This story is from a while ago, so it has been paraphrased.

It’s my first few weeks as a teacher in a big and busy secondary school. I was a teacher at a quiet and rural primary school before this so being in a diverse part of London is very exciting for me.

I’m doing some paperwork and admin in the school office after lessons, and a coworker is on the phone to a parent.

Coworker: “Yes, Mrs. [Name], I’m not surprised you were expecting my call. It’s about [Student Name]’s grandmother.”

Pause.

Coworker: “Yes, this is about the dolls.”

Pause.

Coworker: “Yes, I understand there was bullying, but we have processes for these kinds of things. Your mother creating – and I’m reading from the complaints here – your mother creating voodoo dolls of the alleged bullies and parading them outside the school is not one of our formalised processes.”

Pause.

Coworker: “Well, yes, we do know it was meant to be them because your mother had their names sewn on to them.”

Pause.

Coworker: “Yes, the bullying did stop, but now I have four other sets of parents complaining and saying we have witches in the school. I hope you understand why that puts us in an awkward position.”

Pause.

Coworker: “Yes, I know your mother can’t speak English, which is why I’d like you to have a word with her and tell her she can’t be threatening our students.”

Pause.

Coworker: “Thank you, and have a good evening.” *Click.*

Well… we didn’t get THAT in my little home village!

I am attending a training class on malware at work. We’re about to talk about Integrated Cyber Defense Exchange.

Instructor: “Next we’re going to talk about ICDx. Don’t pronounce it phonetically.”

We’re having an (unplanned) class debate about nuclear weapons and which nations should be allowed to have them.

Student #1: “USA should be the only country that’s allowed to have nukes! That way, all the other countries will have to stay in line.”

Student #2: “And why would any other country agree to that? And how would it be enforced?”

Student #1: “It’d be enforced WITH the nukes, idiot!”

Teacher: “No name-calling. Back on topic, who can name the nuclear nations that have nuclear weapons?”

Student #3: “I know this one. The US, Russia, the UK, France, China, Israel, India, Pakistan, and North Korea.”

Student #1: “You forgot Japan.”

Student #3: “Japan definitely doesn’t have any nukes. They’re completely against them.”

Student #1: “They’re like, the 2^nd biggest economy in the world; why wouldn’t they have them?” *This was before China overtook them in the GDP rankings.*

Student #3: “I can think of two big reasons they wouldn’t have them.”

Student #2: “Dude, we literally covered this in history class last month. Hiroshima and Nagasaki?”

Student #1: “Who were they?”

Teacher: “[Student #1], you’re too stupid and too ignorant to maintain this debate. Now, back to class…”

I had just started my Erasmus in Germany (for those who don’t know, it’s an exchange program between European Universities, where students go study at the host University for a limited period of time).

Since I was chosen at the last moment as a replacement for another student who decided to give up the opportunity after getting a girlfriend, I could not study any German before leaving, and I started attending a German class right there in Germany.

During one of these classes, we were practicing adjectives, and the exercise was to tell something using adjectives. The student before me had just said “German people are cold”, so I thought I could hook on to that sentence and tell that people from my home country were more friendly.

With my limited vocabulary, I thought that using the opposite of cold, warm, would work, so I said, in German, “people from my country are warm”.

The teacher stared at me with a perplexed expression and asked what I wanted to say. I answered that I wanted to say that they were not cold. Then he laughed and told me the word I needed to use.

Then, during the break, he came to me, took me aside, and explained, “You know, in German when we say that someone is warm, we mean that they are gay”. And left me with another laugh.

Many years ago, I attended a boarding school. At this school, we had a procedure for when students left campus for non-school-sponsored reasons. We had to fill out a card saying where we were going, and when we expected to be back. A member of dorm staff had to sign off on it, and then we were free to follow our plans.

One day, a group of friends and I collectively decided to go to McDonald’s for dinner. The group consisted of mostly boys, but also two girls (including myself). The other girl and I dutifully filled out our cards, listing our estimated return time as 6:00, and the dorm staff signed off on it. Off we went to McDonalds, as teenagers do.

Fast forward a few hours to approximately 5:45. We’ve returned to campus, and we’ve stopped at the boys’ dorm because it’s closer. While we’re there, we all decide to watch a DVD together, so the other girl and I call the girls’ dorm to let them know we’re back on campus. We then get this conversation…

Me: “Hey, [Other Girl] and I are back, we’re hanging out at the boys’ dorm.”

Dorm Staff: “What do you mean, you’re back?”

Me: “We’re…back on campus? We went to McDonalds?”

Dorm Staff: “The dorm is closed! You’re supposed to be at the game!”

Me: “What game?”

Dorm Staff: “The [sport] game! It’s required! The bus left at 5:00!”

Me: “Uh…what? Nobody mentioned that to [Other Girl] and me. Why didn’t somebody say something when we put on our cards that we’d be back at 6:00?”

Dorm Staff: “Wait, you did?”

Me: “Yes?”

Dorm Staff: “…”

Me: “…”

Dorm Staff: “Just…stay at the boys’ dorm for now. The girls’ dorm will probably re-open around 9:00.”

Me: “…okay.”

After hanging up, I relay all this to the other girl, who is quite as baffled as I am. We ultimately shrug it off, since neither of us is remotely interested in sports, and the movie would have kept us out that late anyway. As best we can figure, we had sufficient ‘good girl’ reputations that the dorm staff hadn’t actually looked at what they were signing off on.

And for the record, I wasn’t censoring the sport involved. This happened sufficiently far in the past that I honestly don’t remember what the sport was. As I’ve said, I wasn’t interested in sports, and I definitely wasn’t complaining about accidentally avoiding the whole thing. And no, the boys’ dorm wasn’t closed for the game, only the girls’. Which is weird, because I could have sworn it was a boys’ sport, but whatever.