(I am in History class learning about Tsarist Russia.)

Teacher: “… and so they were harangued.”

Pupil: “Haha, that sounds like meringue!”

Me: “I thought that was when you’re stuck on a desert island?”

Teacher: “No. That’s marooned!”

Pupil #2: “I thought maroons are those things you eat?”

Pupil #3: “No! That’s macaroons!”

Teacher: *sighs*

(I’m in a Creative Writing class. Star Wars Episode VII has just been announced, and there’s two boys in my class who are huge Star Wars fans. I’m also a fan, but I haven’t made that known. Class is just beginning.)

Teacher: “Random fact for today: Star Wars Episode VII will be made. We have that to look forwards to in 2015.”

Boy #1: “Yeah, right.”

Boy #2: “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Boy #1: “It’ll just be a repeat of the prequels. A bunch of sucky movies, one after the other.”

Me: *muttering* “I have a very bad feeling about this…”

Boy #2: “The prequels don’t suck!”

Boy #1: “They do, and I’ll give you plenty of reasons why: Jar Jar Binks, midichlorians, taxation plots, whiny Anakin—”

Boy #2: “The midichlorian bit didn’t suck!”

(This argument goes back and forth for some time, and they eventually stand up as it gets more heated. The rest of the class looks annoyed, as does the teacher, but efforts to break up the fight are fruitless.)

Teacher: “Boys, this isn’t a forum thread.”

(I finally have enough.)

Me: *to teacher* “You gotta speak their language. Watch.” *stands and turns to boys* “Mindless philosophers! I find your lack of faith in this new film disturbing. You two better watch your mouths, or you’ll find yourselves floating home!”

(The two boys just stare at me silenced.)

Boy #1: “You’re a girl! How do you—”

Me: “Somebody has to save the fandom! Back into your seats, flyboys!”

(They grudgingly sit down, as do I.)

Me: “Boring conversation anyway.” *to teacher* “You’re all clear, [teacher’s name]! Now let’s blow this lesson and go home!”

(The entire class bursts out laughing. The two boys never disrupt the class with their Star Wars arguments again.)

(My boyfriend teaches grades four and five and seven and eight. We’re discussing how different it is teaching these two different age groups.)

Boyfriend: “The fourth and fifth year students are such a pain in the a** sometimes… not so much the seventh and eighth year students.”

Me: “Well, they’re a different kind of pain in the a**.”

Boyfriend: “They’re a pleasurable pain in the a**. Fourth and fifth years students are like broom handles, seventh and eighth year students are more like d*****.”

Me: *laughing uncontrollably* “You just called your students d*****!”

(Our teacher has just returned a test to us. One of the questions was, “List three forms of birth control.” I’ve only received 2/3 marks for this question.)

Me: “Why did I get marked wrong on this question?”

Teacher: “Because ‘abstinence’ is not a realistic form of birth control.”

Me: “What do you mean, ‘it’s not realistic?’ It’s 100% effective.”

Teacher: “It’s not realistic. You can’t expect people to control their population just by not having sex.”

(In math class, the teacher writes the math problems down on a transparency that is projected on to the wall. As she is writing, she keeps turning the transparency page instead of moving her hand, making it hard to read.)

Student: “Excuse me, Ms.[teacher], can you stop turning the transparency please? We can’t read it.”

Teacher: “I’ll turn it back in a second when I’m done writing. I can’t move my hand.”

Student: “Why?”

Teacher: “My bracelet is stuck to the overhead. Does someone want to come help me?”

(A student gets up and goes to help unlatch the teacher’s bracelet from the overhead.)

Teacher: “Thank You. That is the second time this has happened today! Do you think I should take this bracelet off?”