(I am studying in the library, but have brought my own textbook from home, as this particular book is very popular and often all the library copies are in use or checked out.)

Student: “Hey. Are you done with that book? I can’t find a copy on the shelf.”

Me: “Um, actually I’m still using it, and anyway, it’s my copy, not the library’s.”

Student: “You’re not using it! It’s just sitting there closed on the table. Give it to me!”

Me: “I need it for the assignment I am just about to start, even if I am not using it right now. And as I said, it is my personal copy, not a library book, and I wouldn’t lend it to a rude stranger even if I wasn’t using it.”

Student: “You can’t hog all the books!”

(He storms off, only to return with the librarian in tow).

Librarian: “I’m sorry, but this student was saying you wouldn’t let him use a book you were finished with? The books here are for all students to use, so if you’re done with it, could you let him use that copy?”

Me: “As I already explained to him, I’m not done using the book, and also, it is my personal copy from home, not a library book.”

(I show her the cover and the spine, so she can see it has no barcode or sticker and is indeed not a library book.)

Librarian: “Oh, sorry to bother you then.” *to other student* “I’m afraid it is her book, but I can help you look on the shelf for a copy of it, or put one on reserve for you.”

Student: “No! She has a copy of it right there! Why can’t I use that one? Make her give it to me!”

Librarian: “You can’t use it because it is her book. She purchased it. She owns it, not the library. I can’t make her give you her private property to use.”

Student: “Why not?”

Me: “Because it’s mine.”

Student: *grabs pile of library books off table* “Well, then, these are MINE, if you can just claim any book you like!”

Me and Librarian: “It doesn’t work like that.”

Student: “MINE!”

(The student ran out of the library with the books, setting off the alarm.)

(I am teaching a drama class, and we are playing a game called Sneaky Statues where the kids freeze and then change poses when I am not looking.)

Me: “Wow, these statues sure seem different than they were earlier…”

(A kid creeps up behind me and strikes a particularly scary pose. I turn around.)

Me: “Geez! You’re like a weeping angel!”

(There is a silence.)

Me: “None of you know what that is. Sorry.”

Student: “I do! I totally know what that is! I love that show!”

Me: “All right. But we can’t talk about it now. Pose again!”

Student: “But they’re so cool! Don’t blink!”

Me: *trying to hide my excitement* “You’re supposed to be a statue, remember?”

(I later receive a paper full of illustrations of Doctor Who from this student. It was the first of several. We now talk about Doctor Who before class starts!)

(For a lab project, we are making glue out of milk and vinegar.)

Chemistry Teacher: “So, what happens is, when the vineger denatures the milk, it turns into curds and whey. Like a certain Ms. Muffet.”

(The entire class groans.)

Chemistry Teacher: “Oh, come on you guys. To make glue, we need to seperate the curds and whey. What happens if we don’t?”

Student: “We get attacked by spiders?”

(The entire class bursts out laughing.)

Student: “What?! That is a perfectly legitimate fear with curds and whey!”

(I work as an instructional aide with fourth and fifth graders. I have no problem telling the kids my age when they ask.)

Student #1: “Miss [name], are you really 23?”

Me: “Actually, I am.”

Student #1: “Wow, you’re young!”

Me: “You’re probably one of the first kids to ever say that to me.”

Student #2: “Yeah, you’re even younger than my dad!”

Me: “I sincerely hope I’m younger than your dad. You’re 11, right?”

(Student #2 realizes how old his dad would have been when he was born if he was younger than me.)

Student #2: “Ewww!”

Teacher: *responding to random question* “It has pistachio in it, though.”

(Another student who has been kind of zoned out until now suddenly pays attention.)

Male Student: “What?! What did you say?!”

Teacher: “…Pistachio?”

Male Student: “…Isn’t that, like, oral sex?”

Teacher: “You’re thinking of fellatio. Two totally different tastes.”