(Several other high school students and I are on lunch break at a Model UN simulation. I am part of the Nigeria delegation. We are all about fifteen years old.)

Woman: “So, are you a visiting diplomat from Nigeria?”

Me: “No, there’s a Model UN for high school students here today. I’m not really a diplomat.”

Woman: “Oh, cool. So you’re like some foreign student who gets sent here to do some simulation?”

Me: “No, I go to [local high school]. I’m not actually Nigerian.”

(Note that I am white and do not in any way remotely resemble someone one would expect to be from Nigeria.)

Woman: “Isn’t it a felony to impersonate an ambassador?”

Me: “No, it’s a model UN meeting. I’m not impersonating anybody. My tag clearly says ‘Model United Nations.'”

Woman: “Well, I’m reporting you to campus security!”

(She goes over to the campus security booth nearby and says something to the guard. The guard responds and she angrily walks away. As soon as she is gone, he bursts out laughing).

(I send homework home with my students every week. Sometimes it’s pretty obvious that their parents “help” them by doing it for them.)

Student: “My mom doesn’t know how to do this.”

Me: “No, but you do.”

Student: “Oh.” *turns and walks away*

(The next day, his work was completed.)

Me: “Good morning, you have reached [high school]. How can I help you?”

Parent: “My son left his cell phone at the convenience store three blocks over. Can you go get it?”

(An online math student is calling to complain about her grade. Her assignment was submitted three days late.)

Me: “The assignment was late by three days. The 30% late penalty cost you eighteen points.”

Caller: “But it’s not right. 30% of sixty is not eighteen.”

Me: “Yes, it is. Think of it as three times six.”

Caller: *counting in a low voice* “Yeah, I guess it is. But the late penalty shouldn’t apply to me.”

Me: “Why is that?”

Caller: “Because I submitted the assignment BEFORE you graded it.”

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(I am sitting quietly in Current Affairs class when I get a tap on the back from a student behind me.)

Student: “Hey. Is Dick Cheney the funny man on TV?”

Me: “No, he was the vice president during the Bush administration.”

Student: *blank look*

Me: “You know, he was the one who shot his friend in the face while quail hunting?”

Student: “Oh, my God, he what?! Wait, what’s a quail?”

Me: “It’s a type of bird.”

Student: “Why on earth would anyone kill a bird?”

Me: “To eat?”

Student: “That’s disgusting!”

Me: “Where do you think chickens come from!?”

Student: “Oh… right. I swear I’m not dumb! I know who Tiger Woods is!”

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