hey, I have a customer here who says he saw a woman and her kid removing the wet floor sign from theater eight.”

Me: “All right, I’ll go check it out in a sec—”

(Suddenly a woman comes limping towards to ticket desk.)

Woman: “Oh, ah, oh, my back!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, are you okay?”

Woman: “No! I want to speak to your manager! Ah, oh, my back!”

Me: “I am acting manager. What can I help you with?”

Woman: “I’m going to sue this place! I just slipped and fell on an unmarked wet spot in one of your theaters!”

(My coworker and I exchange a bemused look while the lady pretends to be in serious pain. I decide to play with it a little bit.)

Me: “Oh, no! Whatever can we do?! Please, don’t sue!”

Women: “Well, firstly, you can compensate me for my pain. Oh, the pain!”

Me: “All right, miss. As you are injured, I need you to fill out this accident report.”

Woman: “Oh… Can’t you just compensate me without? I’m a very busy woman, you brats! Oh, my back!”

Me: “Well, firstly, I just need a picture of you.”

(My coworker rushes over with a phone and takes her picture.)

Me: “And can I see a driver’s license, and a credit card? Our drawers won’t open without a cash transaction, so I’ll just put, say, $250 straight into your bank through your credit card.”

(I don’t know if that’s actually possible to do, but it sounded true enough, because the woman’s eyes light up like a Christmas tree. She pulls out her driver’s license and her credit card and hands them to me, all the while groaning in pain.)

Me: “And real quick, can you tell me what happened, while I write an incident report?”

(I get a blank piece of paper and a pen, and while she tells us her story, I write, “This woman is an idiot. This is going to be funny; just wait,” and hand it to my coworker.)

Me: “All right, miss, I only have one problem before I put the money through.”

Woman: “Yes? Ah, oh, my back.”

Me: “When you told this story, why did you leave out the part where you moved the ‘wet floor’ sign?”

(The woman sprinted away, leaving me with her license and credit card. My coworker saw her license plate, and we called the cops to say she attempted fraud and was driving without a license. Apparently she was already on probation for attempted fraud, and in a few months when she gets out of jail, she won’t be going back into my theater; we put up the picture of her and her name next to the ticket booth, and she is no longer allowed to enter any of our 50+ movie theaters nationwide!)

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