(We are having a lazy day in one of my classes in which most people are talking or catching up on homework. Another teacher, who also happens to be one of the school’s football coaches, steps into the classroom.)

Student #1: “Hey, [coach’s name]! Look at this. I found the ‘i’ in team.”

(If you draw out the word “TEAM” in block letters there is an “i” inside the shape of the letter “A”.)

Coach: “There’s no ‘i’ in team.”

Student #1: “Yes there is. See.” *points at his paper* “Right there.”

Coach: “You’re wrong; there is no ‘i’ in team.”

Student #1: “Look at it! It’s right there.”

(They continue to talk circles around each other for some minutes which only serves to annoy our teacher, as well as the rest of the class, at having to watch his co-worker get caught up in a petty argument with a student.)

Coach: *leaving room frustrated* “There is no ‘i’ in team!”

Teacher: *under his breath* “Yeah? Well there are three ‘U’s in ‘Shut the f*** up.'”

Student #2: “Did you just say what I think you did?!”

Teacher: “If anyone asks, I’ll deny everything.”

(I am teaching a drama class, and we are playing a game called Sneaky Statues where the kids freeze and then change poses when I am not looking.)

Me: “Wow, these statues sure seem different than they were earlier…”

(A kid creeps up behind me and strikes a particularly scary pose. I turn around.)

Me: “Geez! You’re like a weeping angel!”

(There is a silence.)

Me: “None of you know what that is. Sorry.”

Student: “I do! I totally know what that is! I love that show!”

Me: “All right. But we can’t talk about it now. Pose again!”

Student: “But they’re so cool! Don’t blink!”

Me: *trying to hide my excitement* “You’re supposed to be a statue, remember?”

(I later receive a paper full of illustrations of Doctor Who from this student. It was the first of several. We now talk about Doctor Who before class starts!)

(For a lab project, we are making glue out of milk and vinegar.)

Chemistry Teacher: “So, what happens is, when the vineger denatures the milk, it turns into curds and whey. Like a certain Ms. Muffet.”

(The entire class groans.)

Chemistry Teacher: “Oh, come on you guys. To make glue, we need to seperate the curds and whey. What happens if we don’t?”

Student: “We get attacked by spiders?”

(The entire class bursts out laughing.)

Student: “What?! That is a perfectly legitimate fear with curds and whey!”

(I work as an instructional aide with fourth and fifth graders. I have no problem telling the kids my age when they ask.)

Student #1: “Miss [name], are you really 23?”

Me: “Actually, I am.”

Student #1: “Wow, you’re young!”

Me: “You’re probably one of the first kids to ever say that to me.”

Student #2: “Yeah, you’re even younger than my dad!”

Me: “I sincerely hope I’m younger than your dad. You’re 11, right?”

(Student #2 realizes how old his dad would have been when he was born if he was younger than me.)

Student #2: “Ewww!”

Teacher: *responding to random question* “It has pistachio in it, though.”

(Another student who has been kind of zoned out until now suddenly pays attention.)

Male Student: “What?! What did you say?!”

Teacher: “…Pistachio?”

Male Student: “…Isn’t that, like, oral sex?”

Teacher: “You’re thinking of fellatio. Two totally different tastes.”